insecurity taking over our relationship and its me

[MartinKeymaster]

If you continue to think that you need to control the relationship – the relationship will eventually be lost.

So …. you need to really understand that, and understand that past relationships have absolutely no bearing on future relationships. That’s what’s call a mental block, due to you ‘thinking’ the past will repeat in the future. Sometimes it might be similar BUT it will never ever be the same.

With that in mind, you have no right to suggest anything that is likely to happen with your current boyfriend has anything to do with past relationships. He’s a different guy, with a different background, different likes, different tastes. HE IS DIFFERENT!

Relationships and communication are always ‘Works in Progress’, always. My wife and I are still and will always be working on our communication, our understanding of each other and improving our relationship with each other …. this is just life and the evolution of people.

Your communication will get better, the more you two work on it … there isn’t a silver bullet or an instant fix.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

I need some advice on what happened this week.
This week we reconciled and it was a really good week but then i had a conversation with my mother who likes my boyfriend thinks he is a good person but that its pointless for us to stay together. I have already told you the issues we face in our relationship but most of my anger and worries come from his parents

His story:
His family depends on him for everything to pay for the house and groceries and everything. I admire this trait about him the fact that he will do anything for family. But his parents control him and sometimes our plans together. we cant have sleep overs or trips yet because his family thinks it is disrespectful and not right. He will not argue with them over these issues because he doesn’t want to hear it from them or have them hate me or something. it has been like this for the three years we have been together. but he also in some form despises them because they are not always nice to him the actually are mentally abusive at times but he respects them because of course regardless of it all they are his family.

The issue:
My mom made a cruel joke last night saying that we are going no where no steps have been made and after three years no steps have been made and we still have to cancel plans on and off because either his parents give him a hard time or he feels uncomfortable testing the waters with them. She also said that im being dragged into a horrible situation where his parents will control our whole relationship even in marriage if we even get up to that stage. She said it hurts her to think that we would have wasted each others time, and that it will never change until he learns to stick up for himself and allow himself to have a life of his own.

My feelings:
Im hurt that my mom would think something horrible like that. When i told my boyfriend what she said his response was ” I can do what i have to do i can make things go as fast as I am able to we just started to be better, I want to make the moves but i want to be settled and make sure i am secure and completely capable to make the necessary moves. ( we both still live with our parents). My parents wont control us i dont want to lose you over them i can make sure that they are no longer included in anything we do. ”

I want to know what you think of the situation and how we can make it better

[MartinKeymaster]

Regardless of anything, family can be a right royal pain in the ass. And as an adult, family are people.
It might be a cultural thing for you guys BUT family are also obliged to show respect for other human beings – it seems to be a diminished case when other family members are concerned.

Sounds to me like both sets of parents need a kick up the ass and told exactly how destructive their own actions have been and will continue to be, on your relationship.

That said, your boyfriend sounds like he’s got a level head, understands the situation and his response was in line with your development. Things are seemingly getting better and he’s tracking the situation, with you in mind.

Keep understanding each other, keep communicating, make allowances, grow and tel your parents to piss off and leave you two to your own lives. It’s happiness you’re after – not a wedding ring.

[YVONNE]

i wanted to thank you for all of the advice you gave me on my insecurities it actually has helped and i realize i dont want him to propose to me until he is ready, dont want to force him into something.
I wanted to know if you could share your knowledge on another topic however.
the cheating insecurities are gone and the engagement stuff has died away especially after him telling me he wanted to do it his way and he felt like if he didnt complete my deadline that I would leave which is not what I want to do at all.
Right now I\\\’am realizing that he kind of feels like I dont always see the good he does the other day when he was angry he said that he feels we need to gain our friendship back a bit more he still comes to talk to me about everything but because of the fighting over the engament and everything most of our conversations have been about that. recently our conversations have been a bit more pleseant and caring but i want him tobe able to feel like we can talk about anything again. I keep thinking he is upset with me when he is cranky or in a bad mood. I want to get past the feeling \\\”that he is always upset with me or that I may loose his love\\\”. how do I stop the feeling of always messing up and how do I keepthe best friend ship compeltely alive?

also are there any other relationship books you recomend?
Thank you again forall your help!

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

i got better at having faith and believing he loves me and is there for me. We have been much better since your advice. We still are not perfect but we are better. I thought my faith and security with him got so much better that I decided to kind of give us a reward i booked a hotel getaway to NYC I made sure to ask him a million times before I actually submitted the payment i did this because his family tends to always and i do mean always ruin our sleep overs and trips and everything. He said nothing would get in the way of this trip and for me to book it. I gave another two weeks before i actually submitted payment during the two weeks he continued to say that nothing would get in the way he even let his parents know way ahead in advance they said they were fine with it (but i always know they are not okay with him sleeping over or going away on a trip ). Now the trip is only a day away i can no longer get the money back or anything else that i put a deposit on back. His parents are now saying that they dont understand why we cant just wait till the summer to go on trips (they did this before two big times were on my birthdays). Needless to say the conversations turn into arguments and it ends up like this “why cant we just wait a week i dont want my parents to hate you or start a war with you lets just wait a bit your so impatient it will happen just wait”
It has been a year since we have had a sleep over or any alone us time at all we don’t have kids we dont have jobs that we go to seven days a week, we don’t have anything holding us from the small luxury of just trying to spend some time with each other.

