We all have crap that happens in our relationships

Relationships that are ending is a very sad scenario.

Divorce is a harsh reality.

Negative emotion permeates every corner of the home.

Children can be aversely affected since they’re often the pawns of this ‘man against woman’ chess game.

The entire situation plunges in an ever downward spiral.

 

Get Out of Your Own Way

As a glowing example of relationship excellence as we might appear (smiles), my second wife Pamela Allen and I have been through some terrible arguments.

And so bad that it’s looked like we were going to end things … a number of times.

Yeah, they got to the point of actually talking about what we need to do to break-up, split up assets and go our separate ways.

Shocked?

In a relationship, and I mean in any relationship, situations arise where your mind gets blocked by negative thoughts. We were no different and the thing is, they’re usually trivial small issues.

Your thoughts are focussed on terminating the situation and getting the hell out of there. No-one wants to be in a frustrating partnership. You’re both looking for the quick answer. And because you associate the negativity with a person, the easiest solution you arrive at is ridding your life of that other person.

You are actually acting irrationally!

I’ll repeat, we’ve been there a number of times ourselves so this irrational behaviour is somewhat normal but it’s still irrational.

You can only think of getting out
You SHOULD be thinking about how to get back in!

 

Options Can Be Positive, Once You Take A Breath

So again from personal experience, you both need to ask a different question of each other.

Reframe time

Instead of:

“How do we separate as best we can so we can both be happy, once more”

Ask this question:

“What do we need to do to keep our relationship so we can both be happy, once more”

Subtle but you need to refocus

Let's take that breath now and weigh up the Pros and Cons that will be common across most situations.

Cons:

  • Everyone is going to end up hurt
  • You’ll end up fighting even more …
  • Children involved can be hurt too
  • Trust in future relationships will be an issue for you
  • You’ll end up with self-doubt
  • Someone’s got to find another place to live and it might be you
    • even more hassles
  • Add some more emotional baggage to your list
  • You’re likely want to come out as the ‘winner’ too.
    • With this in mind, you’re going to end up actually hurting your partner and that’s deplorable.
  • You’ll end up forcing any mutual friends to ‘pick a side’.

 

Pros:

  • Grow your love
  • Become better connected, emotionally, spiritually, sexually and physically
    • as an individual and a couple
  • Move forward in life with someone you can trust.
  • Improve your family’s foundation
  • A balanced family unit for your children’s growth and relationship education
  • Better financial stability
  • Ongoing support from friends and relatives
  • Your communication techniques improve with your partner
  • Future arguing turns into healthy non-confrontational debates
  • Magic!

 

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What’s The Lesson In All This?

Simple.

When you get into a nasty or negative argument, take a breath and ask a different question.

And a question with only positive outcomes and mindset.

 

Avoid and Be Happy

As an example, my wife and I have a female friend who’s about to embark on a separation and divorce.

As it goes, we got the message she and her husband have spoken about their troubled marriage and decided that it’s over and they need to divorce.

They focussed on the negatives in their relationship and the problems were the focal points of the discussion.

Where else is that chat going to lead but to divorce and the sad end to something with the potential of greatness.

Yeah sure, they have marriage challenges.

 

  • They haven’t sought any professional help
  • They failed to engage any friends, with a specific path and mindset to fix things
  • They’ve hit some bumps in the marriage which has unfortunately steered things downhill, instead of taking decisive action to find mutual solutions
  • They got into their partnership for reasons. Love, attraction, mutual goals and many more.
    • Those are foundational elements
    • Foundations are the pillars and building blocks for higher achievements
  • Without both of them agreeing to at least explore a ‘fix’, things are just going to go to crap

 

Remember
This is the place you want to end up
Ask that question next time, OK?

 

What About You?

Have you ever gotten into the downward spiral?
What have you done to get out of it?
Express your thoughts, in the comments below.

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Enjoying newly found freedoms, Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company. I’ll talk and try to help anyone.
Drop me a message and let's start there, OK?

Martin – who has written posts on GeekandJock.