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  • Sharee
    Post count: 0
    #3342 |

    My boyfriend & I have been together a couple of weeks off of 3 years. We have been living together for about a year and 8 months. About a month ago my boyfriend starts talking about buying a house. I said to him if he wants to buy a place I'd prefer we do it together.

    After that he seemed to get excited about the idea. He was interested in a place so we went and inspected it. I didn't like it, it seemed like there would be too much maintenance involved. After that, he seemed to lose interest. I kept looking at Real Estate listings and pointing out ones that seemed to suit what we want. He seemed to dismiss it or have an excuse, too expensive, not big enough. Anyway a few days ago he says to me completely out of the blue that he wants to be single. He wants a no strings relationship. I asked him what is so horrible about coming home to a cooked meal and someone who loves him.

    He says maybe he doesn't want that. In the time we have lived together I have mostly been the one to do the cooking and the cleaning. I ask him to make an effort but he doesn't. This is why his saying he wants to do things on his own seems a bit strange.

    We are both 24 and he has had quite a few other girlfriends and the ‘no strings' thing. He chose to turn this into a long term relationship. He suggested we move in together in the first place.

    There is also the turn around from ‘lets buy a house together' to ‘we should break up'. Things have been a little strained for approximately a year (when he started his first full time job). He is nerdy and has ADD and his behaviour (not doing things around the house) frustrates me and I end up annoyed and creating arguments a lot of the time over the same thing.

    I feel like he doesn't really want to break up because he's still behaving as he has for the past year. He always cuddles me at night and doesn't seem as annoyed and agitated as he says he is. He says he still loves me and pretty much indicated he didn't know what he wants but he feels unhappy.

    He says he can't live with people. He lived with a friend for a little while and it drove him crazy.

    Why is he trying to break up with me but still behaving as if he wants to be with me?

    Why did he change his mind so rapidly from buying a place together to we should break up?

    At the moment I have temporarily moved out. We agreed that I would stay at my mums half the week and with him, in our place, for the other half. Today is the first day without seeing him and last night was the first night not sleeping in the same house. I haven't even heard from him. No ‘hello', ‘how are you going?', nothing!

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi Sharee – thank you for your questions.

    From the sounds of things, there might have been a bit of ‘male ego' bruising in relation to you knocking back his pick of the initial home to buy.
    That's probably the instigator of perhaps a subtle lose of self confidence in the relationship. That's then a ‘fight or flight' scenario – and it's way way easier to take flight than to stand firm and sort that frigging weirdness out. Especially when the weirdness might be your own (his in this case)

    I'd like to say here though that moving into a ‘let's fuck when I need you' relationship is something you should seriously consider NOT doing. It cheapens the wonderful person that you are and tells him that you have little value for the relationship.

    Determine what it is that you do want in both a relationship as well as the ideal partner. Does he fall into the latter?

    From all this, I've got a few questions for you though:

    [1] Have you found him a little bit of a control person in the relationship?
    [2] Has he actually ever really (I mean really) committed to both you and a long term relationship or just flossed around by giving potential signs that he is?
    [3] Do have direct information that he can't live with people or is that something he's just told you?

    Look forward to getting a bit more background information from you.

  • Sharee
    Post count: 0

    Thanks for your reply!

    He seems now to be interested in buying a place on his own. I think that pretty much came about after I told him I didn't like the house. He said he lost excitement and interest after I said I didn't like the house. He also told me that when he mentioned buying a house together he thought he could live with me for the rest of his life but I guess now he can't. He also said that it was similar to couples having a child together because they think it will save the marriage/relationship. He suggested buying a house to save the relationship. How can it be both of those reasons, they are completely opposite.

    I don't see why we necessarily had to buy the first place we saw anyway. If I had said yes to that house do you think things would be different or would we have made that huge commitment and now weeks later he's wanting to be single?

    I don't think he necessarily wants me as the no strings partner. He knows I wouldn't go for it anyway.

    To answer your questions…
    In terms of an ideal partner… if there was an absolute perfect person then in some ways he wouldn't match it but in some ways he does.

    1) I have been the main controlling person in the relationship.
    2) I think moving in together in the first place is a commitment and it was his idea.
    3) He's told me he can't live with people for longish periods of time. He gets annoyed with them easily. He's told me that kind of from the beginning.

    Looking forward to your thoughts on this.

    Thanks

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    In some ways, his notion if ‘buying a house / having a child' is certainly valid. Some couples have a feeling that a relationship is headed for doom and look for solutions that might patch things up – rarely does that work and simply prolongs the inevitable.

    [1] I get what you say however does HE think he has a dominant personality?
    [2] From a male point of view, moving in together at a relatively young relationship age means more sex, as opposed to commitment
    [3] That's a tough lifestyle to be involved in, you know. If he is firmly committed to thinking he is tough to be around in the long term, anyone's days are numbered.

    Can I ask you to check out my Ideal Partner article and come back with the missing pieces to your own puzzle? We're looking to move you to a place where you should be as opposed to hanging onto something that simply won't work or will eventually fail, due to incompatibility.

    While you believe you still have strong feelings for him, it's becoming more obvious he isn't going to return those feelings and you need to start looking towards your future.

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