Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Been together for almost 5 yrs & now he's lost in life & I'm confused

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  • Bella
    Post count: 0
    #5201 |

    So my boyfriend and I have been together through High School and now College, and have been through a lot through the 5 years. It was great, everything was perfect no huge problems until about 3 1/2 years in when he got his own apartment and started throwing “parties” and drinking heavily, at least one or two bottles of vodka or rum or something strong a night for two or three nights a week. We would start fighting because I had a big problem with that, plus I was still underage and I don't break the law so I refused to be near him…also he was providing for 18 year olds and I just was pissed off that he would be that stupid as soon as he moved out.

    Then we had problems with his “bestfriend” who told him for some reason that she thought he should break up with us and they got into a fight, when I finally found out why she did it I got pissed off and told him not to be friends again because she'll do it again (which she did 2 more times)….anyways that's another problem, he still wants to be friends and I still think she's a backstabbing b-word and doesn't deserve his friendship because she still doesn't think we should be together, so why should they be friends?…There are 2 more girls he insists being friends with that have hit on him in front of me (one he no longer talks to now because she crossed the line; one is foreign and I'm still not sure if it's because she's foreign or because she just wants to hit on my freakin boyfrirend!)

    The most recent problem: He dropped out/”took a break” from College…I'm almost done with my BA and he has FINALLY found some jobs otherwise he had his mom telling him she was kicking him out. He has absolutely no strive for the future, he is only thinking about the now he has no wants for the future except for wanting things and to be successful. He's lazy, I love him to death and I know he is capable of things but he has moments when he doesn't want to do anything. I have goals and earlier in our relationship he had goals too, with me, but recently he has lost hope and wants nothing in life. He told me he wants to take a break, so he can sit around and do nothing because he wants nothing. He thinks it's “for the best”….but that he still loves me and wants to be with me and that his heart aches and wanted to run to me and that he's sorry.

    I'm know I'm still young, but we're eachothers first love, first everything and I can't give up that easily. He tries to be mean on purpose so I break up with him so he doesn't have to do anything with his life. But I am a psych major and I know enough that I can't give up on someone that needs guidance but I'm so emotionally drained that I'm tired. I know that he doesn't mean what he says, because I can see that this only happens when he is tired with his life. But like I said, I'm drained and when it comes to my own feelings I'm not always thinking clearly.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hey there, Bella – thank you for visiting and explaining your issue so well.

    Ever heard the saying ‘You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'? You're in that situation right now, aren't you?

    Your boyfriend needs to come to his own realization about his own life and his life with you. It's obvious he is on a path that is wildly different to yours. Bringing yourself down to his level at this point will see your life plummet to his, potentially. And you know deep down that you don't want that to happen – you've got magic inside you and a journey to take.

    He's not on that journey with you and won't ever be until HE comes to his senses, if he ever does.

    As it turns out, you are going to have to let him go. You've already put in time and energy into trying to bring him to his senses which hasn't worked. And just maybe, he'll see what he is losing once you do cut the cord to the relationship – that's entirely his decision to make and not yours.

    In short: cut him loose, make plans and execute them for your future and along the way, keep your radar tuned in to a relationship with a person that has the qualities you want.

  • Bella
    Post count: 0

    Thank you,

    Sorry it was so long I didn't realize it until I looked today. I feel like because he is so emotionally unstable he has made me unstable over the last few years and now our friends have meshed together since we were friends in High School and I'm not entirely sure how this will all play out. School is going okay for me, but I go to a small private school and everyone is mostly worried about drinking as much as possible and I got tired of dealing with those people so for the most part we have the same friends, he is my best friend. I don't know how to “take a break” this is our first real relationship for the both of us, and it's just really upsetting.

    I do know I need to let him find his own, but sadly I'm not sure he will…that's why I'm afraid. I know eventually I can get back to the “old” me and be okay but i think in the back of my mind I will always think what if I could have done something.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    This is one of those ‘you just have to do it' times unfortunately. There isn't a right or wrong way. Pick a few words to start, keep in your mind that the goal is to end it and simply follow through. You know you have to do it, eventually and delaying will cause you to sink further down and make it that much more hard to do.

    It will be upsetting, that's true. It will also not be the last time in your life that you'll probably have to do it either – take that from me.

    His path isn't your responsibility, your path is.

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