How long is too long for tiptoeing?

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  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Post count: 42
    #23810 |

    Take two individuals, both coming from broken/slightly scaring relationships.
    Mr.Air Hockey (Mr.AH): being cheated on and lied to repeatedly, and before that letting go of someone he loved because they were still in love with their past.

    Me: struggling with my own issues of impatience and was in a relationship with someone that mostly cared about how things played out for him and not “us” who was distant, never could really put me as any kind of priority had seriously destroying family issues (destruction was mental, physical and emotional). Was with someone who in order to take out stress would be rude or push me away and I never felt secure with him I was never good enough.

    looking at both we have hurdles to get over.
    A friend brought up ” how long is too long before the transition stage gets annoying?”. Needless to say I am an over thinker so I began to wonder how long would it last. I mentioned before that I was still battling comparison between Mr.AH and the EX. I tried to think of the positives and negatives of the failed relationship and even though I felt like I would do anything to have made it work when I took a look at that list it was disturbingly filled with cons. So many things would of never worked and at the end the person I was with was no longer the person I met the first time around.

    When I did the same for Mr. AH I saw a lot more positives than negatives.
    But, I keep getting hot an cold feelings towards him. While he has trouble opening up, out of fear of being judged and left.

    Initially one of my biggest cons (which for some women I am sure it will seem nuts) was the amount of attention and affection he was giving me. I came from a past relationship where I was ignored, and had more time to myself than I knew what to do with. of course that feeling let to furthering feelings of insecurities. So having someone be mushy, caring, thoughtful and making time to talk was/is scary.

    After a conversation about how we are both healing and transitioning he said that he understood where we both come from and that it will take time to eventually get to a place of trust.
    It has been now a month togehter and two months of talking.
    I still feel a bit distant from the situation. at times even uncomfortable with the amount of emotion expressed.What I do know is I enjoy talking and spending time with him. However once he begins to talk about making future plans and how much he cares about me, I end up feeling like its super fast and I get a little distant.
    We both tiptoe around the idea of trust. It is discussed but then when the discussion becomes more serious one of us will stop it and just say ” its going to take time thats all”.
    I am also realizing that I develope a habit or seeing the bad or the things I dont like and then making them bigger than they are. I believe this is because After the break up I was trying to make sense of everything and see if it was something that would of worked or not. I will be the first to admit this habit sucks. Although I see how good of a person he is I also see the little things that may bother me. So to avoid from doing it I stay away from talking about certain things and certain feelings.

    But again How long can this really keep up. How long can two people come from broken relationships really keep up with the trust issues before someone gets annoyed?

  • Profile photo of BellaBella
    Participant
    Post count: 23

    Can i say how I love that you can ask such honest questions like you already do, Yvonne? You're an inspiration to all us gals lol

    Here's what I've learned so far with my time with my precious guy. Even though he can be just as much a pain in the ass as i can be.

    Trust, i think, isn't a timeline. It's a leap of faith for both people. I kind of think of it as my belief in God so I hope you can follow along with me. I believe in Him but I didnt need any proof either that He's there watching over me. I just knew it needed to be real.

    For me anyways, trust in my man is much the same. I know he loves me. I know we are working out our own different shit toghether and we are on the same wavelength in getting all our past baggage out from underneath us. I know i'll slip up along the way and he probably will to. Does it really matter? Nope, not in the slightest. We got love going on together.

    He can hurt me just as much as I can hurt him but trust is the choice in not doing any stupid hurt crap and using it to bring about a change in us. If it lasts for weeks, years, or a lifetime, trust is your gift to your boy and not the other way around.

    I'm not any of that made any sense when i read it back. Does it?

    • Profile photo of MartinMartin
      Keymaster
      Post count: 250

      Awesome and wise words there, Bella.
      Yeah it is a leap of faith and letting go. Some people can never do it either and usually due to past baggage (my ex Pam being one such person). And it's sad to live that way with suspicion and distrust – all negative qualities that focus on a relationship's destruction.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Participant
    Post count: 42

    It does make sense. I think I am just treating the whole relationship like getting into a cold pool you test it a million times before you actually jump in. I am still at the point were my toe is touching the water and its freezing cold.
    I still hold a lot of baggage from the previous relationship. since if you check around it really wasnt healthy and for a long time I had him on a pedestal and thought he was as good as it got. I also blamed myself for it falling a part because truth was I could never trust him. Now with the new guy it's totally different he is the sweetest person ever and totally supportive of my career only he is the complete opposite of my ex… which before You think it i know its a good thing you dont want a repeat of what you had before I think I am just still getting use to it all. The brick wall is still up and so are the hundreds of questions in my head but hopefully slowly they will come falling down

    • Profile photo of MartinMartin
      Keymaster
      Post count: 250

      Once you immerse yourself in the pool, everything seems much warmer and you start swimming and start having the real fun.

    • Profile photo of BellaBella
      Participant
      Post count: 23

      Hello Yvonne,
      What's the update lol?
      I'm so interested in your progress with your new guy. He sounds dreamy

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Participant
    Post count: 42

    Lol thanks for your interest Bella.
    Things are still going I am finding things about him everyday that I like . However I am still getting use to the affection and niceness. I do appreciate having someone who cares like he does will admit I am not use to it and it is a happy surprise. I am thinking or at least trying to think less about the past and focus on our future.

    • Profile photo of BellaBella
      Participant
      Post count: 23

      That is wonderful to hear. Sounds like you guys are understanding each other in lots of ways.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Participant
    Post count: 42

    We are trying to. It is going well so far though :).

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