Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Is our relationship only struggling or doomed to end?

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  • April
    Post count: 0
    #5290 |

    My boyfriend of 2 years and I get into seemingly large arguements which we handle fairly well every now and then. But this time around it seems like things just keep falling aPart. He\'s facing a depressing part of his life where he basically feels like there is no way out. He\'s constantly feeling less than what he is actually worth from people around him – even his own mother. No matter why life seems to want tI break him. As his girlfriend I try to be there for him as best that I can. I pretty much handle everything for him and whenever someone tries to harass him I always defend him readily. However now it seems like he can\'t even pick himself up anymore. Everyday I handle all the work he does and I love him and shower him with affection and I just become that one place that keeps him safe. But now that he is so depressed he keeps rejecting my help and even hurts me I\'m the process (not physically but verbally). It\'s come to the point to where he pushed me away so much that we argued about breaking up. What do I do?

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi April and welcome.

    There's always a way out.

    You do sound you're doing the right things in supporting your boyfriend too. It's important to also realize that men really do need the support and confidence from their woman. She is the only safe haven he has from the competitive world which includes everyone, other than you.

    Can you give me some insight in the things that have caused this depressing life cycle? What's happened? Why his own mother beating on him?

    Further, does he really know you are there for him and his safety? You might think he does but does he?

  • April
    Post count: 0

    He's been feeling as though his life is collapsing all around him. He is nervous with it being the time to apply for college. Even with me encouraging him and doing more than half the work for him he still gets pressured with his priorities. He compares himself to me and says he's nervous because he knows I will get into the colleges we have applied to together and he doesn't think that he will. I tried to explain that we applied to safety schools together also but he doesn't want to settle for that. He thinks he's stuck because he postponed doing the SAT or ACT too much and regrets not doing it when I reminded him to. He sorta feels like he's slipping because he procrastinated so much but I think he is really nervous about college in a way. His mom was also really getting on him for procrastinating and pressuring her into helping him when it's all last minute. She isn't very supportive of him going to college much and is much too frugal with money to pay for his SAT and ACT. His sister just goes along with what his mom says and even agreed with her when she called him a racist slur impulsively, even if it was an accident a mother should never do that to her child no matter what. Along with all this his guidance counselor always looks at him in a disappointed manner that makes him uncomfortable. Pretty much the whole world is just seemingly against him and I'm his only beacon of encouragement that still helps him through everything. It's a lot of pressure on him and I'm always there for him I just hate the way he reacts to me when I try to be there for him. He gets so hostile and won't let me near no matter how hard I try for him. He ends up saying hurtful things too. He knows I'm there for him but I think when he's really down he just doesn't want me seeing him that way. But when it's all over he thanks me for being there for him. I just dont know what to do anymore. It feels like he's pushing me out of his life

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Personally, he needs to seriously take stock of his life and list all the things he values in life – you'll be one of those things. Have you thought about sitting down with him, in a quiet moment and doing that sort of exercise together?

    He'll see that you value him and make that very real in his life.

    As far as other negative issues in his life such as family … I'd look at those in such a way as whatever is dragging him down at the moment then jettison them until a latter date until he's able to cope better. As an example and this sounds a little harsh, get rid of his family for the moment and concentrate in achieving his college goals as a first step.

    You guys need to start taking some baby steps in getting to a destination. Bypass negative distractions and keep on the main road until a few things can get sorted.

    You're both young with lots of life still to live.

  • April
    Post count: 0

    Thank you so much for the advice,

    I think things have already dramatically gotten worse…. We\'ve just broken up. He told me I haven\'t helped him at all with any of his problems and if anything I\'ve been a burden to him. He told me that I don\'t make him feel like a king and that I can\'t handle him. It became an arguement to where I outright told him how hurtful he is and that I do so much for him already and thy he is being unappreciative. It ended up with him telling me to leave him and I myself (again) saying he\'s being hurtful and he\'s using his problems currently as an excuse. Then after having no contact for a while he texts me and says I don\'t care about him enough to chase after him. Things always go to where I have to chase him and beg him to stay with me while he gets upset and yells at me until things calm down and eventually go back to normal. How do I deal with this never ending cycle?

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    To be honest, with that additional information on he reacts, he sounds like an immature dick, pardon the french.

    Sounds like a great time for you to actually take a time out from the situation and from him. Reflect on whether you really do want this sort of guilt trip dumped on you every time a little hiccup in life comes along. People handle stress and low points differently.

    Remember that you are certainly NOT responsible for his life, though as a partner (maybe not now though) you can help.

    Is this guy the one you can see being with you forever or are you just treading water with someone who will always treat you like crap and look at life as a negative? It really does sound like the latter – meaning you should look at finding someone worthy of having you in their life.

    Take a serious break from the guy, as a first step.

  • Josh
    Post count: 0

    ok so i am over seas and my girl friend found out that i cheated on her when we first got together, for who i don't know but i don't know if i truly want to save the relationship or not. we have been together for 2 years and i have always had a problem about her age, she is 6 years young then me and well just she acts it sometimes.
    i feel i am holding her back from doing what she wants. i don't know i am all mixed up and over seas is not the place to be that way so please any advice would be nice.

    thanks

    another guy

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hi Josh,

    2 years together and you still don't know whether there's anything special going on?
    Ask yourself why exactly are YOU with her – are you simply using her until something better comes along or is there a connection. That's what you have to get to – whyat's the ‘why'.

    Age is irrelevant – more so, your ability to communicate and get things sorted. So that's probably more a maturity thing than an age thing.

    Incidentally, how old are you guys and what's some background on you both?

  • Josh
    Post count: 0

    i am 28, she is 23 and and i was deployed and divorced before she was out of high school
    she wants kids but i don\'t, she is at a place in her life where she needs to make a choice go back to school or
    stay at her dead end job i am in the military and have already been at the cross road she is at.
    i do love her but like i said i am fine where i am and i don\'t want to hold her back from her dreams.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Sounds more like you're at some crossroads than she is.

    She's evolving and still young. And given women are 3-5 years more mature than guys, she isn't that much younger than you, as far as maturity levels go. So age isn't really the issue.

    You love her. She has dreams but I guess you don't since you're happy living your life in the military – is that a dead end job too or something else?

    Do you two have any mutual dreams and aspirations or are you putting this all on her so you can cut loose and disappear?

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