I Love Her But I Don’t Want To Be With Her

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I Love Her But I Don’t Want To Be With Her

I Love Her But I Don’t Like Her

Real beauty really is deeper than just skin deep.This is a popular search term we get on the site, mainly to this relationship forum question by an anonymous person needing some help.

What is interesting is the question involves a ‘her’ so these searches are coming from guys.

There’s are two reasons why guys have this question.

I’d love to hear your agreement or disagreement in the comments, once you’ve pondered on what I have to say.


So here goes:

Reason No. 1 – Lust versus Love

love vs lust - like or love

Make no mistake – a guy will totally love you if you lust after him
We’re all wired differently

You know it.

Guys are predominately visual creatures.

When you take this into consideration, men could think they’re madly in love with what a women looks like. That’s simply lusting after her external bits and pieces. Curvy bosoms and hips. Silky hair. Clear and radiant skin and complexion. The type of women he simply can’t keep his eyes from.

But do you know what’s missing?


He Doesn’t Like Her Personality

Yep. It’s not until you get to actually know a person that you discover whether they really have something to offer.

By offer, I mean whether they float your boat. Not many of us can stand talking to a brick wall for too long. Longevity in any relationship relies of a great flow of conversation between two people.

If you guys think you love a woman by her looks then think again.

It’s unlikely to last for long unless they have an engaging personality – a personality that is right for you.

If you haven’t approached her yet, go ask her for a coffee and see what pops out when you ask her details of what she likes in life.

That’ll be your first hint.


Reason No. 2 – Personality versus Physical Fault

Personality versus Physical

Some have zero personality and others are busting out on body.
It can be a tough obstacle for a guy … with doubts

This reason could be construed as almost the opposite of Reason 1, though there are a number of subtle but distinctly important differences.

A guy is in a relationship and has a deep connection with his lady.

But he has mind-talk going on inside the head.

  • Is there someone better than her out there for me?”
  • “We have a few disagreements so maybe she isn’t right for me”
  • “I wonder if I could find someone who has a better body?”
  • “I’m in a comfortable situation with xxxx but is there more adventure with someone else?”


He Wonders About a Better Body or Adventure

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At some point in a guy’s life and relationship (same for women but different), something will happen to make him wonder whether he’s doing the right thing, as far as a relationship goes – and the woman he’s picked, as well.

It might be seeing a fleeting sight of something gorgeous to the eye – and you know that gets quickly registered, in the male memory.

What could be more highly probable is his sexual un-happiness.

The majority of females are clueless when it comes to understanding just how closely a man’s feeling of being loved is tied and intertwined with his sex life.

It’s major, ladies!

By major, I mean frequency of sex (and him knowing he’s loved) and you being an active participant to clearly demonstrate you love sex and lovemaking with him.

Much like how women get that feeling of a lack of love from their man, in non-intimate times, a guy’s view on love is very much sexual. Nothing you can do about that – it’s how both genders are wired so it’s about coping, adjusting and giving.

Lack of sex will very often lead to wandering eyes. So he’ll love you from a mental perspective but not like you on a number of fronts as his sexual and love needs remain unfulfilled (in his mind).


Restoring Liking Her as Well as Loving Her

love her and like her with realignment

This is easier than you think.
Reframing your thoughts, actions and outlook.
… this is for women too

For a Guy:

It’s time to evaluate your internal thoughts and headspace.

Being constantly obsessed with her faults leads you down the path of continual negativity.

That’s going to get you nowhere but grief.

So sit your arse down and complete a list of at least 20 areas you like about her. This is aimed at getting you refocused on how she is beautiful. It needs to be a big list to allow your brain to expand into dimensions you may not have thought of.

Here’s some examples that might help get you started:

  • I love how she holds out her delicate fingers when picking up a fork
  • I love her cute perky nipples
  • The nape of her neck is so deliciously kissable
  • I’ve just realised I can’t help but stare at her sexy bum – what a turn-on
  • I love drifting off to sleep as I simply smell her fragrance on the bed. I just love the very smell of her
  • She has the most gorgeous eyes
  • I love her cute ear lobes
  • ….. you get the idea? Only concentrate on the positive things. Everyone has negatives. Rarely do we take the time to focus in on a person’s attributes and make that real in our head.

How she looks in your eyes? That needs to be refocused on a holistic approach.

Real beauty really is deeper than just skin deep. Most people discover that as they get older and gather a few wrinkles and body areas start to sag. Attraction shifts to a whole different (and higher) level then.


For a Gal:

This is certainly not about him having an affair or leaving you. I’m talking about safeguarding a special guy in your life, with the view to your relationship’s continuity and perpetual happiness.

