What are the chances of us getting back together?

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  • Anonymous
    Post count: 0
    #5017 |

    We started going out at 21 and are both now 26.
    My boyfriend has just recently broken up with me.
    For the first 2 and a half years it was bliss and we have both never been in love as much as we have with each other. Things started to fall apart when I went on the pill for him as he really really wanted me to go on it for a better sex life so I gave in at about the 4 or 5 month mark even though I have previously tried it and new it did not work for my body.

    I stuck it out for as long as I could (staying on the pill) which was just under two years. I knew I had to come off it as it was doing a lot of damage to my body and I was starting to not feel very good on the inside. When I did come off it I got the worst acne you could imagine…

    The really bad acne lasted for about 6 months and I had acne for about 1 and half in total. I became an emotional wreck. I lost all my self confidence and did not know myself any more. I tried to push him away but he stuck by me through out that time even though I lost a lot of my sex drive and was very emotional.

    We both finished uni at the same time and he went off to find a full time job although I still had my bad acne and had zero confidence to be meeting new people and going to interviews. So I wasn’t working much and had no real structure in my life for two years after uni. I did try to get myself back together after I fell apart… I went overseas twice (once in each of those two years that I pretty much took off) for about two weeks each time, thinking that would help me heal and subconsciously be more independent. It helped a little but didn’t really fix much.

    Through out the time I lost my self confidence I feel like I became very dependent on him in an emotional sense and never let that go. In the last year we were together I started cracking it (never yelling though) at the little things and started to become more bratty and wanting my own way for most of the time.

    I realise now I was taking everything out on him as I spiralled out of control in terms of leaning on him and making him my emotional crutch especially when things got a little bit hard and towards the end I started my first full time job which wasn’t exactly what I went to uni for but in the end I got a job to help contribute financially towards our future and get structure back into my life. He did try to take a breather from each other a few times in the past. I became to needy and reliant on him though and he loved me too much to see me hurting and thought I would get better. He was also house hunting last year (he was given a lot of money by his parents but also saved some of his own money since working full time) and purchased a house towards the end and was more mature in that respect…

    I wasn’t quite on the same maturity level as he was in terms of taking on all the responsibility that comes with owning house. I have been more babied than him in my life (in terms of house work, cooking dinner every night etc.) as my parents have spoiled me and taken care of a lot of things for me whereas he had to do a lot of it for himself. As you can see everything just got too much for him and he broke it off completely. I am finally feeling really good about the direction I am going and working on my self and gaining back my emotional independence.

    I am doing a very good job in saving my money from my full time job to put towards an apartment. I realise now all I needed was significant time away from him to heal on my own and to be independent again in terms of not relying on him to distress and push my emotions on him although in saying that it has taken all that time to build myself back up to be the independent person I once was. I feel confident again. I know it might sound like I was not always nice to him but I did do a lot of nice things too.

    I would always take care of him when he got sick, was a very trusting girlfriend, was there for him with all the little bits and pieces like failing uni subjects, starting his first full time job etc, I would bake for him or make lunches, never minded when he went out to party, supportive of his passion for motorbikes and weekends away for motorbike races among many others.

    I am also very confident he never cheated on me as he told me everything and told me things about girls because he knew I did not get jealous, we spent most of our time together as well so he didn’t really have time to cheat as he spent his spare time on his hobbies. I am generally a very nice person which he always says but I obviously ended up not being nice to the person I cared about the most.

    We both share the same sense of humour, both try to do the right, both want family, both have good morals and all the other bits that unite a couple. We get along great it was just I started to take too much out on him for too long. The break up was not too bad in any way as we cried and hugged and spoke about being friends I also finally admitted this will be for the best as I will finally be able to grow as a person and better myself.

    He said he would have loved the more mature me and maybe in a year or two we would be a perfect match (he also wrote this in a text message the next day as he was thankful to me for being kind about the break up). But I am not sure if he was just saying that or to make it easier and less painful for now. He would also say it is going to be hard to find someone to the standard of me and being with me has made his expectations too high now but again I don’t know if that is something people say when they are breaking up to make it easier. I would not get back into any kind of serious relationship (even with him) before I know I have worked on what I know I need to work on…

    Such as being more independent emotionally (which I have come a looong way already) not taking things out on people and also being independent from my parents and doing things for myself in which they now know they are to stop doing things for me in order for me to develop into a mature woman.

    I am being proactive and not blaming anything on anyone at all.

    So in general I am working on myself a lot and becoming more mature it is hard work but I know it is worth it and I am capable of succeeding.

    I am really happy with my progress as I am very determined to make the changes for myself as I know I need to in order to live life happily again in the future.

    I still love him very much because he is a very good person and is someone I would like to marry and have children with. He does have is flaws too but I wont worry about getting into them as I accept him for his faults and not being perfect as no one ever is.

    I am just looking for some honest feedback on the possibility on getting back together as he is a very sensible person and thinks very logically and might never want to give it another shot as his way of thinking is he only ever wants to get married once and does not want to make the wrong decision but he does love me very much and is very attracted to me.

    I am a good person and I don’t want to ever end up treating my partner (whoever they may end up being) like that again that is why I want to fix any issues I have now as he was my first serious boyfriend and I am very reflective of how I do not want be in the future and what I can do to change that.

    I do know in the long run I will be able to meet someone else and like I said before I wouldn’t even jump into things with him if he was willing to try again down the track so I do not want to be with him again just for a quick fix.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this very long email.

    I much very appreciate your time and advice. Many kind regards.

  • Martin
    Post count: 250

    Thanks for your visit and your question.

    To answer the question directly, yes, of course you guys have another chance. Opportunities abound in relationships as well as them being quite confusing too, given you're dealing with so many variables in human reaction and behaviour.

    That said, ask him out for a coffee. It's about the simplest first step in gaining an understanding on where he currently is in life and what he's looking for. Be aware though that you need to be clear where you are going, whether that is going to align with his journey and retain who you are as well as potentially combining those magnificent qualities with his to make something magical.

    Never give up on your own happiness for someone else. Look to attain though, in a loving and nurturing relationship – happiness is so much easier that way (in my opinion). You'll always have ‘bumps in the road' but that's just life so accept it and move forward.

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