I wasn't able to just end it, I found my self hurting at the thought of it. But here is what happened apologize for the long nature of this but I do what to know what you think about what ended up happening.
When we finally spoke at night he let me know he was sick with food poisoning I still told him no excuse he could of texted that earlier. But it continuted I asked him if he was okay that we were still together his response “ no I feel like we argue a lot and I am tiered of the insecurities & I don't know” so I said “do you love me ? “,
me: do you think all the problems have been my fault?
me: do you think how you treated me and how you have been acting has been fair or easy to deal with ?
K: no I realize that
Me: I dont want to break up something in me still thinks it can work and we just need to go slow I know I am insecure and I am the only one who can fix that. I know I need to stop nagging you and being the way I am with you when we fight and I need to try to be a bit more understanding of your exhaustion when you get home and not try to just pick at something if anything when we are tense. We both have stuff to work on & I think if we get on it we cant fix it.
K: okay we can give it a shot I know I have been an ass lately I honestly don't know myself anymore nor do I like who I see after everything with family and work and just everything (he mentions something private about returning to church) and he is aware that when he is stressed that is usually when this stress and anger and fights happen.
We agreed to work things out and give it a last shot
night goes on and we did some stuff in our homes when we got back to talking
me: r u sure you love me ?
me: do you still feel like we can make moves forward
K: idk, im not ready or sure enough to discuss that becaue of the aruging and fighting I cant deal with the insecurities we just need to see how this goes.
Me: r u in love ?
K: idk 50% yes when we are not fighting and ur not mad its perfect like I love being around and and with u and I can look at you and know its okay these moments are when I realize or the ones I remember when I think about going or leaving . But then 50% I hate fighting I have the insecurities & I wonder if we would be better apart
me: so basically when ur not in ur mood and im not in mine and the fights dont happen everything goes smooth . But ur aware that all couples have fights there will never be no arguments
k: I know that but the arguments we have had lately not all your fault they are mine too but I try to let it go and move on and you dont I get that you cant sometimes because I leave it open ended but there is not reason for it to feel this way. But when we are good I love everything about u and cant get enough I havent been able to open up me emotions are on high defense with everything family wise. I do love u and im willing to see how it goes from here.
Me: is it possible to stop the arguments from getting to where hey got and instill the fun back ? And do you believe we can get it back and move forward once we feel like the fighting slowed down and the some fun is back (we both need to open up emotionally)
k: like I said im ½ there 1.2 crazy in love ½ like this week or other weeks quesioning why im here dealing with this and wondering why I stay but when I get one glimpse of you when your calm and im calm I remember why I stay and work it out. I do love you and I go backand forth with the in love and manage to come around and decide to stay because I do think you are worth it and I hope it can be fixed
me: once we can get things calm and you arent so stressed out after two weeks do you think we would be able be sure more sure atleast that you know it will work and more than 50/50 .
k: yea I just think right now we need to see how it goes and if we can bring back the fun and the not fighting unless its something actually worth fighting over then yea I do think its possible we can make this work. I do care and love you very much I just hate our fights and your insecurities.
We said out good nights and after everything I know we are still together but I feel exhausted. I know I have to work on myself and right now its evident he does too ( which I honestly didn't know he didn't like who he was becoming ) I just dont like going back into this 50/50 I know im not perfect and its evident I have insecurities but this happens in the spring and once he is out from work things get better. And we have fun again, I am still inlove and I know its probably dumb of me but I am through it all I get mad frustrated and angry but I would still stay through the thick and thin. I would like to work on this and get it back to the happy we were once and not this fighting stressed out couple we have become. This year has been a journery but this spring has been worse. I know you think I should of broke it off but from where it is now how can I get it to reach happiness ?