Home Forums Relationships General Relationships how to re- Connect after the spiral downfall

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  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Post count: 42
    #12875 |

    Me and my bf of four years had a tremendous outfall the last few days we have been together for 4 years and we have had ups and downs and i have battled with my insecurities and he has battled with his communication.Since febuary we have not been good together at all it started around the time of his school evaluations. Before this we had four or three months were things were amazing and he was amazingly sweet and i felt like we were back at years one and two. We even went back to our old college stomping grounds on our anniversary to reminisce. To give you a short play book of what is going on. I am very to the point about things i like an order to my day and if a promise is made i always keep it , and for others around me i pray and hope they are the same way with me, however i also battle with feeling like nothing i do is good enough or like i might not deserve his love and it it makes me feel honestly horrible sometimes. He is someone who has a not so good home life who lives with family members who put him down on a daily basis and who tell him he is worthless and even though he has gotten his career running that he is still nothing to them.
    after our anniversary the week directly after he had to begin prepping for his in class evaluations at his job he was extremely stressed about it because previously he was given unfair evaluations that put him down. the two weeks following he was miserable and stressed and honestly he was not himself and would even put himself down. At this time i would be there for hims and support. There were times where I felt like the ways he would talk or take out his aggressions were directed towards me i began to feel like he did not like being around me or like i was the problem even though there were times when he was so happy to see me and talk on the phone (we only see each other once a week because of schedules and distance and my lack of a car). his evaluation was given to him and it was terrible the week after he found out it was an error and that his real evaluation was actually amazing. But even after this good news he still could not become happy. after this month and a half or month & a week. problems started up stirring up at his house he began to get into arguments about money and life with his father (who does not work and is not over 53). Karim pays most of the bills in his families home and they control him at every turn he shares his mothers care because at first he thought it would help her out but now he thinks about it and it gives them more chance to tell him what he can and can not do (he is 26 years old)
    While he is under all these stresses and on his tippy toes at work and at home I now understand that i was adding some extra stress by nagging him to communicate a little better & asking him constantly if he was ok with me and that if despite how he is handling the stress if we were ok and if we would be able to get out of this rut and if he still loved me and yadda yadda yaddda.So I'm fully aware of how I added to his stresses and hurt him by making him feel like through all this he wasn't able to be there for me, which was totally not my intention. For me I was just afraid that his behaviors towards me were because of me like he was mad at me or something. during this time he had ups and downs like crazy still telling me he cares and loves me and when he came over he would still cuddle and be supportive.

    Then yesterday happened. In the early morning I had texted him that i didn't want to argue any more and i just wanted everything to go back to normal. his response was that “he wasn't sure we could get that back because we were no longer the college couple that use to play and laugh and that everything seemed to be against us with his car issues and his parental issues”. I was taken aback and I was hurt. But I had a full clinical day ahead of me and I had to get through it so i asked him to please not say things like this because he knows how much i care and am trying and im not complaining im just asking that we talk things through and look at the problems together. Later yesterday night we got on the phone and at first he acted normal and then i asked him about the text. He said ” yes this is exactly how I feel ” and i asked him what this meant for us. He said he wanted to break up he didnt feel the connection because of my constant asking him if everything was ok and he felt like I wasn't able to truly trust in him that no matter what he loves me. I defended myself by telling him that was not the case and I do care and I really want this to work out. He told me the connection was lost he felt numb to the world especially now with all his stressers in his life and he feels not like himself and he himself is not happy. He has been putting himself down for weeks. but i continued to ask him not to give up i told him people get into ruts all the time and its about how you get out that defines the relation ship. Then I also asked him if he felt so not connected with me then this sunday that past how did he feel and he told me he feels good when he is with me he loves spending time with me. So we went on for another hour on the topic until finally i asked him if we could stay together and work through this while giveing each other space since he is going through so much with his family and work and I am having issues of my own with school, and that we should be there for each other to talk and vent and reconnect. His response was “fine, alright okay we can stay together”, then he resumed to normalcy. We talked for another thirty minutes then he told me he wanted to go to bed and clear his head and i said a normal “good night ” and he still said ” good night I love you babe”. Once we hung up this horrible feeling came upon me that i felt i had just forced someone to stay or not and then after all that he still said he loved me . I tried to force myself to sleep and this morning i texted him my usual morning text and then asked him that if he wanted to talk what time would he be free tonight ( i asked this because although we agreed to stay together Im not sure under what terms and i didn't want to make another mess). He responded and gave me the times after work and after gym which is our usual. after this i didn't text him but he did text me like normal to discuss something that made him mad and when I replied why he was mad he followed with the answer and joke , just like we were normal again.
    I am at a loss I really love this man and I am willing to work on anything to fix things and especially to have him see that right now he is going through a bad time and its just the stress. I also find myself confused that we went from almost breaking up to me having him stay right back to normalcy and it makes me feel like i don't know if its the stress or it is more than that and he really doesn't feel the connection anymore especially when this is the first time he has ever said this. How do I reconnect everything so that we can go back to having fun and being at a good point? Im afraid I will do something stupid to ruin it all when I am trying hard to be there for him and still do the things I need to do . We are not an 18&22 yr old couple anymore and we both work now and are at higher levels in our career paths how do we continue this while dealing with things like the ones he is facing and that im facing without breaking it up. I am at such a loss right now I am so hurt and still awaiting his phone call because I am honestly to nervous to call him and say the wrong thing, when we just fixed everything. I know he is stressed , how do I help him through all this?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Post count: 42

