How do you make a guy want you again as much as he used to?

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  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0
    #3824 |

    Hi,

    I've met this wonderful guy who was more than I ever dreamed off.A kind person,sweet,good looking,serious(not a playboy),natural,funny,romantic …the whole package really.
    We had a really amazing time togheter that he even proposed to me after only 2 months despite the fact that he was in 2-3 years long relationships before meeting me and never had the feeling of doing such a thing before.

    Everything was great and we were truly in love and all of a sudden he became less romantic,cold,me being the only one pulling him to give him any affections and even stop replying when I would tell him “I love you”.He found me crying one day and I told him that it drives me insane not knowing what happend to us…why he became like this.Eversince I've tried so hard to make him turn to what he used to be even broke up with him 3 times and he is still relaxed and tells me that he still loves me even if he doesnt show it to me.

    He makes me feel like a psycho drama queen but I cannot stop asking myself what happend ?? Why did I stay in love and he…turned the flame down?We did not have any fights,cheatings,lies …nothing wrong from what I know.

    He never replies my question…tells me to wait and he'll figure out how to explain at one point…but to leave things normal by then and be patient.

    I am really trying to but it feels like we speak just because we should….and there is no interest or passion from his side even if I try being sweet or cold or however…I am confused and dont know how I should be to get him to miss me again.

    I'd really appreaciate any help…

    thank you

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi and welcome. Thank you for having the courage to ask a difficult question.

    Your guy sounds like me :) Joking.

    3 years in a long term relationship takes a bit of getting over as well as soul searching. Bear in mind, he might not think this but it is certainly true. During long relationships we all develop patterns, habits and ideals. After that all finishes, we're left with a void that can be filled by another BUT there's still hurt and internal reconciliations to get past.

    Your guy sounds like he might well have jumped into your partnership just a little too early. Or he might still be sorting out his internal wants and thoughts whereas getting into your relationship had put that on hold. Resulting in him really needing to take a break from the two of you, to do that sorting out process.

    Being a guy, he's typically going to be a little less verbal in expressing the true situation. He has though – just in not so many words as you'd probably like. Guys = less verbal. Gals = very verbal.

    My suggestions are:
    [1] You yourself need to take a serious chill pill. Being a drama queen is certainly something you need to avoid to both him as well as simply screwing your head over
    [2] Be a friend with him, right now. Nothing sexual and nothing romantic. And that's going to probably be very tough for you to do. He needs space. And having a true friend who is there to support him will also show that you're more than who he thinks you are
    [3] Thinking about ow to get him to do something that you want is the wrong mindset. Relationships are built by two people who connect on a special level – you need that to happen naturally, without orchestrating how you'd like it to go.

    Please do come back and reply with any other questions or progress too. We're here to help where we can.
    Good luck.

  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0

    wow I must say I am really surprised I never went on these sites or looked for help outside my social circle.
    So first I would like to thank you for your reply it really made my day…it is hard to belive a stranger would care and take the time to help others. :)

    I am relly doing my best to not bring up the subject of us not being in a right place right now in our relationship but it hurts and affects me very much..He got me used with endless affections and sweet words and this stone age we are going through makes me very sad from morning until evening.

    These days we speak 2 or 3 times a day about random things in our and I am trying to make it fun for him to speak to me but then again I really dont sense any need of me in his life from his side.
    As if he is with me just to be…but doesnt feel the need of calling to hear my voice anymore and when I wrote him that I missed him he only smiled and gave me a kiss and hug…How can he not miss me too ? It makes me feel so down…

    p.s: I forgot to mention that we life in different countries but see eachother every 3 weeks…now he has tickets to come in february but I doubt he will..

    I am really confused as how to speak to him and how often and should I write him when he doesnt write me for 5 hours and all these little things…we used to be so relaxed and comfortable and natural with eachother and now I analyse 10 times before texting him..It just doesnt feel right and I dont know how to bring it back to that stage.

    Hope Im not annoying…:) but I would do anything to save my relationship I love him so much and it's hard for me to belive he has nothing left after all we've had.Especially because nothing really happend which could have broken us.

    Thank you !!!

    Thank you

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Well, being in a long distance relationship actually is significant as well so great you mentioned it. That usually adds a bit of added complexity to things.

    The thing is, you're still needing to get your head right since you're obviously quite emotional. That's not a good thing and this guy will ‘pick it up', despite you trying not to. So you know he'll have thoughts of you being weird in the head and factor that into his thinking.

    As I said before, you simply can't make him do anything. And nor should you want to. Choices are going to be made that are outside your control and that's how it was meant to be. Take that onboard and be at peace with yourself. Maybe that will allow you to have clearer thinking and more calm.

    Trying to force yourself onto him when he's trying to sort himself out is likely to drive him away even faster so please avoid this.

    How do you guys communicate, with the long distance relationship, when you're apart?

