Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Problem with his parents… Reply To: Calm and Start with the important things

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First up, thanks for posting and allowing some comment – that's a pretty brave step and you're obviously therefore at the end of your tether too.

In our view of the world (Pam, my wife and I), the family unit levels of importance go something like this:

  • Us first
  • Our kids
  • Our parents and other family members

Why us first? Well, we're soulmates and in this life together. In the end, nothing else matters.

So I'm going to presume your partner has these same feelings as do you. And it's important that you also verbally confirm this too – he might really be thinking different or has never thought about these importance levels before, which might get him thinking.

Have that chat first and have it away from his parents home so you can both think and talk calmly and rationally. This conversation will be a good icebreaker and introduction too. So from here on, I'm going to presume your partner now definitely understand the family unit levels and their importance.

OK, you've got to live there for the moment. That's life. What needs to happen is to set some ground rules as well as a little bit of compromise, from all parties.

You're still chatting to your partner. He needs to understand you're both madly in love with each other and to make the current situation work, for everyone. Life has to be a win-win situation and we need to work out how to get there.

As a starting point, set some ground rules for everybody.

  • Everyone respects each other's space
  • Everyone understands individuals have differing emotions and the time they need to themselves
    • As an example, I'm an extroverted person and Pam is an internal energy person, like you. I know she needs more time inside her head than I do. That's just her which has to be cool
  • You need to give up some of your time for your in-laws, just as they need to understand you need time alone
    • They obviously want you as part of the family and fail to realise how best to welcome you in
  • Remember to keep calm – I know I said this already and it's important. Be sane and rational
  • Verbalise to all that there is likely to be some more bumpy spots until everyone better understands each others needs as well as private space. That's OK, life is a learning

And also plan with your partner on your own next steps in making a life away from his parents who will always be welcome in your life.

I hope I've made some sense to where you should begin. Please do comment back with any other questions or points you'd like to clarify or chat about too.