    sorry for the long post above but here is more insight to see why i am confuse as of what to do.
    Yesterday after I wrote this post we did talk like normal, but he still seemed really depressed and upset and even mentioned he felt (burnt out from work and everything going on and is emotionally tiered) He also tried to be mushy and gave me phone kisses and said i love you twice. I didnt mention the issues of the day before or how we almost broke up, I didnt bring up my confused state either I decided to just listen and go with the flow. Once he went to bed I felt really more confused than anything becaue the day before he wanted to leave and said there was not connection but then last night along with the text from earlier yesterday he seemed normal and still wanted me around.
    Today I send him my usual morning text ( alittle later than usual because I am not 100% sure what im suposed to be doing) he texted that if i hadnt texted he wouldnt of woken up and that he over slept and would be cutting it close to work. The rest of his texts since have been totally normal even joked around with me and everythig. If all this is stressed based how do I support him to a point where I am not pushing him away at this already confusing state.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    Hey Yvonne,

    Hey, sorry I didn't get to this til now and it took me a little while to read through it too.

    You know, the guy (to me) is on the edge of burn-out or some stress related problems. And you guessed it right, from what I read. His nerves and emotions were more than likely red raw which provoked his reaction to you about no connection.

    Question: Are you two living together or apart?

    So what next?
    [1] Obviously you know to be supportive. Even so, also be yourself and avoid tippy-toeing around since that's unnatural.

    [2] When he's less stressed, like over a weekend or a break, that's probably a good time to approach the subject of helping him and supporting him with all these stressful scenarios.

    It's a matter of him solidly recognising you as a partner and partners help and support each other through the tough times, to enjoy the good ones together. Peas in a pod and all that.

    It'll depend on how the conversation flows and could be as simple as a list of all the stress he's getting and mutually deciding how the two of you can deal with each one.

    Is this making any sense to your situation and understanding, Yvonne?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Post count: 42

    So what next?
    [1] Obviously you know to be supportive. Even so, also be yourself and avoid tippy-toeing around since that’s unnatural.
    YV: after what happened on wednesday night I feel confused as to how to approach bringing up the subject he was so sure of breaking up and the loss of connection and now even as I type he has been texting me and speaking to me like nothing has happened. (and since we are still together) its normal but I feel like I want to know if what he said was in the moment or if it was really the truth if so how do I proceed in re connecting and what do I do ?

    [2] YV: AGREE! I was not even going to bring it up until I notice he was much calmer, the weekend seems like the perfect time since he already has planned for us to go out to dinner and have a date night.

    Is this making any sense to your situation and understanding, Yvonne?
    YV:yes it is I guess I am just taken back a bit by what was said tuesday night, and hurt. Couples have arguments but this I felt was really strange One day he says there is no connection then the next two days after he says fine to staying and we work on it its like nothing happened and he is more talkative than before.

    I know what I did that made him more stressed on our end and i know now that at this time the relationship should probably be his escape from the other things going on.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    sorry I copied the whole top of it and forgot to delete it from the post.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    I'm sorry to keep adding but I want to make sure you see the whole issue.

    So he brought it up today by stating that he was going to go forWalk then he will call me because he feels anxious and upset (he heard some bad news about a friend of his being fired from his job) about some news at work and he said he apologizes for how he has been acting he is really stressed and can't function. I said it was ok and that I understand . He brought up that what he said on Tuesday he meant though he has felt that we can't even have a conversation that isn't about “how the relationship is doing, when we are going to make moves, how he feels about me, and if everything is ok” I know now my mistakes and what I was doing wrong . Now that I know I want nothing more but to fix it. So I asked him then about how is it he can feel that way and then be totally normal yesterday and today with me, his response is he loves me . I felt really bad because he stil thinks we cAnt work right. Then something got into me and I asked him ” do u think its worth fixing like do you think if we work on it we can get back to where we left off” he said “it's possible, it's definitely possible” . He had to go on his walk and stil right before saying he would call me back he says he loves me and gives a kiss. This the i love you's and the kisses they are so confusing he is saying no connection because of how much I was insisting to talk about the relationship and the pressure from before that I admit to now realizing my mistake and understanding why that made him feel the way it did. But even as he is saying it five seconds later he shows some kind of emotion towards me . How do I fix this even if he is wiling to try. I know I played my part in all of this but I just want to know if we can come back from this?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    Yvonne – I'm still unaware if you two are cohabitating as well – that has an impact.

