Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Should I tell him?

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  • Profile photo of blackfairyblackfairy
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    Post count: 1
    #2366 |

    After dating what seemed like my hundredth bad apple, a friend of mine who I've always crushed on (guy#1) decided to visit (he lives a 10hr drive away) and we ended up sleeping together. I was slated to move overseas for 6mos-yr that following month, and it seemed fun. I realized very soon after that I was falling for him and went to visit him, where we had a wonderful weekend together, hanging with our mutual friends and acting like a couple. I then sadly moved to across the other side of the world. We tried to Skype every week, but long-distance is hard- and he being a typical un-expressive guy, it was hard to connect emotionally. After 1 1/2 months, he told me he was dating (fair enough, I told him we should both date, of course I foolishly hoped he wouldn't). A few months later his mother passed away, and at that point I was miserable in my new country, visa running out, and missing him terribly. I decided to fly the 18hr plane back to take care of my visa, see my family and attend his mother's funeral.
    I had no expectations, and did not expect any special treatment at all given the circumstance.But I was shocked to see how close he was to his ex-girlfriend. She seemed like the obsessive type, and clearly not over him. I was annoyed and will confess, a bit threatened by her. She went with him to his mother's service which i understood considering the lenght of time they dated- and later to his home, while I was stuck with our mutual friends thinking of him. That weekend he cleared a day for me and I spent the night. Nothing happened. He was sick with food poisoning. I did attempt to dig at what was going on with the ex and flirt a bit. But didn't want to push during such a traumatic time.
    I decided to return abroad with a new slate and to forget about him. The situation was impossible- he was incredibly cryptic about his feelings, and I wanted to be practical. I also thought after losing someone so important in your life, best to leave things be. I began to date and actively search for a new partner. I found one, who I dated for 4 months but always felt something was missing. When we made love, I saw guy#1's face. I thought of the the guy#1 every day and I couldn't shake my feelings for him.
    I tried to push this all away like it was some sort of silly fantasy- so I could move on with the new guy, but the truth is. The new guy just wasn't cutting it- I was still in love with the other one.
    Fast forward, I am back from my year abroad- after I had lost touch with guy#1 for a few months.
    Guy#1 did email once or twice- and I emailed back very broad and unemotional emails in respect for my new hubby. I've since ended that relationship with the abroad guy, and reconnected with guy#1, who is now in a relationship with a new girl.
    We talked for the first time last week- after 6 mos of not speaking- and it was like the flames were ignited. I was trying my best to assume he just wanted to talk- but I couldn't help sense a longing undertone. At one point he sighed, looked at me and said my name. I repeated his as well. And that sort of said it all.
    We agreed we should skype again- and not let such a long time go by.

    But, he did tell both my best friends he is getting pretty serious with this other girl. And from what I see on facebook she's crazy about him.

    If I was her, I wouldn't be happy with him skyping with a previous fling. Even if they were just friends.

    I also want to respect what they have. If it's truly love btwn them, I don't want to be the hussy spoiling it all.

    I'm tempted to just tell him one of these days how I feel, and ask him if he feels the same. If he doesn't, I face the ultimate rejection which I'm terrified by, considering all I have is my dignity. I'm also not sure if I even deserve an answer- considering I haven't given him any signs that I've felt this way at all.

    I'm also so confused by his actions. Why reconnect with me after all this time and want to skype? Wouldn't an email suffice? He is being shady I feel, but he really is the nicest guy ever and someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. Also our friends love him.

    What is the smart thing to do?

  • Profile photo of MartinMartin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Wow, that's some story and thanks for sharing.

    Be careful that you aren't being ‘played' here though. There are some guys that want it all i.e. more than one woman they can turn to when one woman ‘goes cold'. He sounds a little that way from what you describe but I be mistaken.

    The real point of all this is that neither of you have been clear on your emotional state and how you feel. That very situation is only going to confuse and muddy the relationship, if there actually is one.

    At the end of the day, you need to be clear of where you stand, what you feel and how you'd like things to move AND you need to understand the same things from him. If he is still elusive, take heed.

    Get clear so you have some foundational information to make a judgement of what and where you go next. Anything less is will keep you where you are now – confused.

    Make sense?

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