Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Trying to check my baggage at the door.

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  • Yvonne
    Member
    Post count: 42
    #23317 |

    When I went through the breakup all summer I stopped writing and I was upset for a while ( a long while). I am not sure when it happened but I realized I was worth more and that things with my ex were not healthy. I started online dating met some nice and unique people. However I still wasn't exactly finding what I was looking for. I met great guys had good conversation but I found a million and one things I didn't like or they just weren't the total package I wanted.
    About two months ago I met someone that honestly made me laugh genuinely for the first time in a long time. Our first date was my ideal date , went bowling and to play a few matches of air hockey (that I am freakishly good at) and billiards. He is nice and caring and really sweet. What's wrong then ? Nothing, he is the total and complete opposite of my ex even career wise. once we started hanging out a bit more regularly I started to wonder how different this relationship might be , in a better way. On one of our fun dates I left the theater to use the restroom and after 4-5 long months of not speaking to each other my ex calls me in the wee hours of my date night. He called basically to vent about how his family issues have gotten way worse and how he feels like his life is falling apart. The only words regrettably that i could think of saying were ” the last time we spoke did you say you were dating someone and never wanted to talk again how come you don't go to her” he responses with a confused “What? this is a mistake I am sorry for bothering you i just, you were the only person that ever knew it all”. Needless to say I ended my date early with Mr. air hockey. I felt terrible about ending our date early especially due to a stupid phone call from m ex.
    That is when the doubt and comparison began. I found myself the next 3-4 days after getting annoyed easily with air hockey man and myself. The following Tuesday I decided to call him and ask if things were better and give my hopes that everything would get better ( I am not 100% sure I was hoping the broken pieces would come back together but i am not sure I wasn't either ) . To my surprise (not really but still ) he said that he was drunk and sorry for bothering me and stuff and that it was a bad idea to talk to me because now he is talking to someone else. for the first time I wasn't mad I just felt relief that I didn't have to deal with the drama of his family.
    After the conversation I returned to texting Air hockey man and enjoyed the fact that I was smiling again.
    REcently things with air hockey man have been reall good and he mentioned us becoming a couple officially. The terror I felt in my gut must of not showed on my faee because he proceeded to say “glad you think its a good idea too”. Since then Memories (the good ones) of my ex have been clouding up my head and causing me to look at air hockey man a little closer and more critically. A couple days ago I was on the bus ride to our date and the whole time I was annoyed with how nice and caring and sweet he was and how he texts through out the day when he is not at work and how he likes to talk at night. I am not sure if I just got use to being neglected and treated poorly in the past but all the good made me feel suffocated. Once I reached the date and saw him , everything changed. My mood was better I felt like I could breath and let the stresses of the week go and vent to someone who not only cared but actually listened. Days Like today when we text all day and then he calls to see how I am doing and ask what is up then calls make me feel like I cant breath. But then I think about the past and get mad and he says something funny and i am right back to enjoying the time.

    I have tried an exercise of thinking about only the negative stuff but that just made me angry.

    I try not to not compare Air hockey man with my ex instead I am trying to compare him with all the traits I was looking for to begin with.

    Its still a work in progress but checking the baggage of any relationship is hard regardless of the length of it.
    Any advice on what to do , how to handle it along with accepting the fact that even through mr air hockey suy is caring and sweet it doesn't make him suffocating it just makes him something new with potential.

  • Martin
    Keymaster
    Post count: 250

    Yvonne, you are manifesting BS back into your life, with what sounds like a wonderful guy.

    Your ex is now an ex! The things you don't want, OK? You need to form a habit (which takes about 2 weeks or something) on positive focus and the godo traits with this new guy. Historical baggage will consume you until you make an effort to actually admit you have baggage and decide it's negative and then continue to do what you should be doing. As an example, Pam couldn't even get to her own admission despite all her own past relationship mishaps and look where we/she/I have ended up.

    If you feel slightly suffocated, talk to your guy about it, in a positive way. Tell him you've got some issues due to the ex and explain you need to overcome them and say the positive qualities you see in him that you so enjoy. Avoid negative BS too.

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