    That said, I'm glad you're seeing where some of your behaviour has added pressure to the situation.

    And it is actually a great discovery that he still feels strongly about you, shows affection and sayd he loves you – those are strong indicators the two of you have a good connection together.

    What he is likely to be thinking is the added pressure and stress you past line of questioning has placed on him. Think of it as him thinking the fun has evaporated. Too much serious talk now and the casual nature of your early times has gone.

    One strategy might be to admit to him where you yourself have gone too heavy and suggest you both try dating again. Shows you're serious. Gives him the option to lighten up and make a choice on direction.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    I’m still unaware if you two are cohabitating as well – that has an impact.
    YV: no we do not live together we actually live 45 minutes to an hour apart.

    That said, I’m glad you’re seeing where some of your behaviour has added pressure to the situation.
    YV: I do and we had a conversation last night were I told him that now Im aware of the pressure I was placing on him and how the conversations we have been have been having were not fun anymore and that since I am 100% aware of it that I can change that. I told him Im willing to do make the changes we have always been saying we would make to better us and not just untill things settle down but for good.

    And it is actually a great discovery that he still feels strongly about you, shows affection and sayd he loves you – those are strong indicators the two of you have a good connection together.
    YV:how can he say he loves me and do all the mushy kissing on the phone when at the same time he says he doesnt feel the connection. Even when I asked him last night if this was worth working out and if we could get back the connection he said its definitely possible. But he still says he feels a connection was lost. I really do feel bad about this because I feel like this is all my fault for the way I was pressuring him and now I want nothing more than to fix it.

    What he is likely to be thinking is the added pressure and stress you past line of questioning has placed on him. Think of it as him thinking the fun has evaporated. Too much serious talk now and the casual nature of your early times has gone.
    YV: he did say this was the reason “the fun is gone, all our conversations are serious nothing normal about the conversations its been like this for a little while but i know your a great girl”

    One strategy might be to admit to him where you yourself have gone too heavy and suggest you both try dating again. Shows you’re serious. Gives him the option to lighten up and make a choice on direction.
    YV: I did tell him I know what my mistakes were and that i can fix them now. He said he does think we can get the connection back “possibility”. How to I get this from being a possibility to being an actual thing?
    Is there any hope? and am I the only problem right now because of my pressuring?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    Let me start and answer the last question first, Yvonne.

    There's always hope, OK?

    So there's certainly the mushy stuff because there is still a strong connection. It's just that certain parts of the overall connection have been lost due to the continual serious talk.

    Which was why I suggested to step back a few steps and think about dating again – which is a little easier since you do live apart. Don't hinge on every ‘out of place' word like possibility and stuff either. That's still showing you're not as relaxed as you need to be.

    I've been through the same myself in overthinking too much. When you can get more relaxed and at ease with yourself and him, things will again start to flow.

    There's also a quick to read eBook in the Shop called Relationship Success – 3 Mistakes in your Love Life You'll Be Making that you might find helpful too. It's less than a cup of coffee :)

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    what do you mean by dating?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    yesterday he came over and the whole morning till about three was perfect. He was sweet he was cuddling and loving and even in a moment of i guess happiness he stated ” i don't want to lose the one good thing i have ” we watched the NYKS game and had fun like actual fun no stressing even when he brought up the conversation about distance it was ok like he mentioned he does still have a connection but he feels a part is numb but he knows he loves me . we went to see a movie and during the movie he checked his watch and from that point his attitude changed it was evident in his behavior he was frustrated or upset.

    When the movie was over I asked him what was wrong he said nothing was wrong. we began to talk and he asked if next week he could come and stay over and have a weekend of fun and just some time away from all the craziness going on in both of our lives. Of course i said yes. As we continued to talk I brought up how I felt a little confused before an he said well ” Im trying to make it work aren't I , I do care a lot and im trying i just cant assess all my feelings right now but im trying ” as he kept driving the conversation took a different route and he began to talk about how he does not want to go home (because of the issues at home ), and from there it was like his entire mood changed.
    Once he got back home we talked on the phone and he seemed normal and happy and still was mushy and kept saying I love you

    I know I cant fix his issues for him, but how can I be there for him in a way that may help him while not feeling like everything can fall apart at any given time.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
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    Hey Yvonne,

    What you want to avoid IS being too possessive and clingy which is why I suggested to date again. By that, I meant to cool the relationship down a little. There’s a lot of relationship stress going on at the moment so you’ve got to seriously chill out and take a step back.

