The successful relationship formula

Our Relationship Beginnings

I’ve known my wife for nearly seven years, and we’ve never argued.

For a relationship to work, the core values must be the same for both people.


When I first noticed this, I was blown away, as this was completely new for me; every other relationship I had been in had involved conflict.

Whether this change came about through personal growth or by finally meeting a compatible person, I have not been able to decide, but here’s the basis of how we work so well together.


How Do You Choose Your Partner?

For a relationship to work, the core values must be the same for both people.

Making that determination is not a verbal, intellectual process.

Your partner’s declarations of honesty, trustworthiness, monogamy, fiscal responsibility, etc. do nothing to prove the case.

Only time and experience can demonstrate such traits, and such knowledge arrives as intuition before it is verbalized.

You don’t even need to be able to articulate your own core values; the feeling of concordance with the other is enough.


Here’s The Magic

Here’s where the magic trick comes in.

At some stage, when you know deep down that you both have the same intentions, the same goals, that your values are in agreement with theirs, you can make the jump to completely trusting the other.

there's always a better way to improve your relationships
There’s always a better way to improve your relationships

Now there is no need to monitor or control their actions for fear that they are not in your best interests. And when your partner does the same for you, an amazing thing happens.

It is possible to be free and open in a completely different way.

It is a qualitative change.

When there is no fear of attack, self-expression is no longer a risky action; instead, it allows you to reveal your true self. It is like dancing barefoot; if there are tacks on the floor, even one or two, it’s impossible to leap freely, but when the floor is clear, you can soar with no limits.

We have called this the 100% factor.


Acceptance – Rinse And Repeat

In order for this to work, it takes complete acceptance of your partner.

No complaining about toothpaste tubes, untidiness, or shopping.

Remember, your goals are the same.

Any disagreements are only about the route, and the resolution is to say what you think and feel, not what your partner should do or have done.

By such exchanges, the positions and understandings of both people change until a mutual choice is reached.


Forget The Past And Enjoy

It is important to let go of expectations and projections of what might be.

That means that what is happening right now is what is real; the past is done, over, no longer exists except as a memory, and the future is only hopes and fears.

Only by being present can you fully experience your partner for who they are, and at the same time, be real for your partner.

By offering your true self, you enhance your partner’s trust in you.

This is a virtuous circle and leads both to more intimacy and more autonomy simultaneously, a very paradoxical pairing.

That slow, smothering sense of losing oneself and one’s identity never appears; instead, an ever-increasing sense of richness and freedom grows.


Speak Your Mind, With Your Opinion

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And thanks for reading too – Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

A Successful Relationship 1

Phil and Maude finally put their experiences into a book and ebook.

Phil – who has written posts on GeekandJock.

6 thoughts on “A Successful Relationship”
  1. An interesting article, Phil. I enjoyed reading it and you touch on a few areas I don’t understand all that well.
    Would you be so kind to tell us a bit more about the process you’ve used in being able to forget about the past? Isn’t that an area we should learn from?

    1. Thank you for your response to our blog post.

      When talking about forgetting the past, we are not referring to losing the experiences and lessons the past has brought us. Instead, our message is about being present with an open, empty, receptive mind.

      When you think about the past, you’re not present. Your body is still here, but you, the essential you, isn’t. To be present means to pay attention to what is present.

      Don’t let your memories fill your mind and keep you from experiencing what is actually happening. When you empty your mind of preconceptions and expectations, you will be able to listen to and hear your partner. The two of you will be able to have a shared experience that is new and free of projections and worries. In an open, unguarded moment of presence, there is nothing but the two of you and what you create together.

  2. I really can not believe you guys have never had an argument. To be really honest, you must be uninterested in each other or something. I don’t know but it sounds really odd.

    Arguments or maybe disagreements are what makes two people interesting. The rubs I’ve had with my boyfriend have gone towards strengthens our relationship and allows a better understanding of each other’s value, opinions and direction.

    Are you sure you have never really had conflict of any kind?

    1. Hi Bella,

      Yes, I’m sure! I’ve been in enough relationships that I know well what hidden agendas, unspoken desires, and resentments feel like, and there’s none of that.

      We don’t always agree initially on, say, where to take a trip, so you could call that a disagreement, but it’s not disagreeable. I say what I think, and Maude says what she’d like, and why. By saying how she feels about it, I see her position and her needs, and propose something else that works for me and might be closer to her desires. She does the same thing but the other way round, and we continue until we reach somewhere that works for both of us.

      It’s a definite process that we do and are conscious of, and it’s quite pleasurable because I am learning about Maude’s feelings and needs, and at the same time, exploring my own motivations: why am I attached to this particular outcome? The end result is often better than either of us dreamed of originally.

      I’ve been round the track enough times to know what I do and don’t enjoy in a relationship. Arguing doesn’t do it for me, and I’m lucky enough to have found someone of like mind. It sounds like you use argument to get to the same place, and if that’s what turns you and your boyfriend on, go for it. Myself, I don’t like climbing up the steep side of the mountain; there are much gentler routes to the top.

      Good luck,

  3. Relationships are not what's difficult, finding the right person to partnership with who holds the same values, and virtues that you do, is what poses a challenge. What I have noticed is that with each man I have had a relationship with bought out different things in me. One made me hardened, distrustful, and suspicious, one made me feel lonely. But my fiancee, who I am with now, brings out the kindness, the giggles, and the patience in me. So always expect to grow, because although we remain the same our interactions with people is what changes., and changes us.

    1. Welcome and thank you so much for your thoughts.

      Finding that special person is certainly the first step we all must make. You mention you have values and life outlook. This is, in my opinion, we a lot of people fall down when it comes to the people they have relationships with. Their ‘internal people’ radar is simply not tuned into what it is they really want. Check out a post of mine on Finding the Right Person for You.

      Thankfully, you’ve discovered someone special now which is fantastic.

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