Disaster Brings a New Beginning
I write this from both experiences as well as an opportunity to help others in the same situation.
Relationships are good and great times.
There are also times you could just leave and say ‘forget this whole damn thing‘.
This article is about the latter – when you could quite literally give up the past good times, out of utter and complete frustration.
In hindsight, the solution is an easy one, yet takes some soul searching to get there.
The Disastrous Relationship Scenario
Very recently I found myself in what I thought was both solitudes as well as frustration – and when I mean frustration, I mean I was on the edge of giving everything away, in my relationship with my second wife, Pamela Allen.
I was really troubled as I thought I was simply unable to continue.
And deep down, I also wanted to move forward with her as I love and respect her deeply.
When you know you’ve found your life’s soulmate, giving it away is a peculiar and challenging dilemma to be in.
So I’ve been thinking this way for about a week.
My internal thoughts are telling me ‘Hey, you’re fucked where you are as you’re not being respected nor are you being valued!‘.
It’s A Roundabout If You Don’t Get It Out
I eventually figured out that all this internalizing was a perpetual roundabout.
The more I thought about the situation, the more my limited input reached the same conclusion. I was desperately frustrated and I needed the situation resolved so I could either move forward or move out.
I preferred the former so simply asked the question ‘Do you see our relationship going anywhere?‘.
That was the best question for me to ask, in a calm way. The key is to also keep the tone and questions calm too.
Never say never!
Ask questions that invoke conversation and potential resolution – keep away from ‘Yes or No’ answers since you’re looking for back and forth information to gain additional input and an understanding of the other person.
This way you’re able to get your situation across to your partner and, hopefully, they’re able to get a fuller and deeper understanding of both your situation, as well as where your head is at.
If your partner is actually going to be in the relationship for the long haul, then once they get a proper feel for your headspace, they’ll also be looking to get you back on track and be looking for better solutions for the both of you.
And that’s exactly what I found with her.
She eventually understood what I had been thinking, I think?!?!?
She told me she gained more insight into how and what I was thinking, as well as what I valued in our relationship.
Values are different as well as fundamentally vital for individuals
It’s really not until you get to the end of the road that you’re able to notice there’s a light shining on a crossroad.
That beam of brilliance is illuminated by your partner’s understanding of who you are.
It’s a growth path we eventually get to, after a bad patch.
Providing there’s the will to continue on both sides, there’ll also be the opportunity that will come along to allow you both to move forward.
Is there a better way without the pain?
Hindsight is a wondrous thing, isn’t it?
From lessons learned, here’s a guide with some questions you should be able to ask yourself as well as your partner.
- Get a place with a good amount of quiet time
- Be transparent.
- You want to try out some stuff you read which is only about relationship evolution.
- There’s always a better way to all things in life
- Stay calm, despite any previous historical urges that you’re prone to
- Ask each other ‘Do you see our relationship going anywhere?’
- Answer honestly around what each other needs as well as what’s missing or could be improved.
- There are lessons to be learned on both sides and remember the word ‘compromise’ too
- Both be open to trying new things as well as thinking differently.
- Your thoughts lead to changes in behavior, and that’s a good thing for both of you.
- Both of you give the other permission to give feedback.
- There’s only good feedback, providing you view it that way, to begin with.
- Regularly review how things are going.
- Set aside valuable time to do this – it is your future that’s at stake so it’s important.
In A Nutshell
A good mate of mine is/was going through very similar tough times and asked ‘I tend to forget it’s sometimes it’s not about me and I’m not the cause of every problem… what do you think?’
Well … It’s more like ‘This is me and what I need’, ‘I now know who you are and what you need’ so what do we need to do to make this a fucking hot relationship for us both and live life like never before?
Hopefully, this post helps someone.
At the very least, it’s an insight into what else you might like to try, to steer clear of the initial pitfall I described.
Speak Your Mind, With Your Opinion
Nice to see you made it to the end of the post. Here’s what you can do next:
- What do you do differently to always be moving forward with your relationship?
- What’s one frustrating time that you’ve been able to overcome?
- Click one of the Share buttons – your friends can then enjoy this article too.
And thanks for reading too – Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
11 thoughts on “8 Steps To Go From Disaster to Reborne”
i feel ike im going in circles, i have been reading all types of articles from understanding paroid, insecure, controlling behaviour to the effect smoking weed has on a person to motivational tips for helping someone quit .
my bf of 2 yrs is addicted to smoking pot, he suffers huge mood swings and starts fights over what im allowed to wear, to why i am 10 minutes late. i work 9hrs a day then drive an hour to see him most days of the week. he doesnt go out of his way for me. but thru his eyes im not sure if he truely believes his behaviour is not acceptable. i love him i just wish he would grow the hell up. currently he hasnt spoke to me since monday cos ..well im not quite sure.please help i feel he has near pushed me over the edge..