    By doing that, it also allows him to better understand the value that you hold in his life. This is exactly like a long distance relationship and the challenges they have all the time.

    I can tell your boyfriend is trying to sort things out in his head and this is often times an involved process especially when you consider the number of different stress areas he’s got going on in his life. Your relationship with him is just one of them so maybe it’s a matter of chilling things back a little, act as a friend instead of a girlfriend and look at helping as a friend would help? Could you do that?

    As it turns out, in all relationships, there isn’t an instant fix or silver bullet as much as you’d love all the mess to magically go away. It’s about learning about your partner and they about you.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    I think I can try to help as a friend. and taking it back a little I am going to try to it just hurts a lot right now because i feel like my heart is all in it and although he says he is in it and we are together and that he loves me and cares at this moment it doesn't feel concrete. I know he is going through so much right now. I have been trying all day to stay away from texting him and calling and try to get through my clinical day at school and I really began to feel down and questioning if it can get better. I only have a few more weeks like 3 or 4 till the end of school and I would like to have my head set on that. A friend suggested getting away from him for a while, but that thought hurt more than staying with him through all this. Which in every relationship there are hard times if you bail during those times its not fair or the other person and its not right. I dont want to do that anyway. I just i would like to know where I stand for him right now if when he says he loves me and cares is true or when he acts out and gets all grouchy. He still comes to me when hes hurt or scared or upset and I know that shows he cares but I just i feel like i want to make sure he does care and that we can get through this. I will take it back a notch though

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
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    Try to avoid confusing what is likely to be reality with what you're thinking, Yvonne.
    He has obviously made (or is making) it as clear as he can how he feels for you and he is also under quite a bit of stress. Take and trust him at face value and go with that.

    Easing back or taking a break without placing him under _any_ pressure will give you both some time out – that can often times be a blessing in disguise. As an example, when Pam and I were in a long distance relationship, we (like everyone else on the planet) would have disagreements. The time apart without communication allowed some clarity and strengthen the relationship.

    So when he comes to you when he's hurt, do the caring thing as just a friend. You both will get through this.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    This weekend has been a definite test t everything we have been currently going through. this friday he had a guys night that ended up miserably for him. He ended up stopping by my home and sleeping over. Once he got up for the day all his feelings came out and he finally said how What happened two weeks ago the break up threat and everything he was just over stressed and finally had a break down . He said now that the year is clearing up and work is getting much better he feels like all our connection is coming back and he realizes that if I had allowed him to leave once he came back to the normal amount of stress he would of felt horrible and been worse off.

    While he was sleeping from his adventurous boys night out I used his phone. My reason was he had “lent ” his friend who was also a part of the fun night his car. But nothing was said of the return or when it would happen. So I decided to text his friend to find out the where about of the car and all that jazz. After texting his friend I saw a message sent to a friend of his named “cindy”. the text messages were from one day and it was just the wording I did not like and I got hurt from it especially since they were during this week when things were kind of not so great. I confronted him about it and he apologized said that she is just a friend and that he respects my concern and will not continue Texting.

    The rest of the day went fine he was more open about his feelings with us and everything.

    Its late in the night now and after the long ride home he finally gave me a call and I was holding in a couple of questions about the text issue. I brought it up and he became frustrated and said ” I apologized I told you i wont text her anymore she is just a friend I respect you respect your wishes and I understand why Your mad and how I am wrong but I dont want to talk about this anymore its done. We spoke about it all day and I just dont want to talk about it anymore”. I feel like these two weeks have been an absolute roller coaster and like Once he says not to talk about it anymore if i force the issue it will ruin how far we came to fix this and its still in the just getting fixed phase. Should I be concerned with this or just let it go since we came back so far from what we had going on before. I have had issues with my insecurities in the past and Its something I am still working on and I just dont want to get hurt. He made it clear he doesnt want to talk about it and that he understands why i was upset and he apologized. I just wonder if i should be concerned

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    Yvonne,

    There's 2 areas that you need to understand and act on here – Nagging and Acceptance.

    He's already explained his actions and done something about it. You can either accept this as the truth, move on with the acceptance OR continue nagging (as he sees it and something inherent in women) and accept those consequences.

    What really is the end goal here? Could I suggest it's cutting done on his stress, learn to trust each other and work on yourselves to be better than you were before? The acceptance of his actions will be challenging for you due to insecurities however that's something YOU need to work on and try not to allow that to impact on your relationship.

