LDR & Changes

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  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0
    #7828 |


    About a month and a half ago I developed feelings with a man I met on the internet. We were introduced 6 months ago through a mutual (online) friend and found to share similar interests and life goals. At first we were casual friends, then once we started to talk more and more we realized how compatible we were and developed romantic feelings. We could literally talk for hours on end without having a break in conversation. There were many nights in a row I would watch the sun set and rise again in the course of our communication – our connection was (and is!) incredible.

    We decided to schedule a date (two months down the road) where we could meet each other, but one week later he confessed he couldn't wait that long. The next day he was at my door step and we proceeded to share the most amazing two weeks I've ever experienced. I was previously in a 2 year LDR with a man who completely sapped me of my ability to truly feel alive so I was understandably apprehensive to start another LDR, but I couldn't deny how strongly I felt for him and we decided to become exclusive.

    Once he finally went home a lot of things in his life changed. He got a new job that required much longer work hours, but with better pay and benefits all with the intention to be able to have the means for us to be together again. I am completely thrilled and overjoyed at his eagerness of bridging the distance in the future (which my previous LDR didn't care about.) But, I am coming to you today and asking for your advice in how to change my own mindset.

    Because of his new life choices our communication has greatly declined. Our 8-10 hour talk sessions have now been reduced to an hour over the course of an entire day. Even though I consciously know that it is not his own personal doing, but due to his job and his need of relaxing and having his own personal time at the end of the day, my brain has fallen into hyper-drive with thoughts of “Oh god, he hasn't immediately responded back to me like he used to. Does he still feel the same for me?” or, “We haven't had a meaningful conversation in a week about things we're passionate about. Is he growing bored of the relationship?” I know these things are NOT true, but I know that he is picking up on my anxieties as much as I am trying to hide them. He has seemed slightly withdrawn lately, but deep down I know it is because of the drastic changes in his life and his silence is his way of coping with it. It has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about me or our relationship. But I can't switch that part of my brain off because of my past LDR experience. All of it is making me feel and come off as being crazy. I am typically not this way – I enjoy the freedom of an LDR while also having a companion. I enjoy being able to set down the phone and walk away if I need to, but this one is different. Since he's went back home I feel unable to control myself or my emotions. I just want him back with me.

    How does neediness affect a man? My boyfriend claims to love the endless affection but I fear my neurotic behavior will push him away, no matter how strongly he feels about me. How can I change my own thinking that, even though he doesn't respond as quickly or talk as much as he used to, that he's still completely interested? Sometimes I know he hasn't responded to me after work because he is taking some time to himself, and I am completely selfish for feeling entitled to all of his time, but my mind won't allow myself to acknowledge it. When 20 or 30 minutes passes without a word from him I start to panic. I am in a fantastic budding relationship and I don't want to mess this up with my own insecurities!

  • Martin
    Post count: 250

    Wow, you're in for a fantastic ride!

    Your first few paragraphs are literally how Pam and I started off. Talking for hours on end and about anything and everything – you brought back so many fond memories.

    And the amazing thing about relationships is they CHANGE. Spell that word and understand it. Whether you're in an LDR or not, they change. Life changes and the focus needs to be on the direction and where you ultimately desire the both of you to be.

    First up though, really dwell on this:

    • This guy ISN'T at all like your last LDR fellow, is he?
    • He's a different man altogether
    • To judge a current situation or person in the same light as something in the past is totally wrong. It's certainly human nature to do it but it's fundamentally flawed as the circumstances are all totally different.
    • To judge him in any way, from of your history shows a lack of respect to him and a disservice to yourself. A fresh outlook is needed.

    Try a few really easy things first though:

    • Explain to your guy that you need his help in overcoming your past
    • Give him the freedom and authority to tell you honestly that you're moving into ‘that silly place again'
    • Define your times for calling / chatting and agree that it's cool to be late by xx minutes – life isn't a Train Timetable and things sometimes get in the way
    • You need to also find something to do to take your mind off him when he's busy – do you have a hobby? If you don't work-out, maybe this is an ideal opportunity to take your mind off those weird situations, get fit/ter, and allow those endorphins to also make you feel and act strong.
    • You're a strong and confident woman – we just need a bit of refocussing.

    Oh and guys appreciate looking after their ladies as much as it's true of the reverse. Being a strong confident woman is far more attractive to a guy than one who is needy and clingy – you are going to turn that around too.

    Please write back if any of the above is unclear or you have more questions.

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