Home Forums Relationships General Relationships insecurity taking over our relationship and its me

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  • insecurity taking over our relationship
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    #5438 |

    Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and 2 months. We have had ups and down and this last year was the worst, his parents are extremely conservative while mine are open and liberal that being said its been a challenge for me to get his family to like me completely. last year we took a three month break because of a huge useless fight over time and stress and school. this year i just feel like ‘im tiered stressed and that i'm alone in it. I love him a lot with my whole heart but i feel im being the horrible nightmare girlfriend. He is usually sweet but we do have our fights most of the fights are about the following:

    • When will we be engaged (me)
    • Why cant you communicate when we can talk or see each other (me)
    • why cant you just call me to let me know where you are or when you will be home when you leave work(me )
    • do you love me (me)
    • why do you love me (me)
    • Why cant you make more time for me at night (me)
    • why cant you be more patient (him)
    • Why cant you understand my job is hard and takes up time(him)
    • You don't give me credit for all the good stuff i do (him)

     

    I have not been insecure in the relationship before until recently, i cant help but ask him if hes cheating or if he still loves me and i have no real reason to think of either because we talk every night and he does love me and its just i feel like most guys hurtful to their spouses or girlfriends by doing this and i just dont want to be that person. We fight about this constantly especially they why and if you love me because he usually says “how can you not know that i do why do you always ask its been 3 years cant you see that i love you”

    I dont know what to do im tiered of being upset and depressed and worried and i dont want to push him away anymore i just want to be happy.

    and so you have some background we dont live together hes a teacher im in my last year of school and i work two days a week. we live about 45 minutes away from each other i dont drive and he shares his car with his mom who usually tries to make sure she uses it often. we talk to each other every night.

    I want to know what to do i get really upset when hes out of work and doesn't text or call me to let me know his plans after it bugs me so much i get anxiety. when i tell him he says okay ill try to do it more he does it better then there are times he forgets like today.
    i want to stop feeling like i do today right now stop wondering and be a better girlfriend how do i fix it what should i do and is there any way to fix it other than breaking up (suggested by my mother who thinks that im the cause of everything)

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi. An interesting situation too.

    You know, those very same situations that you fight about are the very ones that just about every couple have, at some point in their relationship.

    It's caused by relationship insecurity, a lack of total trust for each other and a lack of acceptance that another person isn't the same as yourself. Oh and the vast difference in the way men and women think and react to relationship situations.

    I just reviewed a great book all around the Inner Minds Of Men which gives women a fascinating insight into the thought processes of guys.

    As an example, all guys are in a constant battle of competition in all areas of their lives, that includes work, friends, sport and even leisure. That accounts for long hours at work to maintain a perceived advantage over colleagues and explains why work is so incredibly important to a man.

    That said, this is why a guy's wife or girlfriend REALLY is a guy's support mechanism – men have no other person we can really trust with our frailties. If that very special bond doesn't exist in a relationship, that makes things mentally stressful for a man.

    And certainly do remember men express love and have a different understanding of what love means, to that of women. That's a constant source of confusion to many couples UNTIL they both move to a higher level of understanding and acceptance.

    So tell me, do you really and truly believe your guy loves you, despite him not telling you every time you're together? Is your want to be engaged something more of your own affirmation that your relationship is on solid ground?

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    i do really believe he loves me and what you said about engagement i believe in a sense that might be true to but then what does that mean about how i view things?

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    I'm a little unsure of the question really.
    You know that he does love you yet you would like him to behave like you want him to. Is that what you're asking – how do you get him to act the way you want?

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    No the questions im asking is how do i stop the need to want engagement to make the relationship feel more secure because i believe that , that is what it may be.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    No the questions im asking is how do i stop the need to want engagement to make the relationship feel more secure because i believe that , that is what it may be.

    In purely realistic terms, do you think it makes any real difference to a relationship?

    I’d suggest not. You still can have fights, you can still breakup and you can still be extremely happy and contented, with or without being engaged or married. That is simply a state of mind and one you need to accept in your own mind.

    With that in mind, you now need to make it real so use an exercise that helps you realize that. Write at least 30 reasons on the following two areas:

    • Why I’m happy with my man, just the way he is
    • Why it makes no real sense in wanting so desperately to be engaged

    This exercise gets your mind active to help clear out your mental blocks and starts you being able to better appreciate what you have now.