Today his parents asked him why we cant wait until summer why cant we just stay here and see each other once, and that he has family coming why cant we just do something another time. (they always say there is family coming sometimes they actually come most times they cancel once i cancel my plans). i got upset and i tried not to yell buti just i explain my feelings I feel like we are never going to grow or move forward not just to engagement but to anything because his family doesn’t want us too and he doesn’t love me enough to push through and make himself happy and not them. isntead of talking through it he just said he had to go and would chat me on facebook. this is what he wrote when he got on to the chat ” i’m sorry for being a jerk maybe we not meant for each other man” since he has not said anything else yet but it just hurts its like hes always talking about never wanting to lose me or hurt me or have me leave him and how true love prevails all and that why he gets mad at me not believing he really loves me because the love he has for me is true . So now i feel like if i get insecure im wrong and a horrible gf but then what is left to do. I dont know what step to make or how to go about it i just feel at 25 years old why is going out with me on a trip such a horrible thing for his parents and why cant he chose me for once and his happiness over their wants when they also are not even nice to him.

[MartinKeymaster]

You know, you’ve done a wonderful job so you should be very proud of yourself in doing the right thing and working towards making a better relationship.

You’ve got absolutely nothing to be insecure about. It’s your boyfriend who needs a rocket up his ass. What an idiot and an immature one, at that.

So what’s next?

Your boyfriend needs to wake up, smell the roses and take some affirmative action. Tell him he is being a jerk. His comment about ‘not meant to be together’ is a freaking cop-out on his part and displays his lack of comittment as well as his lack of balls in being incapable of starting to live a life.

Sure, parents can be a guiding hand in some things but when it comes to your own happiness and life, this guy of yours is weak and indecisive and allows himself to be ruled (and ultimately hurt) by his family who are out of touch with what he truly wants and needs in life.

You’ve already booked the trip to NYC – if you know anyone else in NYC, I’d suggest you go. Either with him or by yourself. Let your hair down and have fun.

Tell him all this. If he doesn’t want you to go by yourself, let him reimburse you for all monies.

Again, your boyfriend is acting irresponsibly and is immature.
You are the mature one who is blossoming and growing in both security and maturity.
Let me know your thoughts so far.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

so I told him what i thought and how he needs to mature enough to have his parents stop controling everything and , we just got back from our trip today. Friday after work he went home to pack they gave him a hard time about it but he just left and we spent an awesome weekend together. We didnt argue we didnt even talk about what happened prior to the trip it was great. We have already booked several other trips to my cabin in the poconose mountains so hopefully those trips will go as well as this one.
I also realized like in that book you recommended that sometimes the guys just have nothing to talk about but being there is just as good. we went through four hours where all he wanted to do was nap and watch tv and the fact that i just stayed and cuddled he told me latter that it meant more to him than anything we could of possibly talked about in those few hours.

[MartinKeymaster]

Oh my goodness!
Now that is simply FANTASTIC!!!

So so wonderful you guys are seeing the light of day and making some great progress in your relationship.

It’s important to remember that the future is just going to be different to the past. Avoid placing expectations on what it should be like or wanting something in the future to be the same because it won’t be. Roll with the punches, look for the value and benefit to be had and enjoy each other and TALK openly and honestly.

Congratulations!

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

so me an my bf were doing good for some time but recently things have taken a toll for the worst. I am having heart surgery tomorrow and he is being a total jerk about everything. The last week i needed his support and time an i didnt get to see him nor did he make any effort to be nicer or just more attentive. but tonight is when the gloves came off tomorrow is the surgery and i have been worried and nervous all day. i didn’t get to talk to him until 10 pm tonight and he was more concerned about his video game than asking me about how i felt and i made it a point to tello him how i was feeling and how i needed him to pay attention and just be sweet for the night and he told me that i like to argue and make issues and that he had been doing all he could already and i was asking for too much . He then said that i made him feel like everything he does is wrong and like a worthless bf but i dont i just asked him if he could be herer for me and not play his game and ask how i was feeling. but i dont know what to do at this point. i feel like right now i just needed my bf to be by my side supporting me through this not making me beg for his attention and pleading for him to stay and talk to me and not be mad at me. i just dont know what to do or say at this point i don’t think i didn’t anything wrong in asking to be able to see him once this week or in asking him to at least talk to me because i leave extremely early tomorrow and wont be able to talk to him until after i recover.

[MartinKeymaster]

Hi again Yvonne.

One thing we all need to remember in a relationship is we have completely different values as well as feelings and communication methods.

So it might be the way you convey your feelings to him. If he perceives this as him always being on the wrong side, then chances are you need to look for a different approach – one that he better understands and can relate to.

Have you asked him how he likes to be talked with when it comes to you voicing your opinion? Maybe you do come across as complaining, I wouldn’t know but he would.

Try asking him this “Hey babe, you know I think the way I talk to you is all wrong so I really do want to be better at that. When I’ve got something weird going on inside my head, how would you like me to tell you about it because your opinion and support means so much to me”.

If you get the same result all the time, doing the same thing is going to always get you the same outcome. Try something different.

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