February 1, 2012 at 7:06 am #4811
My fiance (39) and I (40) have been in a long distance relationship going on 3 years, he is in the UK and I am here in the US. Up until recently everything has been fine. We see each other maybe once or twice a year, whichever we are financially able to do. However we talk-phone, IM or email on a daily basis, and when we talk it is 2-3 hours long. I do love him very much, and I am was positive he felt the same way However, I am confused by some of his actions, which I can’t get a straight answer out of him, so hoping a third party especially another man can give me some insight to what may be going on or what others may think I should do. So a little bit of history or our process. He asked me to marry him in January of 2011, and we decided to make the US our home together since I am more stable here, then he was at the time. I applied for my Citizen ship the same month and became a US Citizen in Aug 2011, the next process would be to apply for a Fiance visa to bring him over here. He mailed the doc’s to me, however they got ‘lost’ in the mail. He said he would send them to me again at the end of Sept, however that never happened because he said he was served with a debt judgement from 5 years ago and that he needed to pay this for the next 3 month to clear his record and thought it be better if we held of until it’s cleared, which his last payment was in Dec and he now shows a clear record. He said he would mail the doc’s this last Sat, however he was not able to do that because he was called in to work so did not have time to do it, since this is his second week on the job he hardly could tell them no. So he said will do so this coming Friday. Now here is my confusion. I caught him in a lie during the last week of Dec. He told me he was suffering from food poison so was not able to come online nor talk to me on the phone the entire week. (I need to mention that he lost his job in Apr 2011 and has been unemployed until about 2 weeks ago) So money has been tied on his end so calling is not something he can afford which I can understand. However, I found out that he in fact was not sick and just kept avoiding me, he told me I was mental and that he can prove to me via an email that he in fact got sick as he wasn’t the only one. So this email turned out to be a complete fraud and I proved to him that all those emails addresses and context where created by him. He then admitted that he was ‘fibbing’ about being sick. He just needed some time to think about stuff, because he felt I was withdrawing from him. So we talked things out and I made clear that in a long distance relationship all we have is trust, and that I can’t see us building a marriage on lies, and that this trust has been lost because of such a stupid lie of all things. So fast forward to now…I just caught him in another lie, he was supposed to mail out those doc’s last Sat, but couldn’t because he was called to ‘work’. Well I just found out that he in fact spend time with one of his band buddies (male friend) and where working on guitar riffs. He still denying that this is what happened. We did have a big argument about it, and I again told him that I can’t do this anymore, that I need him to be honest and I admitted that after the last lie (food poison) I took of the engagement ring as I am confused of where to go from here. I told him again as before that I can’t see us having a successful marriage which is build on lies, I needed him to be honest to me and felt that other things are more important then getting those darn papers out to me to move forward in our progress. I questioned him if he didn’t feel the same way about me and if he no longer wanted to go through with everything then to please let me know so now, before going any further. He insists that he loves me and wants me to be his wife that he wants to build a life together with me and it’s just random crap that get’s thrown at him that seems to hold back getting in the next step of filing the paperwork. But he still say’s he is not lying, I haven’t told him yet that I know he was spending that day with his friend rather then sending out the paperwork. Last night I realized I caught him in another lie, which he claimed he tried to call me (Jan 2012) but got no answer on either my cell or work#, which he said he only has my old cell#, however a Christmas gift that he had send to me clearly shows my new cell# and my work# is ALWAYS answered. I don’t understand why all these lies, I am 90% certain he is faithful as he currently lives with his mom and brother and he is online with me most nights. I am just not sure what to do anymore, I gave him the option to tell me it is over but he say’s he still want this. But with all these lies, how do I know what the truth is? I am at the point that I think I should end this relationship, but know in my heart this is not what I want to do. I’m sorry for the length, but figured I needed to include all the details. Thank you for any input you could give me, Lexy
PS: I have read your Poll:Is Lying Ever Acceptable in a Relationship? and my answer to that is what my mom always told me “Not all lies are bad. It’s the intent to deceive that is bad”February 1, 2012 at 7:23 am #4813
You are engaged to someone you’ve only been with six times?February 1, 2012 at 8:02 am #4814
Hey Lexy. Thank you for your question and background information to your situation.
Without question, long distance relationship are the toughest. Pam and I met in similar situation, with her in Cape Town, South Africa while I was in Brisbane, Australia.
The distance does get the imagination going wild on all sorts of situations where you’re unable to physically touch and talk to your partner. That same situation can also improve a relationship that’s starting out too since you’re avoiding the sexual tension and having to concentrate on the process of really getting to know and units and the other person.
After 3 years, you must have a fundamental feeling whether he is basically an honest person and I think you’re saying that he is.
Relocating your entire life is one huge step to take too, understand that. It might well be that he is internally questioning what he’s about to do, by moving to a different country. That can be stressful for anyone. Combine that with new job and the insecurity attached.
Anyway, have you thought of slowing things down so you both can take a breather, with the view of taking stock of the situation? It would be a terrible waste of relationship energy to throw things away due to long distance misunderstandings.
That said, lying is something that needs to be well and truly sorted out. It’s the worst killer of relationships and if yours is going to survive, you guys need to have clear guidelines as to what’s acceptable and how to deal it situations that arise that might cause anyone to lie. Truth, as painful as it can something be, is always the best policy.
Unsure if that all made sense, Lexy. Please do reply back with ANY questions you might have.
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