  • YVONNE
    Post count: 0

    I will do that exercise , i guess for me it just feels a bit like because we have not made those steps yet that hes not as commited to me

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Rarelt do two people reach the same conclusion at the same time. Same for love – one partner usually ‘falls in love' with the other first and needs to wait for the other to catch up. That's OK providing there is understanding as well as acceptance.

    I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on the outcome of the exercise and how (and if) your thinking or mindset has changed.

    Please do pop back and let us all know.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    So i have tried to stop asking and forcing upon engagement with him but the other insecurities are still there. I find myself asking him if he is really here to stay and if he is never going to hurt me he always answers yes but i just i feel like even though i know he is being honest i just can't understand why. And im pushing him away i thought about everything you said the whole if i know he loves me and i do know i just i dont really understand why. Today we did get into a fight and we still have not spoken and i dont want to push him away and more. I dont know what to do or how to stop going round and round in circles. I really do care for him i do.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Insecurities often manifest themselves from issues you've had in the past.
    Have you previous relationships where the guy has been less than honest or hurt you in any way (emotional or physical)?

    Have a really deep think on this – there's got to be something in your past that is making you think this way.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    I have had both in the past before I was with my boyfriend . And its just hard to think that he wont do the same or eventually become the same way. We just got out of our argument but he is saying\” that i need to change my insecurities now\” and i feel like i\'m trying. I just there are things about him like his lack of communication and attention sometimes that i want to change but i don\'t throw it in his face like that everyday. I know i have to stop being insecure but i don\'t think he understands that a lot of the time its the little things he does that make me feel that way

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Now that we've got something to work on, we need to work on getting rid of all that unnecessary negative blockages.

    One really useful starting point is The Sedona Method which has been proven to work, scientifically.

    [video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aCRo872l4k[/video]

    Please do have a watch and let me know what questions you have, once you've applied the principles.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    I have a few questions.
    I will start with the video , I couldn't get it to work i just kept remembering how i felt over and over and it was like a replaying message that i'm upset and unhappy right now. As much as I wanted to think happy thoughts I couldn't I am not sure if i did something wrong of not.I am willing to try it again if you have any suggestions on how to proceed.
    I read the book the inner minds of men like you previously suggested although i am not finished with it yet but it seems as though this is only based for maried couples me and my boyfriend have not even gotten to that point yet we are not even engaged yet. And so far the author has never one mentioned how to get past the feeling of miss trust or the feeling that he may be cheating or not loving you as much any more. I will continue on to read the book. I know the book is about women understanding how their men feel but it does not really explain how to tell our men that we feel unloved without making them feel like they are an inadequate partner. The book goes on and on in saying that men thrive on the support from their wife/ significant other and i know personally that I may not give enough of it but i find it hard for me to give enough of it when I my self feel unloved unworthy and neglected.
    recently my boyfriend has told me that enough is enough and that I have to trust his and loose my insecurities or else this will never work out. It broke me to hear this from him and I am trying very hard to fix them but i feel that as much as I am trying to part of my insecurities are or come from things he does. For example today he promised me he would visit and spend the afternoon he even brought up us going to the gym and going to a restaurant we both like this was in the morning. However he is not coming today at all and he says it is because he has to stay at work later then expected just an hour later to write a test up for his students, he is a high school teacher. when he called he said ” i cant come today because i have to write up a test for the kids but u get to see me on Friday and next week is my spring break so I will make the effort to see you more” but the thing is every promise me makes to me i feel is useless because he rarely keeps them and then when I get upset because on days like today when I planed out the whole day and fixed myself up and ran home from class to make sure i got home on time he just doesn't see how it bothers me when he doesn't communicate things with me. I saw other forums where it said to make a list of the things you would like to fix or change about your partner that one feels would better the relationship as a whole. MY boyfriend reminds me lately constantly that the only thing he wants to change are my insecurities and trust issues.
    What I want to fix or change about him is:
    -the lack of communication on our plans , his feelings, and our relationship.
    – when we do get a moment to speak to each other that he would actually listen and pay attention.
    – to be more open about his emotions
    – for us to try to have more time together
    -for him to be able to show me his love not just by saying it.
    Last night he went out with his co workers and told e that he would be home by 6:30 instead he didnt even contact me until 8 and then he just told me he was home and then had to get stuff ready for the next day and called me back at 9 i only had a few minutes with him in the little time i had with him I asked him to take the survey the book is based on i verbally asked him the questions and he just dosed on an off i ended up having to repeat each question because he was not really paying attention it took about 20 minutes and then he said he was sleepy and wanted to go to bed so there was no conversation at all other than those questions I even tried to ask him how his outing with his coworkers went he discussed it for a moment then continued on to bed. I would like to know what the book really helps with and if I should keep on reading it. I just want to feel loved and secure and i want to be able to give him the trust he requests but i cant do it without being sure he will not sure me.
    The last thing ill write is that even though he is not coming today i can put that aside if he would actually contact me at 4 or 4:30 like he said and spoke to me like an actual meaningful conversation. Unfortunately i know he wont call at that time and probably not till an hour or more later and then go off and do work or something and we wont speak till around 8 and then he will be tiered stressed and really non responsive at all.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Goodness me. Are you wanting a soulmate in a human being or a dog?

