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  • Sophanon
    Post count: 0
    #4683 |

    I feel like I need advice from an unbiased party, so here goes.

    I have been in a relationship with an awesome guy who is everything I could ever ask for. He is there for me, he supports me, he does things with me that I've always wanted to do. We've been together four years and we're getting married soon. There is no passion in our relationship. We are like best friends. I don't think I'm getting cold feet because I've been feeling this way for a long time. I have previously tried to break up with him, and he guilts me into staying. The problem is that I love him, and he's everything I've ever wanted. I don't know if there is a way to rekindle the spark (if it was ever there?) or if I want to. I find every little thing he does annoys me. I'm distant and he doesn't notice. I feel like I'm in too deep to get out, however I would much rather end this now than get divorced later. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm so lost. I keep telling myself it will get better, and I keep coming back to this point. I've told him about this many times and it gets us nowhere. I don't feel like he's trying, but I don't really know what he can do. Everyone tells me to leave him and make myself happy, however I feel I will regret it if I leave him.

    If you can make any sense of that, I would appreciate some advice :)

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Thanks for visiting as well as sharing your challenge.

    Marriage shouldn't be viewed as the natural thing to do, after you've been together for a period time. Actually, it's the very opposite. Living together should be viewed as the trial period to determine whether you do want to spend your life with a person you desire, you want to be with and can be your best friend as well as your lover.

    Just because he might be all you've wanted doesn't mean you want to be with him. Sounds like you don't.

    And if he's guilting you into staying, is that the type of man you feel can be an honest and loving husband?

    My question to you is: Does your trial period together tell you without reservation that this is the real deal you want to be with? I'm guessing your answer is likely to be ‘No'. End it and find the real guy (once you've settled your head).

  • Sophanon
    Post count: 0

    Thank you for your response.

    You make valid points. I feel like a jerk for letting it go on this long. I keep trying to reason with myself why I should stay, none of which are “because we are so in love” or anything like that. Another issue I have is that we work together. I don't want to quit my job because of a break up, no matter how bad, but I don't know if I can stay because seeing him every day would wear my resolve and I might give in…that is if he doesn't hate me after all of this. I know in my heart this isn't where I want to be, but I haven't been able to get that through my head :) This is really hard. Thanks for listening.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Beating yourself up is a waste of energy – the situation is what it is. You should be congratulated for questioning your right path in life.

    As for the work situation, why would anyone have to leave in the first place? A change of mindset is required here. You're two people where the situation has changed and that's it. You're not his mother. You're a human being the same as he is and deserve the same right to happiness as he. Check you have the right emotions at work here – this is a time to rejoice you've made conscious decisions to fine your right guy. It's not a time for sadness, pity or sympathy.

    Whatever guilt trip or negative emotions he's likely to project in your direction are his misguided emotions. Did you get that, they're his and not yours.

    Man up, girl – go get that right guy who's waiting for you right now and live with happiness.

  • Tiramisu
    Post count: 0

    You just described my last relationship to a tee. We were together for a long time, and it actually took me 2 years to break up with him because he would guilt trip me and I just couldn't do it. The whole relationship was pretty much based on me feeling guilty for not loving him enough and staying withvhim because I felt bad for him. I finally took charge of my life and broke up with him over the phone–I knew if it was in person, he would say something or start crying and I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

    You have to make a decision and then be firm with it. Make a contract with yourself: say “No, I can't do that.” No matter how much he pleads, you do not say “well maybe we can try…” or anything except “No”. Even if it may not be nefariously, these guys have been emotionally blackmailing us for so long that they know exactly what to say to make you act the way they want.

    It took me close to a year before I could start dating again and until I fully realized that not staying with him was the best thing I ever did. I met an amazing guy who made me feel so much love and passion, I didn't even know it could be this way outside of the movies. He made me realize how insane it is to be expected to sacrifice yourself for someone else. The above poster is absolutely correct: we are not their mothers, we are equal partners and we deserve to have our happiness just as much as they do.

    One word of advice for when you find someone that you want to start dating again: be completely honest 100% with him. I think what happens a lot of times is that you're afraid to say things that you think will disappoint them or hurt them, so you keep it all inside and say things are fine. As a result, you feel distant and frustrated. On our third date, I told him everything about my past relationship and was completely honest with him. The best surprise? He had issues too from his last relationships, and we talked about everything and got it all into the open where they're not uncomfortable secrets anymore. He was really grateful that I was being honest with him. No matter what relationship you're in, honesty and communication is the most important thing you can do to keep that happiness.

    Good luck!

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