Home Forums Relationships General Relationships Lost Our Focus

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  • Cold-and-rainy
    Post count: 1
    #2360 |

    I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and we’ve been living together for months. He’s in his early 40’s, I’m going on 30. We both work in a profession that has required constant moving from place to place. Near the end of our most recent field season, my boyfriend received an email from a place he has volunteered at seasonally for the last 4 years, saying that there was funding for a two year position (which my boyfriend would be excellently qualified for) plus some other shorter-term positions (which I could apply to) and that another “head’s up” would be sent when the position was formally posted in the next few weeks. This was great news, especially for work in our field. We arranged our plans around the possibility of this job, went on a camping trip and then went to visit his mother while waiting for the job to fly. We were expecting to stay at his mother’s for 3-4 weeks.

    We are now closing in on almost 2 months at my boyfriend’s mother’s house. After not hearing anything further about that job my boyfriend first emailed, then called, the office of the place with the possible job. Evidently, the funding for the job was suspended, and it is unknown whether or not the job will be created at all. My boyfriend was given another date where it would be known if the job would be created or not. This is not the first time this kind of job has been dangled in front of my boyfriend’s nose, just to fall through.

    I feel like our lives are now on hold and we’ve lost our focus. I love his mother dearly for letting us stay at her house, while waiting for this job, but I wasn’t planning on staying for months. It is my opinion that we should just look for work and housing elsewhere. The problem is agreeing on where to focus our efforts.

    One plan we had made was to rent a place near where his family lives, and find work, even if it’s not in our field. There are universities in this area, which is great because we’d both like to take some classes. We toured the nearby towns to see if we liked them (they’re cheaper than the town his mom lives in), decided which we liked, and started looking for rentals and applying to jobs.

    Now all of a sudden my boyfriend is wanting to go down and volunteer again at that place teasing him with the job. Okay…volunteers get free housing…there’s a university in that area too…and the area is spectacularly beautiful…it could be doable. Then he suggests doing volunteer work in some exotic local. Or that we should go on a trip overseas (we have money saved up, we could do it, thought I’d rather save what I have for now). Then he was on craigslist looking at rentals and getting very excited. Looking for rentals is awesome, except that the places he’s been showing me are 2000 miles away from where we are now, all the way across the country. Then he'll suggest doing something like adopting a cat (can't do that if we're volunteering somewhere exotic!). He then asks me what I want to do, and I was initially on board for staying in the area where we are now. But then he'll say…”or we could do this…or this…what do you want to do?”

    I’m getting really frustrated because I don’t know what to do or say anymore, I just know that I can’t keep living at his mom’s house. I feel like he wants me to change my mind and say something else, but I don’t know what that is. His ideas seem scattered, and I’m starting to feel scattered too. We’ve started arguing about it, and I’m getting increasingly unhappy. Did he loose his grounding because that job, which he wanted badly, was disappeared? Is he going insane? Maybe he doesn't want to settle down? What can we do to get on even ground again? Any advice would be appreciated.

  • Martin
    Post count: 250

    Welcome and that’s a great question.

    You’re wondering about what the future holds and he sounds like he’s constantly providing solutions. As it turns out, some are starting to get a little random.

    Men and women continually think along different paths and each person on the planet has their own set of rose colored glasses and preconceived historical influencers. Are you starting to see where I’m going with this?

    Somewhere along the line, you’ve both lost the definition of where both your lives are headed. It’s easy to happen and just as easy to remedy too.

    Play a Game of lets list what’s important to both of us. Be honest with him and explain you both need to better understand each other and it needs to be light hearted as well as truthful. Take it in turns to list an important aspect of each others' lives and priorities. Keep a stop watch so discussion on each of them can go longer than 3 minutes, before you move onto the next person – that way, any potential conflicts are averted and the discussion is limited to ‘from the heart’ communication.

    Think what this is going to achieve for you both. Understanding as well as a rough roadmap. You’ll get clarity on where he wants to go and he’ll better understand your future desires for you both.

    Any questions, no matter how small, please let me know.

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