    That book I recommended can be thought of for singles as well as married people. It’s about understanding the male brain works and to give women an insight into that. I you give up reading and wanting to understand these things then I don’t really think you are interested in finding a solution.

    Remember that you as well as your boyfriend are people. The way you are laying it out, to me, is your getting pissed when he fails. Fails to call in at the right time, fails to live up to what you think is your ideal boyfriend, fails to do anything. This is so fundamentally the wrong mindset.

    You are keeping him on your own leash. Keep this up and he’s gone – no one deserves that kind of treatment.

    Did you read what you wrote? What I want to fix or change about him is – wow, that is so not the mindset to have. You are never going to get anywhere in thinking you have the right to change a person to be something you think you want.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    I didnt mean for it to come off that way. I am just frustrated he asks so much from me and I dont get a thank you ever. I just wanted us to be able to communicate better this way I could give him the things he is asking for. I did finish the book and actually sat down with him and had a huge conversation were we basically told each other how we each feel when the other acts a certain way or does certain things.Since we had the talk i was able to relate alot of the feelings to the book and I have more of an understanding of were he is coming from and I see that he is right and that he isnt out to hurt me. The only thing I cant seem to control is the feeling that no matter what I do or how many of the things he needs I do that we may never be secure ( and i mean secure in the thought that he wont stop loving me ).
    For example today I controlled myself from asking the same insecure questions but in my head I wanted to make sure everything was okay and that he was really okay. Even though he said he is good and that we are good and that he wants to work on things because it is worth it I still do feel like maybe slight chance that we may not be. I have had horrible relationships in the past with men who were controlling and abusive and I guess with him I just feel like im waiting for him to leave or do something horrible to me. I do believe that is also the reason I feel the need to control things in the relationship which as you stated before “is so not the mindset to have. ”
    Im sorry if i came off way to strong or like im trying to own a dog im not in any sense im just frustrated and wish our communication was better and that I could just see that if he says its okay that he means it.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    If you continue to think that you need to control the relationship – the relationship will eventually be lost.

    So …. you need to really understand that, and understand that past relationships have absolutely no bearing on future relationships. That's what's call a mental block, due to you ‘thinking' the past will repeat in the future. Sometimes it might be similar BUT it will never ever be the same.

    With that in mind, you have no right to suggest anything that is likely to happen with your current boyfriend has anything to do with past relationships. He's a different guy, with a different background, different likes, different tastes. HE IS DIFFERENT!

    Relationships and communication are always ‘Works in Progress', always. My wife and I are still and will always be working on our communication, our understanding of each other and improving our relationship with each other …. this is just life and the evolution of people.

    Your communication will get better, the more you two work on it … there isn't a silver bullet or an instant fix.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    I need some advice on what happened this week.
    This week we reconciled and it was a really good week but then i had a conversation with my mother who likes my boyfriend thinks he is a good person but that its pointless for us to stay together. I have already told you the issues we face in our relationship but most of my anger and worries come from his parents

    His story:
    His family depends on him for everything to pay for the house and groceries and everything. I admire this trait about him the fact that he will do anything for family. But his parents control him and sometimes our plans together. we cant have sleep overs or trips yet because his family thinks it is disrespectful and not right. He will not argue with them over these issues because he doesn't want to hear it from them or have them hate me or something. it has been like this for the three years we have been together. but he also in some form despises them because they are not always nice to him the actually are mentally abusive at times but he respects them because of course regardless of it all they are his family.