    Unless you know anything more suspicious about this text thing, drop it, accept it and mention it only if he wants to talk further about it. Dwelling on such things is going to eat you up. You've got better things to work on and head towards, don't you think?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    I was able to drop the whole texting thing, because I realize its not that serious. Since the huge fight things have calmed down a bit I stoped asking if he cares and what not. This week has been a little unsteady mostly because we havent really been able to have time to talk (or I guess for a guy its enough but not necessarily for a woman). I havent brought it up to him or anything in the fear that It will just cause more stress that he doesnt need right now.

    This week he has really been serious about the whole getting a car and moving out mission. Due to the incident with his family (this one finally tipped the ship). So all week he has been running around getting things done and doing his gym time. I have been supportive and everytime he asks if im bothered by the fact that he hasnt been able to give alot of time i say no its all fine I totally understand. It does bother me a little but i have been throwing myself into the studying and trying to put away all the worries for after my last two exams. I will be finished with this semster soon and he will still have another month left. Last night he was really eager to look at cars and apartments which is great a year and a half ago I was nagging him to go and get everything together because thats when his family issues really began to stir up. But now that he is actually doing it.. I am starting to feel a little left behind. I am happy and proud that he is finally doing what he needs to do for himself to be happy, I just feel like im not there yet even though I would love to be. My circumstances have not been the easiest lately and I am trying to move forward with my career and get my self together too. Before this whole fight we had planned to move in and get everything set ‘together'… When i asked him yesterday if we would still be moving in together. He said at first no not sure but eventually he does want to live with me. Not sure if this is good or not since before this we were sure (or atleast to me knowledge we were) that everything we would be able to do together. He has come out of the grouchyness and mean vibe. Now he is more serious and mission oriented on his goals. He is still caring and from time to time says things that shows he care but I still feel like I'm avoiding mentioning or asking for a little more of anything just to prevent stressing out. Do I keep holding it back until school is over or his school is over or do i give it a shot now?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    I'd suggest you still keep it chill.
    It's only been a week or so, so give it time. I know you're eager to find that silver bullet but you have to realise different people do things at a different pace.

    He sounds like he's still got a number of important priorities to sort out which include his family situation and moving out – those are pretty major and he may well just need his own ‘quiet time' to sort a few of these major mental obstacles out. Once he does, that allows more space to think clearer and I'd suggest that would include you.

    I know this is challenging for you. You've got some of your own priorities yourself besides him so get those sorted, focus on them so you both have space. When some of his baggage is thrown out, there's more room in his head for you.

    As a parting comment: Remember you are your own wonderful woman and a great individual.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Trying to remember the last part of your comment is hard. Only because I feel like I am multitasking my little brains out. Today I tried to do nothing but study and give him space to be with his guys. Tomorrow is mothers day its a sunday that we usually spend together butt due to the holiday He is staying at his house and I at mine with my family. I wont get to see him till next weekend which is fine because of work and all the test I have this week It evens out.

    Tonight Has been a roller coaster. I'm Learning saying nothing is so much better than something because I am the one constantly hurt (possibly because I am over thinking and not just being in the moment). Four times the question or discussion of where we will go and what he feels came up. 1st time i got ” I see a future and i love you ” 2nd time (he brought it up ) ” Idk right now i cant put my finger on things even us I'm not sure what it is I want or if we will be here in a while or not” 3rd ( I questioned him because I felt confused and a bit uneasy)” Idk i dont want to talk about it because I just don't know, Maybe we should just not be together Its like i can predict how everything will go and I just don't know anymore… ” After that I let it go stayed silent and shut everything off and tried to put myself back into my studies. 5 minutes later (and through out the whole day) he called and says “I love you so much …. gives kisses, ” so i said (because I am just hurt and frustrated that I am doing everything to make it comfortable for him ) ” I'm just going to play this by ear because Its not permanent it seems” his reply ” babe of course it is i'm not going anywhere don't be upset”. This is confusing and its starting to really hurt. I don't want to give up or pull myself out more than I already have because every time I draw away he calls or texts me and I have hope again. but having that hope and no direction is just super confusing.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    As I suggested, Yvonne, you gotta chill which you sound like you're doing too.

    You said the right thing about playing it by ear. Now you need the resolve and mindset to do just that. He's the one that needs to make up his mind on the future since you already have. It's always the case in every relationship that one partner needs to catch up with where the other is at – no two people travel the same speed.

    Take your own advice and keep to it.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
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    Post count: 42

    this week was a little more up then down.
    He finally got his own car on Wednesday which he had been aiming and struggling for. The day after he got his car he came up to see me and said ” that now since his family doesn't have a car to use as a manipulating tool he can come up more often. which is great the day he came up was nice and fine Friday he went out with his friends and got home early and made it a point to give me some conversation before bed .