Let me brutally honest with you, RahRah – I’m guessing that’s not your real name :)
As painful as it might initially be, since you think you love him, you need to extract yourself from this situation and leave him and the relationship behind.
He’s a long term addict
You’ve tried to help but to no avail
He’s dragging your life into misery
Huge mood swings and starts fights which puts your life in potential danger
He’s controlling which impacts on your freedom and individuality
In the real world and from what you say, you’re actually meaningless to him
He’s mentally abusive
This is a classic ‘Bad Boy’ situation unfortunately. You’re just a piece of meat he’ll consume, use up and throw away for another.
Get out and Refocus on the type of guy you do want to care, love and nurture you. Read this post on how to do that.
Do please reply back with anything at all – you need to be very clear on where you go next with this situation.
HI THEGEEK- I'M ASSUMING IS NOT YOUR REAL NOT NAME =)
IVE TRIED WALKING AWAY PREVIOUSLY, BUT CANT SEEM TO DETACH MYSELF WHEN HE COMES CRAWLING BACK, EVERYONE SAYS I AM SO GOOD FOR HIM I JUST FEEL LIKE HE DOESNT RETURN THAT GOODNESS. I PUT IN 110% EFFORT AND IM NOT FEELING IT IN RETURN. WHEN WE ARE GOOD WE ARE GREAT, LOVING, AND HAVE A BALL TOGETHER. BUT WHEN ITS BAD ITS NASTY AND HURTFUL TO A POINT I HATE HIM FOR THE WORDS HE USES AND THE WAY HE EXPRESSES HIS ANGER.
IVE NEVER LOVED SOMEONE AND BEEN HURT BY SOMEONE SO BADLY BY THE SAME PERSON.
WHAT WAY AM I MEANT TO GO? I KNOW HE THINKS THE WORLD OF ME HIS JUST USELESS AT SHOWING IT.
It’s about making a conscious and decisive mindset change unfortunately.
And what you describe is still ‘Bad Boy’ mentality, on his part. He adds excitement so the good times are great BUT it comes back to the abusive and potentially volatile behaviour.
I’ve listed the reasons why you NEED to leave and leave for good. Find something better for you life. It’ll be tough going to start and will be magical when you discover the person you were always meant to be with. Read that article and start your magical journey.
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO I JUST LACK THE COURAGE OF TAKING THAT STEP AND REALLY MEANING IT NOT LOOKING BACK. IVE GOT SUCH A SOFT SPOT FOR HIM IN MY HEART WHICH MAKES IT SO DIFFICULT TO REFUSE HIS APOLOGIES AND LOVE WHEN HE TRIES GETTING ME BACK…
I WANNA BE ABLE TO HELP HIM BE THE PERSON I KNOW HE IS CAPABLE OF BEING BUT IVE TRIED SO MANY TIMES AND HE CHANGES FOR A BIT THEN BAM BACK TO BAD HABITS..
HOW DO I TELL HIM I CANT MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY DO THE "BUNGEE" RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE??
You just have to tell him it’s frigging over!
The words are kind of irrelevant – and be prepared to swing into recovery mode so he can retain you as his slave like he’s done in the past.
I know you’ve got a kind heart and you’re the type of woman these predators feast on.
“I’m not doing this crap anymore. Find someone else because I am. Don’t call me again. Good-bye”
Toughen up for the rocky ride as it’s likely to get potentially weird
No more contact
Don’t answer his calls
Make your plans to get back on the dating cycle and determine the type of person you want in your life
Read that post and map out your ideal soulmate.
Get moving, toughen up and find your future.
It's disheartening how disposable our society has made relationships, instead of stressing the need to make a concerted effort to work through whatever tough times may come. I am so glad you and Pam managed to work things out, Martin!
Thanks for the kind words, Jess.
I guess as human beings, tough times can be the breaking or the growing point in a relationship. Equally, the easy option is often the one taken which would be simply packing up and leaving to look elsewhere.
It's interesting to view your own point of view through the eyes of your partner – gives a clarity you're unlikely to realise and that's the best learning we both got from this particular relationship challenge. I'm sure we'll have many more too. That's something to look forward to as well as want to avoid :)
Best of all, Pam and I are growing together and going from strength to strength.
The important thing is that you're both willing to make the effort to work through it. It saddens me when I see so many people who regard relationships as disposable — so seeing a couple who actually takes the time to talk it out is heart warming. Not to mention, you two are great together!
You make several good points and reveal several things that couples should do before deciding to separate. The majority of our clients will have made significant efforts to try and save their marriages before deciding to divorce, but I will send them a link to this article nevertheless as I feel it could really help many of them.
It's an interesting comment, you make.
Many people 'think' they've made significant efforts to save their marriage when in fact they've lost the right focus and goals for both people in the relationship. Often, it's a partnership of two individuals when both should have the mindset it's a single entity, with two people inside.
Many thanks for passing the article onto people who might benefit (unless your comment is just linkbait:) )