AnonymousUserParticipantDecember 18, 2011 at 5:32 pmPost count: 19
I'm a 28 year old professional (doctor), or I was. My other half is 39, and worked as a chef in a prodigious hotel restaurant. But he's also Portuguese so, in our wisdom, we decided to emigrate to Portugal in the understanding he would be the breadwinner while I got to grips with the language.
We're now 6 months in. The weather is wonderful, the culture is great, the people too, those I can understand at least BUT my other half just isn't cutting it. He has finally, after 5 months of nagging found 2 days a week working in a hotel so far away it is barely worth the petrol money, and does nothing else.
The 5 days he doesn't work he gets up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon, trying to get him up earlier results in strop & bad mood for the day – its just not worth it. He then sits on the sofa in front of the tv or on his computer the whole day, and I cant remember the last time he came to bed at the same time as me, no matter what time I sit up til or how many times I ask.
Maybe I was naive… things were similar in England, just not so drastic… but he assured me it was because the weather was so bad he just didn't see anything attractive about going out to do anything. Now we're here, it's mostly sunny… and he's worse. I have to actually nag a 39 year old man to have a wash more than once a week, and then suffer the resentment he bears for asking him to for the next hour or so. We have three dogs, which he wanted, who only ever go out with me. We have a house, which was his grandmothers, that needs so much work doing it still rains inside one of the rooms on bad days. I do all the housework – fair enough he works two days a week, I don't mind the majority being mine- but I didnt expect that to include everything from dealing with the chickens, to our dogs, the cleaning, cooking (on two hobs because the rest of the cooker doesnt work!) the washing to having to make him wash himself, all while worrying about what exactly we're going to eat tomorrow because we are so strapped for cash.
We split up two years ago for around four months because I felt he no longer appreciated me, no longer valued my opinions etc – well, this time its worse tenfold. I almost feel like an accessory in his life. He refused to left me drive the car the other day because he knew the way and I didn't, and when I insisted he could just give me directions and that I wanted to drive he threw a strop and insisted on just driving us home instead.
I'm not a stupid person & I do love him deeply but I'm at the limits of what I as a person can deal with. Living in a country where you do not speak the language better than say your average 4 year old is a very isolating experience. He hasn't kept his end of the deal, so now my money has run out I cant afford any more language lessons, we cant afford to socialize much if at all, he states he doesnt know how to teach me and it's… not easy.
I reached the final straw over the silly macho-controlling car driving nonsense… and we had an arguement about things. He says he doesn't know whats the matter, he just feels sort of absent and he keeps thinking he needs to change tomorrow but then the next day just hits the snooze on the alarm clock again. He also says now Ive threatened to walk out it will all be different; that he'll change because he has to. But, I truly dont know… I feel like we were here before but it was ten times less than it is now. Perhaps enough is enough? Perhaps I'm just really feeling every little problem because I AM isolated and not working and in a strange environment. It could be as he wonders- he's depressed – but even on wondering that his reaction isn't to go to the doctors here to resolve it… it's more of an excuse. And one he used before when we split up over his lack of appreciation for me as a person.
I just feel I've given this relationship every chance – we moved here for him to be home and for us to have a better lifestyle. Any viewpoints would be appreciated… how do you decide when its time to jack it in?
MartinKeymasterDecember 21, 2011 at 1:59 amPost count: 250
Honestly, you've already decided it's over. It's really a matter of the execution now.
He's a grown guy who is treating both you and himself like crap. The relationship has failed to blossom and grow and instead has rotted at the roots. He needs to support you in many areas including emotional stability etc and has basically screwed that up too.
He's wearing you down and abuse your love. Time for get out of this subtle ‘bad boy' relationship and get someone who can actually appreciate the beauty that is you.
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