Tagged: relationship bored attraction
Adalia H.March 21, 2012 at 8:15 amPost count: 0
So there is this girl and she's my girlfriend now. Recently. I have a very weird feeling about our relationship. I do really love her in spiritual way as far as I know that she'll be a great wife for me, a great match to live my life with. However, there are several physical factors in her appearance (i.e. her teeth) that let me down. I feel like I'm not sexually attracted to her because of those factors. I'm in a very annoying dilemma. What is your advice? What should I do?
Thank you very much in advance for guiding me.
MartinKeymasterMarch 21, 2012 at 8:23 amPost count: 250
Update: Make sure you check out Why You Might Love Her and Not Like Here
Hi Adalia and thanks for the interesting question.
- Can you provide a full list of these physical factors that have you in this situation?
- I presume you guys are in a sexual relationship. What’s your gut feel around the sexual interaction with her?
- Have you raised any of these ‘issues’ with her, so far?
- Is it only physical or external things that trouble you? I.e. how are you both as far as being mentally attuned, good conversation, interests together?
Adalia H.March 21, 2012 at 8:52 amPost count: 0
Thanks for your reply.
Here are the answers to your questions:
1- Basically teeth, jaw, ears and hairs. Her hands are also not that attractive but I'm OK with it.
2- Yes we are, and I think everything works well there YET.
3- No. I don't want to hurt her, AT ALL. I don't even imagine how would I say that to her (!). She can't change it right? then why would I tell her? I understand that everyone (including me) has factors in appearance that may not be attractive to the partner and that's exactly why I'm here because I'm in a dilemma.
4- The interests matches (as far as we have Art in common) but I sometimes feel like we don't have many topics to talk about. I mean, in general life everything's OK when we're talking about daily events but when it comes to discussions (i.e. a political or social issue) I'm the one who talks only and she lacks knowledge. Therefore, I sometimes end up discussing those with my female colleagues lets say. In addition to that, she is older than me (2 years) and I feel like she lacks energy while I'm ready for more activities. This also hurts me sometimes.
MartinKeymasterMarch 21, 2012 at 9:55 amPost count: 250
Thanks for the further info, Adalia.
So your dilemma is really whether you're ever going to satisfied with a woman and her looks OR accept that everyone has faults (in your mind) as well as growth to help them become a better person.
You seem to be stuck in a mindset of external appearance as opposed to growing into a far better mindset of exploring a person as a whole. Many younger guys are only interested in a woman for physical beauty and an added bonus is if they act dumb. It's so widespread that it actually impacts on woman as an entire gender.
In an endeavour for you to move forward and past the superficial silliness of teeth, jaw, ears and hair, what exactly do you find attractive with your girlfriend? List at least 30 things and keep going until you get to 30. That will clearly show you the real truth.
Next on your interests comment. Do you think everyone has conversational skills as you do? Also the same knowledge on the same things as you do? Do you encourage and continue to encourage her to chat about all the various things she is interested in or are you more interested in pointing out her faults without a continued effort to life her up to become a great person?
Your real dilemma is whether you recognise you need to change your mindset as well as whether you're prepared to make a decisive change.
Adalia H.March 21, 2012 at 10:59 amPost count: 0
Thanks for your reply. I honestly appreciate your comments.
First, I\'ve read that \”physical attractiveness\” is a big factor in any relationship and without that, the relationship will not survive. I\'ve also read that physical attractiveness doesn\'t happen in guys if it didn\'t exist from the beginning. I\'m not sure whether this is a correct information or not and I\'d like to ask you please to describe it a little bit. Thanks.
Second, I think you are right about what I\'m stuck in. I feel like my mindset about external beauty is affecting my honesty in relationship and my life overall. Now, I feel like I\'m stuck with a dilemma whether I love or not (!!!) If I do love her (which is what I think I do) then why doesn\'t she look very beautiful in my eyes? I\'m INDEED more than sure that I love her soul, but what about her look? Do you think physical beauty is not important? What about the chemistry of the relationship? Do I really have to ignore the fact that I don\'t find her beautiful and attractive?
You said I go on writing down 30 attractiveness factors about her; I find this a little bit difficult, believe it or not. At this moment, I\'m more stuck in her faults rather than her beauties and I don\'t know why.
They say \”It doesn\'t matter how she look likes to the world. What matters is that how she look likes in your eyes\” and knowing this, confuses me the most.
Third, about your comments on Interests; that makes me think further and I think you are right. This is what I\'ll be practicing, I\'ll let her describe her world more and talk more about what she likes.
It deeply hurts when I get more physically attracted by other females around, while I don\'t get attracted that much to the one I feel I love and I\'m in a relationship with. They say, a woman is attractive until she becomes yours. When she is yours, you are not that much attracted to her anymore. Is this true?
I sometimes even feel like I made a wrong choice but then I remember how much she loves me and cares about me, and how well our relationship goes spiritually.
What if there exist another woman, with the same personality values but a better look? I know I may sound evil, but this is an active question in my mind, stuck for years and I can\'t answer it. I\'d like to ask you please to describe this as well. Thanks.
MartinKeymasterMarch 21, 2012 at 11:36 amPost count: 250
Sure, most if not all guys (and gals for that matter) start off in being physically attracted, as the very first step – what was your attraction if not external?
Constantly fixated on her faults leads you down the path of continual negativity and that's going to get you nowhere but grief. The reason I suggested you sit your arse down and complete a list of at least 30 attract things you like about her is around getting you refocused on how she is beautiful. And because it needs to be a big list allows your brain to really think and expand into things you may simply not have thought of. Here's some examples that might help get you started:
- I love how she holds out her delicate fingers when picking up a fork
- I love her cute perky nipples
- The nape of her neck is so deliciously kissable
- I've just realised I can't help but stare at her sexy bum – that's a real turn-on
- I love drifting off to sleep as I simply smell her fragrance on the bed. I just love the very smell of her
- She has the most gorgeous eyes
- I love her cute ear lobes
- ….. you get the idea? Only concentrate on the positive things. Everyone has negatives. Rarely do we take the time to focus in on a person's attributes and make that real in our head.
How she looks in your eyes? That needs to be refocused on a holistic approach. Real beauty really is deeper than just skin deep. Most people discover that as they get older and gather a few wrinkles and body areas start to sag. Attraction shifts to a whole different (and higher) level then.
Your visual attraction to other females is something I mention in a recent blog article On Why Men Stare At Other Women and a Forum post from a woman On Why Men Stare When I'm So Attractive – have a read. The point is, it's natural from a primal reason as opposed to you thinking you're actually going to be taking action on these mental images.
Sure, you've got doubts at the moment due to all these swirling and confusing thoughts in your head. Bear in mind you've also got something really special that a lot of lonely people never get – love and the love from another person. I'm sure there's also other women that you might find with similar values as well as better looks – it's also highly probable you'll have these same thoughts and questions with them, eventually, as well.
SalimParticipantJanuary 9, 2015 at 6:49 pmPost count: 1
Hi I want to share my experience, I was in a relationship for more then one year, full of love because she was a great person, despite that I was not happy, I tried to complete the relation and convince myself that is the perfect person for me but I couldn't.
Many times I wasn't happy and I tried to walk away but it doesn't works, because I really care about her, but once I realised that I couldn't be the perfect person for her and she may meet a new person that can make her happy more then me, then I decided to walk away. It was a very hard decision and it hurts both.
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