More long distance relationship confusion

[Sara]

Hi I was really glad I clicked on this because emotionally I am going through the same thing although my fiance is not at all being heartless or negative.

But it caught my eye because my relationship is also a long distance one between two countries. I think I am more confusing my fiance than anything. But I do the same thing. I over think situations or texts and even think to much about what he was thinking or doing. It’s very hard being apart.

And I certainly do not want him to feel like I want him to change the way he does things but I know he feels that way. I’m confusing because I will one day for example. I visited him for over 2 months in England then I came back here and within a week he changed his facebook pic back to just a pic of him instead of us. and he puts songs up about breaking up and partying and being a player.

You should know that he finds facebook silly and just a website.

He puts all kinds of silly obnoxious sayings or quotes that dont make any sense up there. He has always been this way since ive known him. he doesn’t put personal feelings or life things up there. But when we first started dating he was putting lots up about me and of course that excitement started to fade i guess so he’s just back to his usual self on it.

And i do agree with him. Its a website and you cant always know who someone is through a website but I do personally tend to put more life stuff about me up there. And it does make me feel like now that he loves me in private and not in public. anyway, I said to him that i dont like the lyrics to a song. to which he responded, “it’s a song, on a website.” but the thing is, is i feel like i am alot of times saying things to him that i dont need to be. Just asking why he did something.

And one day I can be totally upset about something and I realize I speak to soon and once I think about it I feel like it’s not a big deal and I need to like you said, take a chill pill. Well now I feel like I’ve said to much to him and I’m just confusing him. And he very much gets my tongue tied. Because he follows what I’m doing very well.

He listens and doesn’t agree but he’s telling me one day i feel this and then the next I don’t and so he doesn’t know how to act. He feels like if I’m having another bad day then he will just do something to make me upset. I don’t want him to feel this way. Nor do I want to change him into something he isn’t.

So my question is will just taking a chill pill be good enough and give it time?
Or is there a better way I can explain to him that I’m sorry and I know I’m confusing to him and myself.

I think just the fact that we live in two countries is hard enough. We want to be in each others lives but that’s just really impossible. I get all that. We aren’t physically there and can’t be.

I just really need to calm down but I don’t want him to lose faith in me. He also says that I always say that I will try to be more positive and then I fall again. He says he feels like I am about to have a major break down but he says we will be just fine and we will get through this.

So how can I make myself stay on a healthier mindset? I really love him and don’t want to push him away.

[MartinKeymaster]

Hi Sara – thanks for visiting.
I needed to move your reply to a new topic since it would be confusing for others following the conversation you had replied in. Hope that’s cool.

Ahh, those differences between men and women being compounded by the lack of touch and presence with one another. I know that feeling oh too well, Sara.

And funnily enough, it sounds like the same issues that Pam and I went through so you’re certainly not alone in your situation being unique.

Many women think and read things into situations that aren’t really there. Your guy ‘sounds’ like a pragmatic one. Here’s some really good initial advice:

[1] Tell him what you’ve told us i.e. how you think and dwell on incidental statements and ponder on the permutations. What your differences seem to be in various things and why. It’s important you both have a solid and transparent understanding of each others’ values and actions.

I certainly went through this same process with Pam who was living in Cape Town, when we met. Quite a challenging time. We talked for hours every day and eventually gained huge insights in each others’ behaviour.

[2] That chill pill needs to be taken daily :) Certainly do get involved in your own interests, to take your mind off things. Exercise is good for that and you’ll get your endorphins pumping as well.

[3] Have you done a list and imagined what your future life looks like? Share this and modify, with your guys’ input. You’ll both gain insights on the other.

There’s other stuff but how are we tracking with these initial thoughts? Making some sense? Have anything further to add or ask?

[Author]

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