    Then yesterday he came up and was in a bad mood and was annoyed with anything and everything i could say or do . It wasn't till we were towards the later part of the evening that he mentioned that another issue was bugging him at home. So i understood and put my guard defenses down and was patient to listen to him and let him know i am there.
    He left a little earlier than usual because i have a huge exam tomorrow. and i did want to study yesterday evening and today all day.

    But today he texted me bright an early that h was leaving to gym and since whenever i would call or text he would ignore or not respond. i took a break from my studies and went online to chat with a friend as i get online i notice he is in the chat also with his friends talking about playing some basket ball game. A little part of me got angry because instead of just communicating that he needed guy time or something today he just ignores my call. So i called him and he just gave me an attitude and told me he is busy and has so many things to do and just wants sometime to play his game and get work done. and when he has a moment then he will give me a moment.

    I got really upset by this reason:
    When he was going through his masters any and every time he had an exam he would come over to study because i would support him and help him with flash cards and make food so he didnt have to stray away from his studies and just show all around support. I never complained and i did it free willingly and out of kindness because i saw how hard he was working and how stressed he was.
    Now I know a lot of men cant just take over the role and do cooking or cleaning and what not, nor do I expect that . In fact all I really wanted or want is a simple good luck some communication and not to be given attitude or made to feel like I'm doing something wrong . we don't live together so I don't expect him to come and help me actually study or anything but he knows this test is crucial in deciding whether i pass or not and a little support and care goes a long way.

    with everything going on with him I understand where his anger and defense comes from right now but its been going on for more than a month now and this is just after the fight. If i even bring up a request or suggestion i get “your criticizing me ” i don't know if i come off like i am but its not my intent. I dont know how to tell him that i understand his hurt and frustration but at the same time he is making me feel the way he feels. I have no say and lately he gets the final word in just about everything because I don't want to agitate or make things worse. Also i'm really just trying to be supportive.. But through all this i have moments or stress and worries and i feel like the one person who I want to listen and care i cant even ask too.

    How do I tell him that with out making it sound like a demand or criticism ?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    We've already spoken about chilling out which you sound like you're coping with.
    Though you also need to be careful he doesn't mistakenly take this as an opportunity to walk all over you too, Yvonne.

    The point of this is you probably need to set some foundational ground rules in this relationship that you're both comfortable with and willing to accept – which will involve some compromise on both sides.

    Start small with a list of 5 things you need for your own security and comfort. From the sounds of it, you'll also need to pick the best time to approach him to talk about subtle shift. When that opportunity presents itself, you need to be in a calm mindset with an approach like ‘Hey babe, I've been chilling and I think this is a great time to get a few things sorted like what you and I want as the best groundrules to make us both happy and comfortable. This is important'

    Is this something you see working in your situation, Yvonne?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    Things lightened up a bit they are not bad but not the way they were before April. He has had his guy night and I have learned to have my girl time and especially my me time again. this week I have been working crazy hours and along with those hours I have been his personal assistant. Meaning sending out his resume scheduling his stuff organizing his calendar and filling out applications for him. Since he can't really do it right now since the school year for high school students is coming to an end for the teachers though it means speedy grading and final making. We have been stressed out with work and me with trying to get into another program and stuff. we did the bring up 5 things or rules we should have and compromise on and I have kept my part and he has tried to keep his. I let go when he acts a certain way because I figure he's tiered from work and stressed ( don't poke the bull). I am a bit concerned that this is going to be this way even when he is out of work for the summer. He is looking for a summer job teaching (well I am looking for it) How do I go about bringing up me concern and a possible preventative solution without making him feel like I am pushing him or that I am criticizing him.

    I have definitely learned how to compromise a lot this last month or so but asking for something I was still seems a bit nerve racking because I am still a little unsure if he feels like he is sure about us.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    Things got worse. We broke up today. I am really hurt and confused I called him to try and talk things through because it just came up on the phone when I was on my way home from work . I asked him to think about it and when we did talk again later in the day he said that he was still coming up to see me on sunday and when I asked if we are back together and we are okay he just says he doesnt know he wants to think things through and he just wants the night to think and he would call me again tonight. he also said that he just needs a little time and everything will be okay. So we hung up and I am still hurt because I am not quite sure what to do or say and how to fix this I just dont know what to do or say.
    How this happened was he was getting ready for a guys weekend I asked him if he could give me some time before he left and he made a huff sound and when I said ” i only ask because all week you have been in a not wanting to talk to have time mood because of your issues with work and school” from there he just says i dont know its just not fun u seem to just be serious and stuff now its not fun what ever its over” then hangs up like nothing. After house later that is when he calls back and we have the conversation above.

    How do I save this??

