Life has been very difficult. I have tried to really focus on the things I do have control over. Those things have included, looking for a better job (before he and i got arrested i was a social worker for the county i live in, but i lost my job as a result of the arrest), keeping an appropriate distance from the ex, using my time productively and making sure I continue to eat healthily and exercise every day.
Not having him as a regular part of my life continues to be a struggle. But i am adjusting. With as much loss as I have experienced in the last year (two babies, my ex, my job, my sister, and a close friend) it is difficult not to feel lonely at times. Especially being 28, while many of my friends are getting married and having children. But time does make it easier. I have not started dating. In fact, I have turned down a few men since the last time i dated.
There are a few reasons why. I couldn't see myself really moving on from my ex with any of those men. In addition to that, I feel i have little to bring to the table in a relationship right now with my life being the mess that it is. Lastly, I think this is the time i need to take for myself. I don't think that getting wrapped up in another man right now is the right thing for me. I am trying to focus on my, and my own personal growth.
Communication with my ex has been limited. His GF has been reading his text messages and fighting with him over his relationship with me and then gets into more trouble with her for always defending me to her and I do not want that. So I keep our talking/texting to a minimum.
With all that said, my feelings have not faded. 5 minutes does not go my without me thinking about him. Every morning i wake up a experience the losses over again. It has gotten much easier to snap myself out of that train of thought though. I ask myself, “What am I going to do today to be productive, healthy and happy.” Usually the answers are work, yoga, and a hike int he redwoods.
I guess that's it for now. Thoughts?
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