keep the best friend ship completely alive

[YVONNE]

New Topic Created – new question from insecurity taking over our relationship and its me

i wanted to thank you for all of the advice you gave me on my insecurities it actually has helped and i realize i dont want him to propose to me until he is ready, dont want to force him into something.

I wanted to know if you could share your knowledge on another topic however.

the cheating insecurities are gone and the engagement stuff has died away especially after him telling me he wanted to do it his way and he felt like if he didnt complete my deadline that I would leave which is not what I want to do at all.

Right now I’am realizing that he kind of feels like I dont always see the good he does the other day when he was angry he said that he feels we need to gain our friendship back a bit more he still comes to talk to me about everything but because of the fighting over the engagement and everything most of our conversations have been about that. recently our conversations have been a bit more pleseant and caring but i want him to be able to feel like we can talk about anything again. I keep thinking he is upset with me when he is cranky or in a bad mood. I want to get past the feeling “that he is always upset with me or that I may loose his love”.

how do I stop the feeling of always messing up and how do I keep the best friend ship completely alive?

also are there any other relationship books you recommend?
Thank you again for all your help!

[MartinKeymaster]

Great news that some past challenges are getting resolved. Life is a big learning experience.

You need to recognise that at this moment, you are a perfect human being. You aren’t messing up. You’re simply discovering and experiencing new parts of your life and learning to better understand your reactions.

It does sound like you’re still dwelling on your past relationships which didn’t go too well. Those need to be removed from your current thoughts with this new guy as they tend to muddy the waters – by comparing to history.

When you think he’s upset, both of you calmly sit down and try this technique:

LISTENING WITH LOVE

HOLD HANDS: Begin by holding hands.

LISTEN WITH COMPASSION: Your partner takes a few minutes to explain what is upsetting him or her while you listen quietly. As you lis- ten, smile and let your heart soften and fill with compassion. Try to send loving energy to your partner.

REPEAT WHAT YOU HEARD: When your partner is done, you then repeat what you heard. Obviously, you do not need to repeat every word, just the main points. If you did not hear it all, repeat what you heard and invite your partner to tell you again whatever you have missed.

EXPRESS YOUR OWN FEELINGS: Then it is your turn to express what is upsetting you. Avoid engaging in an argument or attacking your partner. Simply describe what has been hurtful. It is important to express your hurt without getting defensive and without attacking. Talk about how you feel rather than what your partner has done. The more vulnerable you can be with each other, the more your hearts will open and the more compassionate you will be.

[Dove]

Wow!
That’s such an incredibly powerful piece of advice ‘Listening With Love’. I love it!
I’ve had my own fair share of terrible arguments with my boyfriend/s, in the past. I’ve always ended up blaming them for not listening to me when I think I’m equally to blame too. How crappy is that? LOL

Thank you. I’m going to make a very mindful and conscious decision to be very much more compassionate myself. I can’t believe I’ve been such a bitch to my guys.

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

how do i get rid of the insecurity ?

[MartinKeymaster]

Umm, didn’t we already cover insecurity in the other forum question?

What are you insecure on on the moment that’s now causing issues for your relationship?

[insecurity taking over our relationship]

well we are working on the technique u gave us when one or the other is upset. But i know i still have issues with believing that i deserve someone who actually cares due to past relationships. He is great and kind and everything i would be looking for but i still feel like i am not good enough. I am currently still going through school picking grad schools and everything i feel like i’m not sure which school to pick and what I want to do . When he was going through grad school i stuck by his side even though it was very hard since we were not even able to see each other as much and he was always stressed but i tried to be as supportive as i could, we got through it and recently he has mentioned to me that my support ment the world to him because his family was never supportive. I have been nervous and scared that he wont stick around for my graduate years. We both want to live together and make more steps but im afraid that i may set him back from doing everything he would want to do because im still in school he says that my education is important to our progress and everything but im still trying to nudge the feeling of never being good enough for him and that he may just leave one day because im still trying to set my career. Are there any books that you know of that would also discuss this issue ?

[MartinKeymaster]

You know Yvonne, there are people that go to all these courses and read all these self help books, thinking its going to make their life magical when in reality, they’re using them as an avoidance tactic to face up to the truth and to take decisive action (on themselves).

You’ve got a good man there who is constantly reinforcing his belief in you and planning for your future. Don’t you think that is enough conviction on his part to put away your fears that you aren’t good enough – he certainly thinks you are!

Life is just a game anyway. It is short. It is always full of uncertainties and nothing is ever final.

Play the game with the wonderful cards you’re dealt with and always strive to be best player that YOU can be – the rest is just chance. You are good enough!

[Author]

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