To stay or not to stay…

[Thoroughly Confused]

Hello there. I\’ve read a lot of different advice columns that involve my own situation, but haven\’t really been able to find the advice that actually hit the nail on the head. I\’ve read your other posts and found them refreshingly honest, so decided to actually put my own situation out there in hopes you can shed some light on what I should really do. So here we go…

My ex and I met over a year ago through a mutual friend. When we first met, we sat and talked for over an hour about everything and seemed to really have a connection. At the time he had just gotten into a relationship with another woman and so I respectfully distanced myself from him. After about a month they broke up and from what I heard from him, she really betrayed his trust after he put himself out there from being out of the dating scene for almost 2 years. After another two months or so, I started to ask about him through our friend and eventually we met out again and things clicked. After a few months of dating (he told me that I was the only one he was seeing), he was still hesitant to get into a relationship. This was a bit discouraging and so once I got the picture that he didn\’t want to get into a serious relationship, I started seeing other people. Once this happened though, he seemed to jump at the opportunity to get into a relationship with me and we began an \”official\” relationship. Once that happened, he changed. He didn\’t really make time for me, never brought me around his parents or family (who all live literally down the street) and didn\’t want to do anything besides sit inside his house and watch TV for our nights together, every single time. This was obviously discouraging and a few disagreements stemmed from this. Finally I told him he wasn\’t treating me the way I deserved to be treated and he actually agreed with me and said that he knew he had his priorities all messed up and that I did deserve someone who could treat me the right way. To say the least this was a bit out of left field, me thinking that he would actually try to straighten up instead of just giving up.

Not even a day after we broke up, he started to text me every night. It\’s been almost two months now and he texts me every day, invites me over now so he can cook for me, invents great date nights and is just a totally different person than he was before, the guy that I originally met and knew. I heard from his brother that he thinks he\’s not good enough for me, but just wants me to be happy. I\’m happy with him. I\’m happy with the time we\’ve spent together these past two months, but if I bring up being in a relationship, he shies away. He works into our conversations that I\’m the only one he\’s with and asks every once in a while if I\’m seeing anyone else.

I\’m not sure what to do. I really do care about him and want to be with him, but it saddens me to think that he doesnt think he\’s good enough for me and won\’t commit becauase of it, no matter what I say to him. I know he\’s not seeing anyone else, we are just both very honest, blunt people who built our friendship/relationship about telling eachother the truth. I feel like we are practically still in a monogomous relationship, just without the official title. Do I just have blinders on and grasping on to wishes and hopes and just stop communicating with him and move on or should I put in the time to show him that he means that much to me?

Sorry for the book and look forward to your response!

[MartinKeymaster]

Thanks for the book – most challenges worth talking about will end up this way so all cool.

You know two of the highest blockages people tend to have are self-image challenges and self-sabotage. Sounds like this guy probably has or had both.

Can I make a suggestion on how I’d initially approach this?

Give this relationship another chance, being mindful of what it is you want out of it i.e. No frigging sitting at home, become a real part of his life so meet his family and friend (as well as him meeting yours) AND having all this new stuff. If he’s really changed, the changes need to be a part of who he now is and not just stuff being invented to win you back.

If you get agreement on this and it does become a reality, you both need to work on the self-image/sabotage stuff.

Everyone in this world of ours is worthy of true happiness with someone their share love with including this guy. Smash that into his head. You are worthy of him and he’s worthy of you, no buts or maybes.

Mind you if his efforts in winning you back result in the same rubbish as before, it’s not real for you and you’ll need to probably dump the relationship and find one that is going to make you happy, in the long term.

Does that make sense to you?
Let me know if I need to elaborate on anything too.

[Thoroughly Confused]

Yes, it makes perfect sense. Thank you for such a quick response!

I completely agree that we shouldn’t fall back into hold, bad habits and from this consisent side of him (past two months) he’s been the guy that I knew he could be. But I suppose my biggest fear is of being “that girl” who hangs around. I’ve expressed this to him as well. I care deeply about him and want to make things work, I think me sticking around after all the hardships shows that, but how do I get across to him that I can’t be just hanging around forever until he decides he wants me back? He tells me that I’m not ‘that girl’ because he’s returning my feelings, he wants me around. I realize that it may be a self-sabatoge/image issue with him, but how can I change his perception of what we have if I keep up what we’ve been doing?

[MartinKeymaster]

Of course you sticking around shows.
The next move is entirely his and will be revealed by his actions. You’ll soon know and wil need to act on them. If he continues being his old self, your decision will be simple … Leave and know it wasn’t meant to be.

Of course, make it clear at the outset to him. It’s going to be up to him.

[Thoroughly Confused]

Thank you very much :) It’s a hard path, but I guess if it wasn’t hard, it wouldn’t be worth it! Thank you again!

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