  • Keep a vigil on your guy becoming disconnected to your relationship.
  • Just how actively involved are you in your mutual (I said mutual) sex life?
    • Stand back and look from the outside. Are you a participant or a spectator? Avoid the latter.
  • Do you talk with him about his inner feelings?
  • Are you always 100% transparent and verbal?
    • A lack of trust / honesty / communication can lead to him wanting to explore it elsewhere.

At the end of the day, it’s about communicating.

He might be the silent type or you might be. Whoever is, is irrelevant – the big picture is for each other’s love areas to be catered for and without reservation and with understanding and love.


Over To You

Now that we’ve reached the bottom, here’s what you can do next:

  • Do you better understand how a guy could love and not like?
  • What other areas should either a woman or man think about?
  • Go check out my review on The Inner Lives of Men too? You’ll be glad you did, whether you’re a woman or man.
  • Click one of the Share buttons – your friends can then read this article too.

And thanks for reading too – I’ll see you in the comments.


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Avatar of Martin

Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company – as well as coffee. I’ll talk to almost anyone …. ok, anyone….

Martin – who has written posts on GeekandJock.


  1. wrote on March 19th, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Jijin Mohan

    Funtastic article, I have got some serious points from this. Thank you very much for sharing. Looking forward to read more. :)

  2. wrote on December 5th, 2012 at 3:23 pm


    Wow, what a fantastic spin on what I’ve been going through and thinking lately about my girlfriend.
    I’ve got some serious thinking to do now.

  3. wrote on September 29th, 2012 at 10:23 am


    Frankly speaking, there are so so many women that simply hide their feelings so the guy is simply and totally confused. Personal experience talking here too.

    That puts up a huge barrier. You love the woman, for who she is. But you eventually don’t want to be with her because of all the crap that comes from not knowing what’s going on or where the two of you are headed, because you don’t know.

    Women and a lot of guys, for that matter, hide their feelings. Probably because of something in their past. Big deal! This is a different person. Be truthful, for Christ sake and you might get somewhere.

    Great article Martin

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on October 4th, 2012 at 1:58 pm


      Long time no see, Mitch.
      Yeah, both genders hide feelings and when one does it and the other is expecting truth and honesty, it makes for a challenging relationship. As that saying goes, if you hide stuff then be prepared for the downside as well.

  4. wrote on September 4th, 2012 at 7:48 pm


    Frankly speaking i really loved your article.I think now i have much more understanding of the difference between love and lust.It is surely gonna help me make a decision for a problem that i have been facing with someone :).Thanks a lot :)
    abhishek recently posted..Link Building:Important Strategy In BloggingMy Profile

      • wrote on September 5th, 2012 at 4:09 pm


        Well the problem that m facing is with my Gf.At times we fight a lot and then it’s me who ends up saying sry most of the time.I am not able to figure it out that whether it’s the love that causes this or it’s my attraction (actually she’s pretty hot ) towards her.
        abhishek recently posted..Link Building:Important Strategy In BloggingMy Profile

        • Avatar of Martin
          wrote on September 5th, 2012 at 4:40 pm


          Ahh, the old ‘who’s saying sorry’ chestnut :)
          This can be an ego thing – either on your side, hers or both. I’d suggest it’s neither love or attraction and more to do with problem resolution. Do either of you go to the effort in sitting down and listening to each others point of view, in an understanding and rational way?
          Each of you take turns in verbalising what you feel. The other needs to use empathy and understanding. You’d be surprised what each of you learn about the other and your relationship will grow from it.

          • wrote on September 5th, 2012 at 5:26 pm


            Yeah we do listen to each other and talk about this often.It’s like i don’t wanna lose her but at times she gets really annoying and starts to fight on small small issues.I am attracted to her a lot that i can tell u.But i don’t know whether it’s a physical attraction or mental.
            abhishek recently posted..Link Building:Important Strategy In BloggingMy Profile

            • Avatar of Martin
              wrote on September 5th, 2012 at 5:52 pm


              I’d suggest it’s irrelevant whether it’s attraction or mental, Abhi.
              As human beings, we’re attracted to our partners for different reasons – providing you both have an attraction to each, that’s what counts. Some guys are attracted to breasts, some to butts, some to personality, and some women are attracted to men’s bums, some to eyes, some to something else. Who really cares providing you’ve got the spark and the willingness to love.

              So with your girlfriend, it’s likely the those ‘small issues’ are a signal for something behind the scenes that’s really pissing her off. Unfortunately, that’s what you need to discover. Try something like ‘Hey babe, I really do get that something is bothering you so can we talk honestly about that big thing? I really do want to understand what’s the matter so you’re OK with us’.

              Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Abhi.

  5. wrote on July 16th, 2012 at 12:15 am

    John Ernest

    Okay, this is a pretty confusing subject even though I am a guy. I still can’t see if what I am doing is right. I don’t know if this is love or lust, but what I do know is that I enjoy being with her. Is that enough to call it love?