    The issue:
    My mom made a cruel joke last night saying that we are going no where no steps have been made and after three years no steps have been made and we still have to cancel plans on and off because either his parents give him a hard time or he feels uncomfortable testing the waters with them. She also said that im being dragged into a horrible situation where his parents will control our whole relationship even in marriage if we even get up to that stage. She said it hurts her to think that we would have wasted each others time, and that it will never change until he learns to stick up for himself and allow himself to have a life of his own.

    My feelings:
    Im hurt that my mom would think something horrible like that. When i told my boyfriend what she said his response was ” I can do what i have to do i can make things go as fast as I am able to we just started to be better, I want to make the moves but i want to be settled and make sure i am secure and completely capable to make the necessary moves. ( we both still live with our parents). My parents wont control us i dont want to lose you over them i can make sure that they are no longer included in anything we do. ”

    I want to know what you think of the situation and how we can make it better

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Regardless of anything, family can be a right royal pain in the ass. And as an adult, family are people.
    It might be a cultural thing for you guys BUT family are also obliged to show respect for other human beings – it seems to be a diminished case when other family members are concerned.

    Sounds to me like both sets of parents need a kick up the ass and told exactly how destructive their own actions have been and will continue to be, on your relationship.

    That said, your boyfriend sounds like he's got a level head, understands the situation and his response was in line with your development. Things are seemingly getting better and he's tracking the situation, with you in mind.

    Keep understanding each other, keep communicating, make allowances, grow and tel your parents to piss off and leave you two to your own lives. It's happiness you're after – not a wedding ring.

  • YVONNE
    Post count: 0

    i wanted to thank you for all of the advice you gave me on my insecurities it actually has helped and i realize i dont want him to propose to me until he is ready, dont want to force him into something.
    I wanted to know if you could share your knowledge on another topic however.
    the cheating insecurities are gone and the engagement stuff has died away especially after him telling me he wanted to do it his way and he felt like if he didnt complete my deadline that I would leave which is not what I want to do at all.
    Right now I\\\'am realizing that he kind of feels like I dont always see the good he does the other day when he was angry he said that he feels we need to gain our friendship back a bit more he still comes to talk to me about everything but because of the fighting over the engament and everything most of our conversations have been about that. recently our conversations have been a bit more pleseant and caring but i want him tobe able to feel like we can talk about anything again. I keep thinking he is upset with me when he is cranky or in a bad mood. I want to get past the feeling \\\”that he is always upset with me or that I may loose his love\\\”. how do I stop the feeling of always messing up and how do I keepthe best friend ship compeltely alive?

    also are there any other relationship books you recomend?
    Thank you again forall your help!

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    i got better at having faith and believing he loves me and is there for me. We have been much better since your advice. We still are not perfect but we are better. I thought my faith and security with him got so much better that I decided to kind of give us a reward i booked a hotel getaway to NYC I made sure to ask him a million times before I actually submitted the payment i did this because his family tends to always and i do mean always ruin our sleep overs and trips and everything. He said nothing would get in the way of this trip and for me to book it. I gave another two weeks before i actually submitted payment during the two weeks he continued to say that nothing would get in the way he even let his parents know way ahead in advance they said they were fine with it (but i always know they are not okay with him sleeping over or going away on a trip ). Now the trip is only a day away i can no longer get the money back or anything else that i put a deposit on back. His parents are now saying that they dont understand why we cant just wait till the summer to go on trips (they did this before two big times were on my birthdays). Needless to say the conversations turn into arguments and it ends up like this “why cant we just wait a week i dont want my parents to hate you or start a war with you lets just wait a bit your so impatient it will happen just wait”
    It has been a year since we have had a sleep over or any alone us time at all we don't have kids we dont have jobs that we go to seven days a week, we don't have anything holding us from the small luxury of just trying to spend some time with each other.

    Today his parents asked him why we cant wait until summer why cant we just stay here and see each other once, and that he has family coming why cant we just do something another time. (they always say there is family coming sometimes they actually come most times they cancel once i cancel my plans). i got upset and i tried not to yell buti just i explain my feelings I feel like we are never going to grow or move forward not just to engagement but to anything because his family doesn't want us too and he doesn't love me enough to push through and make himself happy and not them. isntead of talking through it he just said he had to go and would chat me on facebook. this is what he wrote when he got on to the chat ” i'm sorry for being a jerk maybe we not meant for each other man” since he has not said anything else yet but it just hurts its like hes always talking about never wanting to lose me or hurt me or have me leave him and how true love prevails all and that why he gets mad at me not believing he really loves me because the love he has for me is true . So now i feel like if i get insecure im wrong and a horrible gf but then what is left to do. I dont know what step to make or how to go about it i just feel at 25 years old why is going out with me on a trip such a horrible thing for his parents and why cant he chose me for once and his happiness over their wants when they also are not even nice to him.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    You know, you've done a wonderful job so you should be very proud of yourself in doing the right thing and working towards making a better relationship.