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    I think it's time you start to own your power, Yvonne.
    There's a serious lack of respect from him to you and from what I read, he's using the ‘upper hand' in a bad way to do what he wants and when he wants, without regard for you and your needs.

    This is a liberating time for you too – dump his ass in your mind and look for someone who is better for you and your needs. Do this in your mind and shape the characteristics of who that person looks and feels like.

    When ‘he' calls (if he calls), plainly tell him he's obviously not the right person for you and don't call you again. This is likely not the solution you thought you'd be hearing but it's time for a wake-up call to him. He'll go one or two ways – he'll realise he's a fucking idiot and come back to his senses or he won't.

    If the latter, then he really isn't the right one for you and you need to start your journey to find who is.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    that sounds really hard and when I think about that partner I think of him before he became a teacher when he was working in the hospital. From last year he has been different like more stressed and with the issues at home ( I know it sounds like im making excuses but honestly he has bad issues with his family). Before this he was perfect sweet caring stopped by my house more and then once teaching began it poof destroyed it. I supported him through the schooling even when he went through the horrible moods.

    I know I am flawed and I have tried to work on mine. but the whole fun thing. That really bugs me because I try to be fun but when I ask something in regards to our relationship he gets annoyed or says I ask that every day then I get a bit worried about what happens then.

    He just called from boys night drunk like everything fine and he still cares and wants to be around. Its just so confusing.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    You need to give Karim a wake up call, Yvonne.
    You can not allow his whims to dictate the relationship or you'll forever be confused and a slave to his power. From all you've said (including the reasons why he does things), he is treating you poorly and without respect.

    Do you wish to be treated like this, I ask?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hey Yvonnne,
    I saw your reply about last night.
    Please note I've disabled Activity Stream commenting now because it really makes the conversation disjointed.

    From what I read, my suggestion remains the same – he's treating like shit here and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that that isn't on and the time has come that it is over.

    You need to own this and make a stand and respect yourself.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    I wasn't able to just end it, I found my self hurting at the thought of it. But here is what happened apologize for the long nature of this but I do what to know what you think about what ended up happening.

    When we finally spoke at night he let me know he was sick with food poisoning I still told him no excuse he could of texted that earlier. But it continuted I asked him if he was okay that we were still together his response “ no I feel like we argue a lot and I am tiered of the insecurities & I don't know” so I said “do you love me ? “,
    k: “yes”
    me: do you think all the problems have been my fault?
    K: no
    me: do you think how you treated me and how you have been acting has been fair or easy to deal with ?
    K: no I realize that
    Me: I dont want to break up something in me still thinks it can work and we just need to go slow I know I am insecure and I am the only one who can fix that. I know I need to stop nagging you and being the way I am with you when we fight and I need to try to be a bit more understanding of your exhaustion when you get home and not try to just pick at something if anything when we are tense. We both have stuff to work on & I think if we get on it we cant fix it.
    K: okay we can give it a shot I know I have been an ass lately I honestly don't know myself anymore nor do I like who I see after everything with family and work and just everything (he mentions something private about returning to church) and he is aware that when he is stressed that is usually when this stress and anger and fights happen.
    We agreed to work things out and give it a last shot
    night goes on and we did some stuff in our homes when we got back to talking
    me: r u sure you love me ?
    K: yes
    me: do you still feel like we can make moves forward
    K: idk, im not ready or sure enough to discuss that becaue of the aruging and fighting I cant deal with the insecurities we just need to see how this goes.
    Me: r u in love ?
    K: idk 50% yes when we are not fighting and ur not mad its perfect like I love being around and and with u and I can look at you and know its okay these moments are when I realize or the ones I remember when I think about going or leaving . But then 50% I hate fighting I have the insecurities & I wonder if we would be better apart
    me: so basically when ur not in ur mood and im not in mine and the fights dont happen everything goes smooth . But ur aware that all couples have fights there will never be no arguments
    k: I know that but the arguments we have had lately not all your fault they are mine too but I try to let it go and move on and you dont I get that you cant sometimes because I leave it open ended but there is not reason for it to feel this way. But when we are good I love everything about u and cant get enough I havent been able to open up me emotions are on high defense with everything family wise. I do love u and im willing to see how it goes from here.
    Me: is it possible to stop the arguments from getting to where hey got and instill the fun back ? And do you believe we can get it back and move forward once we feel like the fighting slowed down and the some fun is back (we both need to open up emotionally)
    k: like I said im ½ there 1.2 crazy in love ½ like this week or other weeks quesioning why im here dealing with this and wondering why I stay but when I get one glimpse of you when your calm and im calm I remember why I stay and work it out. I do love you and I go backand forth with the in love and manage to come around and decide to stay because I do think you are worth it and I hope it can be fixed
    me: once we can get things calm and you arent so stressed out after two weeks do you think we would be able be sure more sure atleast that you know it will work and more than 50/50 .
    k: yea I just think right now we need to see how it goes and if we can bring back the fun and the not fighting unless its something actually worth fighting over then yea I do think its possible we can make this work. I do care and love you very much I just hate our fights and your insecurities.