  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0

    We skype speak on whatsapp all the time we speak often he calls as well when I'm not online…it's ok.

    Last night he had an outburst at me which made me realise he is in a very gray place now he hates everything,everyone is his enemy and he is disgusted by the way things go today.He started offending me for having relationships before him because he had 3 relationships before and I had 5 so he said that this tought will always make him feel frustrated that I'll compare him….I told him it's not ok to think like that we both had lives before we met eachother I couldn't have guessed he will show up in my life in order to not have touched other men before…he said that all women are whores without exceptions and so he should better just go out and do what everyone is doing just sleep around so that he will fit in.And then he told me to brake up with him and I told him that I wont let him go just because he is upset at the world and pushes me away too and I told him to do as he feels but that I know him well enough to know that empty sex without any emotions won't make him any happier.

    He told me that we are over and wished me a good life and then I love you good night….I realised it skipped out his mouth and thats when I knew that this is not what he wants and he is sort of punishing himself and not trusting anything and doesnt feel like involving his heart into anything.

    Then I tought about what you advised me…..really saved the situation !!! :)

    he messaged me saying “now you understand why we don't match ?”
    I told him “no…I don't agree with you ….any girl you will meet had a life before..you are setting yourself barriers to block happiness and unfortunateley you're not letting me help you.If this is what you wish I hope with all my heart you will be happy I care a lot for you and iI dont want to to auto-destroy yourself out of need of unhappiness” I told him that I understand it must be hard after a failed 3 yrs long relationship to allow yourself to be happy and to reput all your hopes into something…I started speaking to him as a friend and all the problems came out…it was not me he is unhappy with who he his he feels unproud he wishes to achieve great things in his life etc… I did my best to show him that even if he throws rocks at me wich I don't diserve I will still be there for him.I told him that I am putting aside our relationship because now HE is important to me and that I am worried about him wether he is still my fiancee or not….he then told me that I should know he loves me even if he acts like a retard :)

    He thanked me for the kind words and the patience I have with him…
    I sent him an old picture of our hands holding and I told him that I will always be in his team even if he kicks me out.

    Even if we are not togheter at the moment it is important for me to be a part of his life and that he comes to me for confort…and then maybe things will we as they once were and if not…he's anyway a wonderful person which I would love to keep having in my world even as only friends.

    Whats your overview ?

    p.s:sorry for the long text but I think that without details the picture of the situation would be less clear

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    That's so cool. Pam and I use WhatsApp even now that we're married – great utility.

    And it sounds like you're starting to get an understanding on the importance of being patient, allowing him to sort himself out which has the added benefit of allowing your own headspace to calm down and see the light of day.

    Keep doing this and please don't rush things. Allow him time to heal within and be there for him.

  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0

    Thank you ! You have truly helped me jump over this bridge I came across :)

  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0

    Hi….uhmm…its a bit embarassing and frustrating for me to have to write you again but …with the hope that I will receive truly useful advices once again I am doing so.

    We broke up he was cold again we spoke only one time a day he was trying always to push my limits (told me he went for tea with 5 girls from his university and that it was so much fun) and attack me just generally being a bit arrogant or even mean to me.There was almost no way of speaking normal to him and it was hurting me and I had to tell him that I tried to understand him and to be there for him if he is having a bad day or a bad week but it was turning into a bad month and I just didn\'t think that I diserved being sad daily and being treated like that without having done anything wrong to him.

    He replied \”ok\” and \”good luck\” and then he told me \”You are right anyway….\” which makes me think that he knew exactly what he was doing since he takes my decision as being correct it means he wanted me to take this decision.

    its been 5 days now…no sign of him …it hurts but I love him so I dont know if I should let him go since I still don\'t understand what could be behind of all this sudden behaviour.

    From what I know he has not cancelled his tickets to come here in 2 weeks but I am very sure that he is not coming…I think its over from his side…I dont know why…but I want to leave him alone because Im tired of…humiliating myself.

    Thoughts ?Should I love it or leave it ?

    Thank you..

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Certainly please feel totally comfortable in coming back with further questions – that's what we're about.

    I know when I'm emotional about a relationship problem, every swirls around in my head at 100 miles an hour and I'm trying to figure out solutions to fix things immediately. That's just how my mind works. Rarely though are quick fixes what is needed. B that I mean, sometimes situations really do need time to settle, bring calm as well as rational thinking.

    From the sounds of it, you're still highly charged with emotions and looking to get things sorted as fast as you can hence the comment about ‘it's been 5 days'. Remember too that he's also in a confused headspace. 

    I'd really suggest you need to leave well enough alone for the moment. Give it the 2 weeks to better understand what action he's going to take on this trip as well as him him some breathing space without you in the picture – his own thoughts on his future will also form up during this time as well.

    And be prepared to cut him loose and move with your life. That's difficult to think about but a very real possibility if he's moving in another direction to what you want.

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