    You've got absolutely nothing to be insecure about. It's your boyfriend who needs a rocket up his ass. What an idiot and an immature one, at that.

    So what's next?

    Your boyfriend needs to wake up, smell the roses and take some affirmative action. Tell him he is being a jerk. His comment about ‘not meant to be together' is a freaking cop-out on his part and displays his lack of comittment as well as his lack of balls in being incapable of starting to live a life.

    Sure, parents can be a guiding hand in some things but when it comes to your own happiness and life, this guy of yours is weak and indecisive and allows himself to be ruled (and ultimately hurt) by his family who are out of touch with what he truly wants and needs in life.

    You've already booked the trip to NYC – if you know anyone else in NYC, I'd suggest you go. Either with him or by yourself. Let your hair down and have fun.

    Tell him all this. If he doesn't want you to go by yourself, let him reimburse you for all monies.

    Again, your boyfriend is acting irresponsibly and is immature.
    You are the mature one who is blossoming and growing in both security and maturity.
    Let me know your thoughts so far.

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    so I told him what i thought and how he needs to mature enough to have his parents stop controling everything and , we just got back from our trip today. Friday after work he went home to pack they gave him a hard time about it but he just left and we spent an awesome weekend together. We didnt argue we didnt even talk about what happened prior to the trip it was great. We have already booked several other trips to my cabin in the poconose mountains so hopefully those trips will go as well as this one.
    I also realized like in that book you recommended that sometimes the guys just have nothing to talk about but being there is just as good. we went through four hours where all he wanted to do was nap and watch tv and the fact that i just stayed and cuddled he told me latter that it meant more to him than anything we could of possibly talked about in those few hours.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Oh my goodness!
    Now that is simply FANTASTIC!!!

    So so wonderful you guys are seeing the light of day and making some great progress in your relationship.

    It's important to remember that the future is just going to be different to the past. Avoid placing expectations on what it should be like or wanting something in the future to be the same because it won't be. Roll with the punches, look for the value and benefit to be had and enjoy each other and TALK openly and honestly.

    Congratulations!

  • insecurity taking over our relationship
    Post count: 0

    so me an my bf were doing good for some time but recently things have taken a toll for the worst. I am having heart surgery tomorrow and he is being a total jerk about everything. The last week i needed his support and time an i didnt get to see him nor did he make any effort to be nicer or just more attentive. but tonight is when the gloves came off tomorrow is the surgery and i have been worried and nervous all day. i didn't get to talk to him until 10 pm tonight and he was more concerned about his video game than asking me about how i felt and i made it a point to tello him how i was feeling and how i needed him to pay attention and just be sweet for the night and he told me that i like to argue and make issues and that he had been doing all he could already and i was asking for too much . He then said that i made him feel like everything he does is wrong and like a worthless bf but i dont i just asked him if he could be herer for me and not play his game and ask how i was feeling. but i dont know what to do at this point. i feel like right now i just needed my bf to be by my side supporting me through this not making me beg for his attention and pleading for him to stay and talk to me and not be mad at me. i just dont know what to do or say at this point i don't think i didn't anything wrong in asking to be able to see him once this week or in asking him to at least talk to me because i leave extremely early tomorrow and wont be able to talk to him until after i recover.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi again Yvonne.

    One thing we all need to remember in a relationship is we have completely different values as well as feelings and communication methods.

    So it might be the way you convey your feelings to him. If he perceives this as him always being on the wrong side, then chances are you need to look for a different approach – one that he better understands and can relate to.

    Have you asked him how he likes to be talked with when it comes to you voicing your opinion? Maybe you do come across as complaining, I wouldn't know but he would.

    Try asking him this “Hey babe, you know I think the way I talk to you is all wrong so I really do want to be better at that. When I've got something weird going on inside my head, how would you like me to tell you about it because your opinion and support means so much to me”.

    If you get the same result all the time, doing the same thing is going to always get you the same outcome. Try something different.

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