insecurity taking over our relationship and its me

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and 2 months. We have had ups and down and this last year was the worst, his parents are extremely conservative while mine are open and liberal that being said its been a challenge for me to get his family to like me completely. last year we took a three month break because of a huge useless fight over time and stress and school. this year i just feel like ‘im tiered stressed and that i’m alone in it. I love him a lot with my whole heart but i feel im being the horrible nightmare girlfriend. He is usually sweet but we do have our fights most of the fights are about the following:

• When will we be engaged (me)
• Why cant you communicate when we can talk or see each other (me)
• why cant you just call me to let me know where you are or when you will be home when you leave work(me )
• do you love me (me)
• why do you love me (me)
• Why cant you make more time for me at night (me)
• why cant you be more patient (him)
• Why cant you understand my job is hard and takes up time(him)
• You don’t give me credit for all the good stuff i do (him)

 

I have not been insecure in the relationship before until recently, i cant help but ask him if hes cheating or if he still loves me and i have no real reason to think of either because we talk every night and he does love me and its just i feel like most guys hurtful to their spouses or girlfriends by doing this and i just dont want to be that person. We fight about this constantly especially they why and if you love me because he usually says “how can you not know that i do why do you always ask its been 3 years cant you see that i love you”

I dont know what to do im tiered of being upset and depressed and worried and i dont want to push him away anymore i just want to be happy.

and so you have some background we dont live together hes a teacher im in my last year of school and i work two days a week. we live about 45 minutes away from each other i dont drive and he shares his car with his mom who usually tries to make sure she uses it often. we talk to each other every night.

I want to know what to do i get really upset when hes out of work and doesn’t text or call me to let me know his plans after it bugs me so much i get anxiety. when i tell him he says okay ill try to do it more he does it better then there are times he forgets like today.
i want to stop feeling like i do today right now stop wondering and be a better girlfriend how do i fix it what should i do and is there any way to fix it other than breaking up (suggested by my mother who thinks that im the cause of everything)

[MartinKeymaster]

Hi. An interesting situation too.

You know, those very same situations that you fight about are the very ones that just about every couple have, at some point in their relationship.

It’s caused by relationship insecurity, a lack of total trust for each other and a lack of acceptance that another person isn’t the same as yourself. Oh and the vast difference in the way men and women think and react to relationship situations.

I just reviewed a great book all around the Inner Minds Of Men which gives women a fascinating insight into the thought processes of guys.

As an example, all guys are in a constant battle of competition in all areas of their lives, that includes work, friends, sport and even leisure. That accounts for long hours at work to maintain a perceived advantage over colleagues and explains why work is so incredibly important to a man.

That said, this is why a guy’s wife or girlfriend REALLY is a guy’s support mechanism – men have no other person we can really trust with our frailties. If that very special bond doesn’t exist in a relationship, that makes things mentally stressful for a man.

And certainly do remember men express love and have a different understanding of what love means, to that of women. That’s a constant source of confusion to many couples UNTIL they both move to a higher level of understanding and acceptance.

So tell me, do you really and truly believe your guy loves you, despite him not telling you every time you’re together? Is your want to be engaged something more of your own affirmation that your relationship is on solid ground?

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

i do really believe he loves me and what you said about engagement i believe in a sense that might be true to but then what does that mean about how i view things?

[MartinKeymaster]

I’m a little unsure of the question really.
You know that he does love you yet you would like him to behave like you want him to. Is that what you’re asking – how do you get him to act the way you want?

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

No the questions im asking is how do i stop the need to want engagement to make the relationship feel more secure because i believe that , that is what it may be.

[MartinKeymaster]

No the questions im asking is how do i stop the need to want engagement to make the relationship feel more secure because i believe that , that is what it may be.

In purely realistic terms, do you think it makes any real difference to a relationship?

I’d suggest not. You still can have fights, you can still breakup and you can still be extremely happy and contented, with or without being engaged or married. That is simply a state of mind and one you need to accept in your own mind.

With that in mind, you now need to make it real so use an exercise that helps you realize that. Write at least 30 reasons on the following two areas:

• Why I’m happy with my man, just the way he is
• Why it makes no real sense in wanting so desperately to be engaged

This exercise gets your mind active to help clear out your mental blocks and starts you being able to better appreciate what you have now.

[YVONNE]

I will do that exercise , i guess for me it just feels a bit like because we have not made those steps yet that hes not as commited to me

[MartinKeymaster]

Rarelt do two people reach the same conclusion at the same time. Same for love – one partner usually ‘falls in love’ with the other first and needs to wait for the other to catch up. That’s OK providing there is understanding as well as acceptance.

I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on the outcome of the exercise and how (and if) your thinking or mindset has changed.

Please do pop back and let us all know.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

So i have tried to stop asking and forcing upon engagement with him but the other insecurities are still there. I find myself asking him if he is really here to stay and if he is never going to hurt me he always answers yes but i just i feel like even though i know he is being honest i just can’t understand why. And im pushing him away i thought about everything you said the whole if i know he loves me and i do know i just i dont really understand why. Today we did get into a fight and we still have not spoken and i dont want to push him away and more. I dont know what to do or how to stop going round and round in circles. I really do care for him i do.

[MartinKeymaster]

Insecurities often manifest themselves from issues you’ve had in the past.
Have you previous relationships where the guy has been less than honest or hurt you in any way (emotional or physical)?

Have a really deep think on this – there’s got to be something in your past that is making you think this way.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

I have had both in the past before I was with my boyfriend . And its just hard to think that he wont do the same or eventually become the same way. We just got out of our argument but he is saying\” that i need to change my insecurities now\” and i feel like i\’m trying. I just there are things about him like his lack of communication and attention sometimes that i want to change but i don\’t throw it in his face like that everyday. I know i have to stop being insecure but i don\’t think he understands that a lot of the time its the little things he does that make me feel that way

[MartinKeymaster]

Now that we’ve got something to work on, we need to work on getting rid of all that unnecessary negative blockages.

