Home Forums Relationships General Relationships I broke up w/ my bf because he let heroin users back into his house

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  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    Post count: 8
    #4762 |

    Hello. My bf and I just discovered that his son and son's girlfriend were shooting heroin in my bf's house in the son's room. They both having been living for free at my boyfriend's house for the past two years. The boy is 21 and the girl is 24, and both had full-time jobs up until now. They both went into rehab, and the day the son got home to my bf's, the girlfriend was back over. I asked my boyfriend if she was there in his house and he said no. I drove over there to see for myself and she was, so he lied to me.

    I broke up with my boyfriend because he lied to me but mainly because he let this girl back into his house. I feel like this was such poor parental judgment. He's always had poor parental judgment when it comes to his boy, but this was the last straw.

    I'm sure I did the right thing by getting out. I'm probably mostly here for support. I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    Now that’s an interesting situation indeed.
    I never condone lying of any kind in a relationship myself. Other people however do so and do so without malice and having good intentions – see Is Lying Ever Acceptable In A Relationship.

    Your words suggest to me though that you mainly broke it off as the ex-heroin user girlfriend was there and not mainly due to the lie. So what’s the issue with that with you?

    Was the girlfriend there in support of the son? Do you dislike the girlfriend? We’re you looking for a reason to end it with your boyfriend and this was it? What did the boyfriend tell you when you arrived to the discovery? You’re suggesting you ended a relationship due to someone else’s parenting skills?

    There’s probably more to it than I’m aware of, from your initial question.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    Post count: 8

    It's been 5 1/2 years of watching my bf try to deal with his son. Bf has done nothing in response to his poor behavior. There are no consequences whatsoever for this kid. He's been in rehab for pills once before. I knew it was going to come to this at some point, and I promised myself I'd be out. I've been open the whole time asking him to get help for himself to be able to respond more effectively to his kid who rules his world, but he hasn't done anything. He is successful at work but doesn't seem to put in effort to help his kid. Having a hard time watching the whole thing.

    This girlfriend supposedly was in support of this son the last time he was out of rehab. She never did drugs before and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be a good turnout for her either.

    I have nothing against the girlfriend, except she's never respect my bf for 2 years, and, in the end, used heroin along w/ his son in his house.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    I am 49 and he is 51, for reference. We're supposed to be grownups at this stage.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
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    Post count: 250

    That's a long drawn out situation you've been in so congratulations for riding it out that long!

    At the end of the day, you can only put so much of yourself into another person and it's entirely your decision as whether that's going to be good for you, in the long term. You can liken it to a level of mental abuse, if you like. At some point, you need to say ‘enough is enough, I'm unable to live this way and in these conditions' and call it quits.

    While it might be tough on your boyfriend to see the relationship end and him carrying on with his son, you've been there in support and guidance, as best you can. A partnership is a two way street – if he's unable to take action and move forward in an area you've been trying to coach him in for so long, then I can only say that you've made the correct decision FOR YOU.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    Post count: 8

    I agree. I tried. Thank you. We split up after I found the evidence. He supposedly was watching situation but said he never found anything, except for a “burnt spoon” I was to only find out later. He figured a visiting friend that he kicked out was the one who was to blame for the spoon. What I found, and it was so many things, was pretty much out in the open – needles, spoons, ties things, ripped open plastic bags, etc. I did meet him twice for dinner while boy was in rehab because I felt I abandoned him, pleading w/ him to get help and asking him to arrange for therapy, etc., or else we had not future, but he didn't. Then, ultimately, as always, I found status quo, so I'm tired. He keeps trying to contact me. I'm not talking to him. Thanks again.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    It's been over a month after breaking up with him, and my life is so much better/healthier – for those who are having a hard time getting out of a similar situation….

  • LookingAtYou
    Post count: 0

    Wow, that's so great to hear.
    I know a few other girls that have been trapped with toxic men. They never think they can get out of it until something drastic happens and then they realize life is so much more amazing and worthwhile.
    Praise you've been able to do it. You're a strong woman and should be proud of it.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
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    Post count: 8

    Thanks, LookingAtYou. I really do appreciate your words. It wasn't easy at first. But it's amazing how simple it gets in the end. You end up with such clarity. Making the decision is hard, sticking with it for a few weeks is hard, but then it gets easier. Like any addiction, I guess. You have to realize your worth and never forget it. Figure out what type of life you deserve and want, what you're comfortable with. Sometimes, that means being alone (but maybe not forever!). Good luck to you all.

  • Profile photo of twentytwelvetwentytwelve
    Participant
    Post count: 8

    And fyi, today ex-bf travels to receive a national award. He works for an international company and is very successful. Crazy, no?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    LookingAtYou is right though. It was toxic and you've removed yourself so you can gain something you deserve so kudos for you.
    As for the ex-bf getting an award, that's work which means nothing if you've got no-one to truly share life's successes with. One day he might discover that.
    As for you, get out there and find your own joy.

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