Why Do Some Guys Feel Out of Place with Independent or Smart Women?

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  • Domonique Powell
    Member
    Post count: 7
    #26101 |

    I am a divorced mother of four and very strong willed. Even when I was married, I pretty much made the decisions because my husband was military and often away. Still, as a military wife, I was not satisfied with being a homemaker. I felt as if both my talents and intelligence were being wasted. With that being said, as a divorced woman, I felt free! No more having to get someone to cosign on everything that happened in my house let alone my life. I have been engaged 3 times over 5 years and broke it off at the thought of letting someone else have a “say so” which terrifies me. Why?

    Because, I have noticed that the loves of my life had something in common. They had a problem with independent nature and ambitions to always learn. For example, if my car breaks down most of the time I already know whats wrong it and either I will get under the hood and fix it myself or talk the talk with a mechanic. I like and learn about cars…my bad don't need a man there. More examples: I have no problem making some home repairs, yard work, assembling bikes or furniture, or having a demanding career. In fact, I enjoy it. I thrive from it. Don't need a man there either. Sorry.

    Now before you jump on the band wagon thinking I want to be the man so i don't have room for one as I have heard way too often, I enjoy other thins too. I also like to cook, decorate, look pretty, smell like flowers, and spoil my man every chance I get in and out of the bedroom. I have spent a decade explaining through failed romances trying to convince my men that being “needed” in the traditional sense is not really what's important. What's important is that I love them and WANT them. And just because I suck at playing a damsel in distress doesn't mean I don't want and appreciate a strong willed man who has things to add to the pot. But, it is always a no sale. I guess being needed in the traditional sense WAS what's most important to them.

    At first, they always seem supportive of my tinker thinker pleasures but in the end they tried to change me and challenged me to some sorta battle of wits and such. (which is very childish and a turn off to me) Which is why I have not remarried. Please help shed a light on this. By the way, I have a very High IQ and Moderate ADHD, which I don't always disclose. The hands on tinkering (building, fixing, puzzles) keeps me happy and entertained. Is this part of the problem? Not really explaining why I do what I do? Looking forward to some replies.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Independence is a quality both men and women in a relationship should be striving for and encouraging in their partner.
    What your challenge and that of my previous wife is, you are failing at understanding and wanting to build inter-dependence as in to want to walk WITH your man. There is a vast difference.
    A relationship is a partnership and not an ownership and not two people walking through separate lives. If you fail in ‘doing this doing' then don't bother wanting a relationship as it won't go anywhere.

  • Domonique Powell
    Member
    Post count: 7

    I agree. “wanting to build inter-dependence as in to want to walk WITH your man” “two people walking through separate lives” I think that is why I canceled my engagements.

    I knew I wasnt willing to bend enough to be in a partnership. So, I guess I want something between a fuck buddy and a wife…lol Well thanks for your feedback. Looks like I need to work on some trust issues and opening up of my own. I am starting to think that maybe some of the hit and quit guys sensed that I wasn't ready for a real relationship and thats why some left. I never thought of it that way before. Good Job.

    • Martin
      Keymaster
      Post count: 250

      I think you might have had a gender confusion moment there. Don't you mean an FB and husband? Hmmm
      So what are you willing to work on first?

  • Domonique Powell
    Member
    Post count: 7

    LOL…yep that's what I meant. I forgot to add “I want (to be)” Well, I think working on my trust issues would be a good place to start. If my guard wasn't so high, I believe opening up emotionally will come shortly behind naturally.

    • Martin
      Keymaster
      Post count: 250

      ‘To know and not do, is not yet to know'.
      It's one thing to say you'll work on trust issues but it's way different to go about it, look at yourself honestly and take the responsibility for your own actions – and then work on yourself.
      Many people think of themselves as never needing change when change is inherently human.
      Would love to hear of your progress whenever you have some to tell us about.

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