Am I being overly suspicious?

[Aidan]

My girlfriend and I have been dating exclusively for a couple of years. A couple of weeks ago I stopped by her apartment on my way home from the gym where I go almost every night after work. It was about 7:00 in the evening and since her place is on the way home for me, I popped in to see if she wanted to grab some dinner. It was not planned and I had not called ahead. She lives in a really quaint little aparment complex in LA that only has about 8 units with a garden setting in the middle and all of the neighbors know each other. As I walked up to her door a couple of neighbors gave me odd looks when they greeted me then stayed close by…almost as if waiting and watching for something to happen. When she answered the door she stood in the middle of the doorway and would not allow me in. Although the evening wasn’t particularly warm (about 75F), she had the air conditioner on and all the blinds and curtains drawn. This is something we would do for privacy whenever we had sex at her place because of the garden setting of her apartment. She seemed nervous and anxious and wouldn’t even allow me to use her bathroom. I asked if she wanted to have dinner but she declined stating that one of her girlfriend/co-workers was coming over and they were going out for dinner. As I walked away I continued to get the same odd look from her neighbors. I was suspicious so, instead of driving away immediately, I sat in my car to see if her co-worker showed up. After an hour of waiting and with nobody coming or going from or to her apartment I left. At this point it was after 8:00 in the middle of the work week. A couple of days later when we got together, I asked her about her dinner with her co-worker. She replied that it was nice, they went to a local diner. I then asked why she wouldn’t allow me in her apartment and she stated it was because we can get to talking for hours and her friend was due to arrive in a few minutes. Naturally, I followed up with the question of when she arrived and I was told about 10-15 minutes after I left. When I told her that I sat in my car for an hour and didn’t see her friend arrive, who I’ve met and would’ve recognized, she said she must’ve been mistaken about the time and that it had to have been later. She then became upset that I had waited in my car, spying on her. There are 2 points of ingress and egress for the apartment but both of those ways require anyone coming or going to pass within my sight line and I didn’t see her, her co-worker or anyone I didn’t recognize. Am I being overly suspicious that she may have had another guy in her apartment?

[MartinKeymaster]

Hi Aidan,

This is a challenging situation for anyone. The seed of suspicion is now sown and from what you describe, rightfully so.

Given the length of time you’ve been in your relationship, the reaction of you turning up sounds a little strange, to say the least. Further, I also presume you two should have a certain amount of trust and transparency too. Bear in mind, women are probably far better at concealing adulterous behaviour as they’re better equipped at planning long term. 

I also asked my wife, Pam, for her thoughts from a female side too. Her reply “There’s something going on if she won’t even let him go and use the toilet. That’s very odd”.

While I’m sure you’re upset and probably angry at what’s likely to be going on, you also have to approach this with a clear head and be level headed too. It ‘could’ be a comedy of errors.

While I know you’ve already mentioned to her about the actions you took by waiting in the car for over an hour and she deflected the situation, there’s got to be some next steps. Be prepared that she has cheated and what you’re likely to want to do in the relationship next. Be prepared that there was another reason for her actions – she might have just wanted to be left alone, for all we know.

At some point, you need to quietly sit down with her and express your thoughts and concerns. It’s OK on some level if she wants someone else. It’s OK if she deceived you for whatever reason. It’s OK that you need to quit the relationship, due to her actions. Trust must be a core part of any continuing relationship and you both need to be honest and accountable for your actions. 

It’s a matter of finding the truth.

[Aidan]

Thank you so much for your reply and advice.

My girlfriend and I discussed all of this at length and sadly I learned it hasn’t been just one guy. The guy she met the night I showed up at her apartment is one she’s been having an affair with for the past 2 months. She claims to have had a one-night-stand with him about a year ago and then they started hooking up earlier this year. She also told me that she had been unfaithful on another occasion…both men are co-workers.

Obviously, I’ve completely lost trust in her and I’m deeply hurt by the discovery. She cried a lot (well, we both cried a lot) and she told me how much she loves me and wants to work things out but I think its better for my own mental health to move on. It pains me to realize this but I don’t think she will change and I want a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone who is faithful and trustworthy.

Again, thank you so much for the advice.

Aidan

[MartinKeymaster]

Sad but true.
While a lot of people think it’s highly possible to regain lost trust through affairs, I personally think it’s an uphill battle, a lot of mental anguish and highly probable it still wouldn’t get there.
You can usually only give your trust to a person once.

Good luck, Aidan – get out there and find the person worthy of you.

[Author]

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