Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Moving on….

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  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7
    #2359 |

    I have a very unique relationship with my ex. I still love him very much, but we are no longer together. He has since gotten into another relationship with another woman. We are still very close. We would probably still be together if i had not gotten pregnant and lost the babies twice. I became very difficult to be around for a while after the second one back in may of this year. We are still very close, and while i may have feelings for him i do not intend on doing anything to mess up his current situation because i don't want him to resent me.

    I don't know what to do. His GF does not know anything about our past relationship, yet she still dislikes me. I have only met her on two different occasions when our mutual friends were all getting together. She seemed friendly enough then. But as time has gone by my ex has told me that they fight pretty frequently about me.

    He and I have some unique circumstances that force us to keep in touch. I know the solution of moving on is what's right, but right now that is literally impossible to do.

    He is my best friend, and one could argue that when he and are together, he is having an emotional affair, but nothing happens sexually. We have to travel together from time to time and we often share a bed, cuddle or trade a massage when we are on the road. No kissing, no sex of any kind. Just friends with a past helping each other though a complicated situation. His GF doesn't know about that stuff and i think it's for the best. Because even though we aren't sexual or physically intimate in anyway, it would probably upset her because she is the jealous type. I have no ill intentions toward his relationship. I would never want to hurt him, or ruin something that he cares about.

    I have gone above and beyond to maintain appropriate boundaries with him on a day to day basis. I don't call or text unless i have to. I never drop in. I don's post on his Face Book… nothing. And this girl still has a problem with me. What can i do. I have tried apologizing to her, for nothign essentially. Telling her that i respect her relationship with him. But she fights with him over me often, which bothers me a great deal….

    Any words of wisdom are welcome….

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Hey thanks for posting what must be a challenging situation for you both.

    You know yourself the best option is to move on, as you said yourself. You'll find that you simply won't be able to do this since you still have a very strong bond with your ex – the classic Catch-22 situation, isn't it?

    Sharing a bed, cuddles and massaging are all emotionally intimate experiences too. That just further in cementing the bond with him. And I'd expect this would also be driving a wedge into his current relationship – loving and sharing intimate situations with another person will definitely affect his behaviour at home with his current lady.

    Could I suggest you focus on what you need to do to move completely away from any and all intimate relations with him? Only then will he be able to honestly face his current relationship in a clear light and make decisions on what he needs to do, without the confusion of you being in that particular equation?

    It will allow you to also be clear on your own relationship future. Please do let me know if that makes sense as well as come back with any other factors we've yet to talk about.

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    I would have said exactly to anybody else, what you have said to me. I am still processing two miscarriages. I lean on him for that support. I was in my 2nd trimester for the second one, and it still hurts very much to think about.

    In addition, we are legally tied to each other for the next year. We have to travel together from California to Washington semi-frequently to attend court. This will all hopefully be over soon, but we have another trip coming up next month.

    We are stuck in the situation together. So i can't fully move on. Nor do I totally want to. I have put as much time and space between us as i can and my feelings for him do not waver. We went through a lot together, and he still has feelings for me as well. But he cares very much about his GF, so for now i am happy being his friend.

    They fight over me somewhat frequently because i think she senses our connection. But i have not done anything, as far as she knows, to warrant those arguments and neither has he. While the cuddling etc may be inappropriate, she doesn't know it's happening, and neither of us intend on crossing the line into physical intimacy.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    OK, so you don't want to move on. If you did, there are options is finding alternatives to finding a reconciliation to your miscarriages, alternatives in traveling to the same place without any physical contact and realign your thoughts so you don't constantly thing that you're ‘stuck in any situation'.

    You're still very much emotionally attached to him as he is you. He's caught in the middle of a situation where his feelings are being pulled in two directions. I'm guessing the cuddling isn't just a one-off experience either – check out a recent post When Is It Cheating which you might find interesting. Just because there's a lack of sexual activity doesn't mean you're not in a adulterous relationship.

    So, it will now be a matter of your ex having to eventually make a decision and a choice on either you and his current girlfriend. It's really that simple.

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    I suppose you are right. I would admit that i want them to break up, but i do not want to be the reason they break up, if that makes sense.

    So how do I maintain a friendship with him, if it causes problems with his current GF… or is that even possible. He defends me and puts his foot down but that just causes more problems for them. I will check out the link you posted.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    I get what you're saying, yeah. Truth is, you want them to split, you want him to yourself and, with that in mind, do you honestly think you'd be able to be just friends? My answer is No.

    With with honesty in your mind, can I suggest you talk to him and express your honest feelings and what you're thinking and why. You'll unlikely be able to just be his friend since you want more, you really do. He obviously sees the same thing or he wouldn't allow the cuddling, massaging etc to happen in the first place.

    He needs to make a choice for the better future of all three of you. It might take time to get there but you guys need to be planning on sorting out the future of all three. If he decides to split with the current GF, fine. If he wants to remain with his current GF, that's got to be fine too. At least you know you need to move onto something else then and a better life.

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    Well i agree with you. I do want him back. But not because i broke them up. I want him to leave her, go through it, and then come back to me. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. that's the tough part. She doesn't want me to be his friend. He fights that, and i am happy about that.

