suppahiroParticipantNovember 9, 2011 at 3:22 pmPost count: 3
So my boyfriend and I recently broke up. We kept arguing about 2 issues we can't seem to solve. 1) He doesn't express his feelings much. He's not a romantic person and all i ask is for him to be a little romantic. At least talk about how we feel about each other. I think it connects to the 2nd issue. When it comes to sex, we do it probably once a week. We only see each other on the weekends so it's the only time. I don't think the amount is the issue. He says he's attracted to me but, I don't have the power to turn him on when I want to. He's turned on usually when we're about to go to bed. I wish it could happen more sporadically. When I am turned on earlier in the day, he never wants to. He doesn't mean to reject me but, it hurts. I'm a bit insecure and it doesn't help.
We broke up but, we still want to be with each other. He's actually being more expressive with his feelings now and when he dropped off my stuff, i felt there was passion there for me. i feel like there's definitely potential to grow and work out. Again, he says he wants to be with me but, he's afraid that if we get back to together that'll we hit another bump in the road. He doesn't want to make me cry or go through the break up process again. He says he still trying to figure it out some type of solution. I told him he just needs to believe in us. He's not confident in himself yet that he can make me happy.
I just want to know what he's probably thinking. I also want to know if this relationship is more likely over or not.
MartinKeymasterNovember 9, 2011 at 10:31 pmPost count: 250
Firstly, thank you for taking the time and courage to express your situation and seek a resolution – that's the first brave step to healing and moving forward.
There's a few things I'd like some more information on though.
Have you spoken to your ex-boyfriend on compromises and understanding? By that I mean
- what does he feel romance means to himself and what does he think romance means to you?
- ask yourself, what really does romance mean to you and do you understand how the ‘ex' thinks about romance?
- The same for sex. Sex is often a sticking point in relationships since it's often a taboo subject for conversation.
- Do you both know what each likes sexually? You'd only know this if you've both sat down (clothed) and calmly spoken about it
- Once you've done the above, the next taboo sex subject is discovering what each other would like to try as well
I understand you've broken up and you also suggest he's trying to be more expressive. Is this because he's doing it to get back together or he's wanting to learn to be more expressive and wanting to do this himself and not because of you?
I'm unsure of both your ages and this factors into what's going on too. If both you guys are late teens / early twenties, it's likely he's just as confused about relationships as you are. I'd suggest you both remain unattached and grow together without the confusion of sex.
I know I've asked a few questions which be helpful to be answered to give some better clarity around your situation.
suppahiroParticipantNovember 10, 2011 at 12:51 amPost count: 3
You did point out some things that I haven't thought of talking about. I will talk to him about it sometime soon.
He's a laid back kind of guy who rarely gets emotional about things. This is a situation that makes him really sad and I believe he's naturally expressing his feelings with me. Now that we know he can be expressive, maybe he can do it more often, hopefully.
Oh, and we're in our late 20s.
I hope that helps. Thank you so much for your help.
MartinKeymasterNovember 10, 2011 at 1:37 amPost count: 250
Oh cool – thank you clarifying.
Thing is, we all have our own way in dealing with issues, including emotions. I'd be interested to understand whether he was like this in previous relationships. I know my wife's previous marriages were to quiet / introverted guys and she simply fell into line with that behaviour. It took a little while for her to open up and express herself and emotions.
Perhaps this might be similar with him? That said, he might simply be apprehensive to open expression, in case he himself ends up gets hurt or let down. Often when a relationship starts, there's areas that are guarded. Until there are strong trust bonds established, these barriers stay up from a self-preservation perspective.
Can I highlight the need for you to go slow as far as expectations go? He needs to want to do it, without pressure and see the value and benefit to him. It needs to be about him, not you. An individual simply can't expect change in another unless that other person absolutely wants it themselves.
suppahiroParticipantNovember 12, 2011 at 1:40 amPost count: 3
So I tried talking to him. It didn't help. If he loved me, he'd be willing to make this work. I felt like I was the only one actually trying to do something. I deserve better. I wish break ups were easier every time you go through them. I'm sorry for wasting your time. :(
MartinKeymasterNovember 12, 2011 at 2:44 amPost count: 250
Absolutely no wasted time on my end – please do understand that.
This site is here to help those that ask for it so all good.
Let's turn this into a positive though. While you think it was a waste of time and are probably in a sad mindset, you've once and for all discovered that you're free to find the man that you deserve to be with!
That's the best thing to start thinking of right now, for you.
Can I refer you to a previous post Get Out There And Refocus To Find Your Perfect Partner so you might like to begin your new and magical journey?
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