  6. wrote on July 15th, 2012 at 3:51 am

    Sally Brown

    Hi Martin,

    I really enjoyed your article. I’ve told my female friends for quite some time now that men are not that complicated. Just because you can’t understand them, doesn’t make them complicated. I’m not a rocket scientist, biologist or chemist, but I do know (from experience) that men need food, sex and money to be happy. (not necessarily in that order. Anything else is fluff! Of course they want love, but I think that love for them is wrapped up in the three I mentioned. Just sayin…

    Women on the other hand are just as ‘me’ oriented. They want to be nurtured, respected, and they want to know their partner finds them attractive, sexy. We want our men to provide protect, and a whole bunch of other things. So I think women are much harder to understand and figure out. Somethings about a being a woman are common to all, but can be so different from one to another. Men are basically the same.

    Great article! Sally
    Sally Brown recently posted..“What’s My Motivation?” – Uncovering My Life MissionMy Profile

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on July 15th, 2012 at 8:28 am


      Always so wonderful to have you visit us, Sally and your insightful comments too.

      Your women friends should stop by our site then and have a read of some of the articles for more of their own insights, huh? :)

      Funny though that you mention money as a male ‘need’. If you check that ebook I mention in the closing paragraph, you’ll actually discover men have a driving need for money BUT it’s to fulfill their partner’s need of security. Sometimes the driver gets a little warped but that is the main reason. Which then gets warped with those ‘Babe, you spend too much time at work’ comments hahaha

      At the end of the day, the takeaway from it all is both genders are wonderfully different, have differing needs and desires and it’s a responsibility of each to fulfill them as well as endeavor to 100% understand them.
      Martin recently posted..Five Acts That Get Men Going With Spicing Up Your Bedroom SessionsMy Profile

  7. wrote on July 10th, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Jan Stevens

    This is an interesting take on the age old debate between love and lust, and I think you’ve come up with really good points on the matter. Men are more prone in having difficulty with deciding between the two because a lot of them focus initially on how a woman looks before focusing on how she is as a person, and the number one way you can get through this is through communicating. Thanks for this!
    Jan Stevens recently posted..Seven Reasons Men Have Difficulty with Closeness in MarriageMy Profile

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on July 11th, 2012 at 9:34 pm


      Thanks for the visit and comment, Jan – you should go grab a Gravatar.com too so you display a nice profile picture.

      As for your comment, would you agree that while men might decide between two alternatives that women are in entirely the same situation but with their own alternatives?
      Martin recently posted..Top 5 Reasons Men Fall In LoveMy Profile

  8. wrote on July 9th, 2012 at 10:32 am


    Interesting article. There was a research piece done by psychologist John Buri; who studied “attraction” and found that visual attraction to a person is just a powerful wave of neurotransmitters sent by our brain when we see someone pleasing. In this case, the brain is flooded with Epinephrine, Dopamine, Phenyl ethylamine and Endorphins, which creates a very pleasant feeling. This is the same in men and women and could explain the commonly held belief that attractive people are more successful in life.

    Of course, it gets more complicated because our experience of people will also influence how “attractive” they look, but at a basic level, the model is consistent across genders.

    That notwithstanding, you are right to suggest fundamental differences between love and lust (and what that means for men and women). The trick is to take the opportunity to understand your partner and then work together in a collaborative way to strengthen the relationship.

    Thanks for writing,
    David recently posted..Panic Attack Treatment SydneyMy Profile

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on July 10th, 2012 at 1:13 pm


      Some great facts there, David – thank you so much.
      Though it sounds like the study was outside the realm of sexual attractiveness as I always thought that men were far more visually triggered than females – and I might be totally misinformed as well.

      Definitely understanding your partner is the goal – it’s getting there that this post was more about :)

      Would love your understanding on the visual sexual trigger differences between genders though.
      Martin recently posted..How Broadband Internet has Revolutionized RelationshipsMy Profile

      • wrote on July 11th, 2012 at 4:23 pm


        My pleasure!

        To elucidate a little more: there’s been a number of fMRI scans done on the brain which show the amygdala and hypothalamus are indeed more strongly activated in men than in women when viewing identical sexual stimuli… hence the conclusion that men are more visually stimulated. However, it could simply be that the sexual stimuli used appealed more to men than to women.

        Imagine for example a visual sexual stimuli that involved chocolate, lots of tweed, velour and corduroy… a little nakedness, and lots of unusual faux-camp costumes. Probably wouldn’t do much for male stimulation, but I reckon the girls would love it! You get my point.

        Anyway, if we are talking strictly about “pleasure”, men and women show similar activation patterns across multiple brain regions; so we aren’t much different in that regard.

        David recently posted..Panic Attack Treatment SydneyMy Profile

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