One really useful starting point is The Sedona Method which has been proven to work, scientifically.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aCRo872l4k[/video]

Please do have a watch and let me know what questions you have, once you’ve applied the principles.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

I have a few questions.
I will start with the video , I couldn’t get it to work i just kept remembering how i felt over and over and it was like a replaying message that i’m upset and unhappy right now. As much as I wanted to think happy thoughts I couldn’t I am not sure if i did something wrong of not.I am willing to try it again if you have any suggestions on how to proceed.
I read the book the inner minds of men like you previously suggested although i am not finished with it yet but it seems as though this is only based for maried couples me and my boyfriend have not even gotten to that point yet we are not even engaged yet. And so far the author has never one mentioned how to get past the feeling of miss trust or the feeling that he may be cheating or not loving you as much any more. I will continue on to read the book. I know the book is about women understanding how their men feel but it does not really explain how to tell our men that we feel unloved without making them feel like they are an inadequate partner. The book goes on and on in saying that men thrive on the support from their wife/ significant other and i know personally that I may not give enough of it but i find it hard for me to give enough of it when I my self feel unloved unworthy and neglected.
recently my boyfriend has told me that enough is enough and that I have to trust his and loose my insecurities or else this will never work out. It broke me to hear this from him and I am trying very hard to fix them but i feel that as much as I am trying to part of my insecurities are or come from things he does. For example today he promised me he would visit and spend the afternoon he even brought up us going to the gym and going to a restaurant we both like this was in the morning. However he is not coming today at all and he says it is because he has to stay at work later then expected just an hour later to write a test up for his students, he is a high school teacher. when he called he said ” i cant come today because i have to write up a test for the kids but u get to see me on Friday and next week is my spring break so I will make the effort to see you more” but the thing is every promise me makes to me i feel is useless because he rarely keeps them and then when I get upset because on days like today when I planed out the whole day and fixed myself up and ran home from class to make sure i got home on time he just doesn’t see how it bothers me when he doesn’t communicate things with me. I saw other forums where it said to make a list of the things you would like to fix or change about your partner that one feels would better the relationship as a whole. MY boyfriend reminds me lately constantly that the only thing he wants to change are my insecurities and trust issues.
What I want to fix or change about him is:
-the lack of communication on our plans , his feelings, and our relationship.
- when we do get a moment to speak to each other that he would actually listen and pay attention.
- to be more open about his emotions
- for us to try to have more time together
-for him to be able to show me his love not just by saying it.
Last night he went out with his co workers and told e that he would be home by 6:30 instead he didnt even contact me until 8 and then he just told me he was home and then had to get stuff ready for the next day and called me back at 9 i only had a few minutes with him in the little time i had with him I asked him to take the survey the book is based on i verbally asked him the questions and he just dosed on an off i ended up having to repeat each question because he was not really paying attention it took about 20 minutes and then he said he was sleepy and wanted to go to bed so there was no conversation at all other than those questions I even tried to ask him how his outing with his coworkers went he discussed it for a moment then continued on to bed. I would like to know what the book really helps with and if I should keep on reading it. I just want to feel loved and secure and i want to be able to give him the trust he requests but i cant do it without being sure he will not sure me.
The last thing ill write is that even though he is not coming today i can put that aside if he would actually contact me at 4 or 4:30 like he said and spoke to me like an actual meaningful conversation. Unfortunately i know he wont call at that time and probably not till an hour or more later and then go off and do work or something and we wont speak till around 8 and then he will be tiered stressed and really non responsive at all.

[MartinKeymaster]

Goodness me. Are you wanting a soulmate in a human being or a dog?

That book I recommended can be thought of for singles as well as married people. It’s about understanding the male brain works and to give women an insight into that. I you give up reading and wanting to understand these things then I don’t really think you are interested in finding a solution.

Remember that you as well as your boyfriend are people. The way you are laying it out, to me, is your getting pissed when he fails. Fails to call in at the right time, fails to live up to what you think is your ideal boyfriend, fails to do anything. This is so fundamentally the wrong mindset.

You are keeping him on your own leash. Keep this up and he’s gone – no one deserves that kind of treatment.

Did you read what you wrote? What I want to fix or change about him is – wow, that is so not the mindset to have. You are never going to get anywhere in thinking you have the right to change a person to be something you think you want.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

I didnt mean for it to come off that way. I am just frustrated he asks so much from me and I dont get a thank you ever. I just wanted us to be able to communicate better this way I could give him the things he is asking for. I did finish the book and actually sat down with him and had a huge conversation were we basically told each other how we each feel when the other acts a certain way or does certain things.Since we had the talk i was able to relate alot of the feelings to the book and I have more of an understanding of were he is coming from and I see that he is right and that he isnt out to hurt me. The only thing I cant seem to control is the feeling that no matter what I do or how many of the things he needs I do that we may never be secure ( and i mean secure in the thought that he wont stop loving me ).
For example today I controlled myself from asking the same insecure questions but in my head I wanted to make sure everything was okay and that he was really okay. Even though he said he is good and that we are good and that he wants to work on things because it is worth it I still do feel like maybe slight chance that we may not be. I have had horrible relationships in the past with men who were controlling and abusive and I guess with him I just feel like im waiting for him to leave or do something horrible to me. I do believe that is also the reason I feel the need to control things in the relationship which as you stated before “is so not the mindset to have. ”
Im sorry if i came off way to strong or like im trying to own a dog im not in any sense im just frustrated and wish our communication was better and that I could just see that if he says its okay that he means it.

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