Do You Have Real Friends?
There are friends and then there are real friends.
Depending on the situation, it’s often challenging to know the difference.
As an example, when faced with a stressful situation, it’s nice to know your friends will dish you out a good dose of empathy, sympathy and a listening ear.
That’s your garden variety friend.
They are surface dwelling friends.
They lack depth, substance and, more importantly, value.
Empathy Only Goes So Far
You can insert your own definition of empathy here but essentially, it’s a reassurance mechanism.
It’s not a solution and it certainly isn’t a problem solving technique.
When you seek out empathy, it’s to make you feel good as opposed to moving forward, with understanding.
Empathy is a nice place to start so you can regain some lost emotional stability.
BUT
You also need to recognise whether you ultimately want the FIX to your woes.
Sit quietly for a few minutes alone, close your eyes and think long and hard as to whether you really are an empathy seeker or a forward thinker who is willing to take the hard lumps in being wrong (on some things).
That’s right, do you have the guts (within) to admit you’ve stuffed up, have some problems with your behaviour and want to ‘right the inner wrongs’ and get your shit together?
Empty Empathy Friends
Your real friends understand you’ll take their honest advice and their honest solutions too.
These people are rare.
You might not even have any, if your perception of reality revolves around being an empathy seeker.
I Took the Friend Test Myself
In the past, I’ve always tried to be a positive person who helps others.
When my marriage to Pam broke down and failed, I admit I was a little lost as I realised I had eroded my past true friendships as I gave priority to wanting to fix my marriage.
That meant, friends needed to come second, to my wife and marriage.
In hindsight, I felt like a Chump.
Until I reached out and called my old mate, Bill.
Jeez, I’ve got a tear in my eye as I write this.
Despite all the crap I dumped on Bill in the past few years, he unreservedly and immediately told me I had a place to stay and call home, if I needed it.
He drove for many miles, packed up what I was taking with me into his car and took me away. I can’t begin to express the gratitude I have for him in my life and his strength of character.
He is a one of a kind human being.
I Got Out, Got Empathy and Got Honesty
Within a week, I left Pam – there was nothing left between us.
I also knew I had a saviour to escape the facade of the marriage I had found myself in. This wasn’t just lip-service but action.
When the chips seem to be against you, you’ll instantly see the people that are there to support you, no matter what.
I spoke honestly to Bill about why I ‘wronged’ him, what my past priorities were (to cause the wrongs) and as accurate a record of the past 3 years of so-called marriage as I could give.
Bill was empathic, he listened and has listened for the past few weeks as he saw the on-off pain I’ve been feeling.
You don’t get friends like this all that often.
I am deeply humbled by his caring and friendship.
Caring in that he was more than OK to give his honest opinions about my actions, Pam’s actions and what he thought I needed to do as I move out of the last 3 years of relationship bullshit that I tried to mend, in futility.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_284Y8Wu7c
Hindsight Is a Wonderful Thang
- Don’t bother thinking you can open up to your partner’s relatives or friends n thinking they want to help you both – loyalties and beliefs will never be yours
- Do you already have unresolved ‘Writing on the Wall’?
- If you’re still trying to resolve it, the writing is still there, isn’t it?
- I should have sought the right counsel from the friends I knew would be unbiased and honest, with me.
Now You Give Your Opinion
- What are your friends giving you – just what you want to hear?
- Which of your friends would stand by your side, in real truth and honesty?
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Remember – Speak your Mind in the comments below.
Enjoying newly found freedoms in South-East Asia, Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company. I’ll talk and try to help anyone.
Drop me a message and let’s start there, OK?
Martin Cooney – who has written 163 posts on GeekandJock.
Hi Martin,
I agree that a real friend initially tries to make us feel better; but then, after there has been some recovery from the impact, tells the truth we need to hear.
Unfortunately, the presentation of that truth is very important. Some years ago I had a friend be brutally honest with me after a breakup with a girlfriend. The message was one I needed to hear, but the delivery came across as downright mean. I never trusted him enough to discuss my personal life again. My hope is that I’ve been a more compassionate friend as a result of the experience.
– Cole
Hey Cole. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences, with us.
The point of the article was more so that a real friend won’t tell you the truth that you need to hear.
In your example, do you think you might have still been in a mindset or mood that you couldn’t evaluate what your friend was telling you?
There isn’t many nice ways to convey ‘brutal honesty and truth’ so maybe your friend truly deserves a second chance?
What a wonderful guy!
His blood is worth bottling, Martin. You’ve got a great friend in Bill, thank goodness. He’s allowed you to move out of the clutches of your wife, Pam. Not that she sounds at all what a wife should be doing to a husband but it takes all kinds to make up the world.
Now I’ve got to think if I have a friend in my life, like Bill lol Thinking cap on!
Beautiful to have a true friend such as your Bill, Martin.
Life gets tough at times. He can see your value and you now fully appreciate the man of substance that he is. Thanks goodness for Bill and him allowing you to exit your marriage with some grace. Both you and Bill are wonderful people with such heart!