    I do want more with him but i am ok with just being friends as well. WE had finally gotten to a place where we had a healthy friendship and didn't argue anymore. And then they got together and i am a problem now.

    So do i have to sacrifice a friendship with him to move on. Can i not settle for being friends with him, date other people and cut out the emotional affair? Is it even possible without cutting ties altogether, to really end that emotional affair?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    There's always options and sometimes those also bring tough and challenging decisions.

    So I'd suggest it would start like this:

    • Absolutely no physical contact and that includes cuddles, massages etc
    • You want friendship and conversation only
    • Make sure you let him know you're going to start dating again
      • Start to date. Don't let this falter or you'll likely just want to be with him and fall back into old habits

    Some of these things might then crystallise the situation in his mind and allow him to reach a proper conclusion on whether he wants to be just friends with you or something more.

    Are you committed enough to do this with a clear head?

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    I want him to always be my friend…
    But a clear head is difficult to accomplish with all that i carry with me on a daily basis. I have many times compared my relationship with him to a drug addiction. And i would be lying if i said i didn't like the cuddling and that he keeps it from his GF on some sick level. It shows me that he still cares, and wants to be close to me. Especially with the absence of sex, it means that much more. I know it needs to stop. But my feelings for him do not change. I have dated other people since him. But i have not been intimate with anyone, nor have i really let anybody have the chance to get into my heart, because i am still hung up on him. I would never ask him to choose between us, because i believe that the person who does that is not the one who gets chosen. I can absolutely try. But i love him. And i know it may not be the case, but i feel like i always will.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    So tell me, what is it that you intend to do next, given the suggestions and chatter we've had?

    My sense tells me you crave to only be with him since you've thus far been unwilling to let go of him and consider someone else. So that's a decision for you to make.

    You also need to take his situation into consideration too. He's with someone else currently. What do you expect him to do? At some point, you need to come clean and explain both your feelings as well as what you're thinking i.e. that you still love him deeply. You can't hide this.

    You both need to move forward, whether that's together or separately. It does need to come to a head.

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    I think it just has to be me letting go of him completely for now. I do not like it. It kills me. But that's the only way to eventually be ok, I guess.

    We won't be traveling together until December 10th, at which time we will be together non-stop for 3 days and nights. That will be the challenge.

    I will continue to not communicate with him unless I have to. And I will try to keep an appropriate distance from him while we are together.

    Not happy with this conclusion, but I know it is best. Hopefully I will be able to get through these difficult times, and move on from my most recent miscarriage without his love and support. Although I will always have his love in one way or another. I don't doubt that at all.

    I really think that his current relationship is doomed whether i am in the picture or not. So if he needs me when that time comes I will be here for him. But i am not willing to play a role in their inevitable break-up, any more that i suppose i already have.

  • Profile photo of BethBeth
    Participant
    Post count: 2

    Oh my, I've been here myself. My head was filled with mixed feelings and doubts. It turned out I was holding onto the past and not facing up to what my future really should be moving towards.

    It was subtle and we both just fell into a perceived routine. The guy I was with at the time was being supported by two ladies so he was happy. I thought my life was being fulfilled but it was a false sense of security. I was just going around in circles.

    You need to remove yourself from this situation and find someone who can be yours and yours alone.

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    I'd love to know how things are progressing.

    This situation is certainly a confusing one for anyone and your progression might well help others facing similar circumstances.

  • Profile photo of notmyname_booyahnotmyname_booyah
    Participant
    Post count: 7

    Life has been very difficult. I have tried to really focus on the things I do have control over. Those things have included, looking for a better job (before he and i got arrested i was a social worker for the county i live in, but i lost my job as a result of the arrest), keeping an appropriate distance from the ex, using my time productively and making sure I continue to eat healthily and exercise every day.
    Not having him as a regular part of my life continues to be a struggle. But i am adjusting. With as much loss as I have experienced in the last year (two babies, my ex, my job, my sister, and a close friend) it is difficult not to feel lonely at times. Especially being 28, while many of my friends are getting married and having children. But time does make it easier. I have not started dating. In fact, I have turned down a few men since the last time i dated.
    There are a few reasons why. I couldn't see myself really moving on from my ex with any of those men. In addition to that, I feel i have little to bring to the table in a relationship right now with my life being the mess that it is. Lastly, I think this is the time i need to take for myself. I don't think that getting wrapped up in another man right now is the right thing for me. I am trying to focus on my, and my own personal growth.
    Communication with my ex has been limited. His GF has been reading his text messages and fighting with him over his relationship with me and then gets into more trouble with her for always defending me to her and I do not want that. So I keep our talking/texting to a minimum.
    With all that said, my feelings have not faded. 5 minutes does not go my without me thinking about him. Every morning i wake up a experience the losses over again. It has gotten much easier to snap myself out of that train of thought though. I ask myself, “What am I going to do today to be productive, healthy and happy.” Usually the answers are work, yoga, and a hike int he redwoods.
    I guess that's it for now. Thoughts?

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