    We said out good nights and after everything I know we are still together but I feel exhausted. I know I have to work on myself and right now its evident he does too ( which I honestly didn't know he didn't like who he was becoming ) I just dont like going back into this 50/50 I know im not perfect and its evident I have insecurities but this happens in the spring and once he is out from work things get better. And we have fun again, I am still inlove and I know its probably dumb of me but I am through it all I get mad frustrated and angry but I would still stay through the thick and thin. I would like to work on this and get it back to the happy we were once and not this fighting stressed out couple we have become. This year has been a journery but this spring has been worse. I know you think I should of broke it off but from where it is now how can I get it to reach happiness ?

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    i think I probably should have listened to you. Saturday after we agreed o work on the relationship I was confused still but I felt a bit of hope. Sunday we didn't really talk until the evening. What I had thought we agreed on working together he seemed to switch it on me . He brought up that he doesn't know if it can work or if there is any fixing we can possibly do . I've said it before maybe I'm dumb or don't respect myself what ever it may be I do want to be with him and I do want to make it work . I am willing to fight through my issues and insecurities and try to make the changes or the things he needs. From him I just want for him to be able to handle his stress more & for him to communicate. right now I am in a stand still filled with confusion I am not sure what we are or what to do . last night he said he isn't sure if it can be fixed worth fixing & if i would even be able to change . I am willing to try and fight for our relationship we didn't get to discuss further that what he said because he was tiered or what not and he said we would talk about it today. I tried to not bother him today and only text-ed him good morning from which he did quickly respond and we held a normal conversation about his job. so now for the later portion of this day I will probably wait for him to contact me in a sense of giving him space but i would like to fix and change our issues for the better and i do think we can if he does contact tonight how would I go about asking him to continue the relationship and mending the things that need to be mended.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Yvonne, I can see this is going around in circles. From the outside looking in, I still feel he's very much at fault in not taking responsibility for his own actions. To me, he's got you dangling from a puppet string and continues to toy with your emotions, in a very controlling way.
    You need to remove this leverage he has over you.
    What you can do is honestly say to him that it might not work but is he willing to try, yes or no. If yes, sit down together and make out a list of all the things that your relationship has going for it – crystallize the positives so you can work on the things that need working on.
    Get the foundational stuff out in the open.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Where are you up to Yvonne?
    Long time no hear.

  • Profile photo of YvonneYvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42

    there is no re connecting after the spiral downfall. We broke up today (for good) he told me he no longer loves me even after saying he did five min before and that he doesn't know himself or what he wants because of everything he is going through . The last feew weeks I have been trying to get him a job and d everything for him. and just help him I did it without any complaint and all I asked was for some time. Last weekend we had fun until he got into an argument with his family and then he said things that made me feel like he loved me and was worried I would leave. Then today after not really speaking to each other in two days because he was having tons and tons of guy time. I asked if today we could have time together even if for an hour the response I was given was i don't know when I will have time for you plus im going out again today. So my response was that Its fine I just want an hour or so of us time. then he said that he desnt know who he is anymore and he feels like he is dragging me along and that its unfair and that right now he is not sure of who he is and he wants to give my mother the ring he was going to give me since it was originally hers. As I tried to get him to explain more about why he feels like we cant work
    i got that he just knows im not the one and with everything we been through he just doesn't feel like putting in the time right now because of what he has going. Just last week he had no issue asking me to do things for him or for me to give him money when he needed it. and now its like im nothing he never said thank you for the stuff I did or gave me the time i wanted. I know I should of listened the first time but I hoped everything could get fixed. I am just hurting now that four years was thrown away only to be told im not the one and he doesn't love me because of the things that have happened. I am also afraid i wont ever find anyone else. which is probably something stupid to think about right now but I am upset and he wouldn't let me get a word in to discuss what went wrong.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    It's always a sad time when a relationship ends, always.
    And there's a grieving period too, Yvonne.

    But you know what? The saying about every cloud has a silver lining is so very true and especially applies to a relationship breakup. You've discovered Kareem wasn't your destined partner and that's a good thing to know. Even better knowing the real true love is out there, just waiting for you to find him – that's worth celebrating.

    Go check out my post on Finding Your True Love and begin your process of healing and awareness so you can begin your journey to real happiness. There's an enormous volume of dating prep articles I've already written, I can help through the forums and available for one-on-one personal mentor guidance too.

    You gotta pick yourself up and get started again, when you're ready.

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