MartinKeymasterOctober 6, 2010 at 1:22 amPost count: 250
From my last post on Winning In Dealing With Divorce – Part 5 – Improvement and Negotiation, there’s often a really big emotion to overcome and that’s:
Guilt raises it’s ugly head in all manner of forms when you're having to deal with a divorce. You might have been the one to initiate the divroce proceedings and that often leaves a person feeling guilty.
Face up to reality that partnerships regularly run a course and simply end for many reasons.
Those reasons are not important (apart from learning).
Let go of any guilt you’ve built up so you’re not ending up making compromises from a purely emotional point of view. Sometimes you’ll find the other party trying to get the upper hand in a property settlement is they’re aware you’re feeling guilty. Refer back to Winning In Dealing With Divorce – Part 5 – Improve on negotiating a mutually satisfactory settlement without emotion.
Certainly do consider your future when you have pangs of guilt.
Your future will involve another person to care for and having your guilt (which you’re getting rid of) played upon will almost certainly impinge on financial responsibilities, moving forward. Obviously, you should be considerate and thoughtful if children are involved when it comes to child support funds and again, that’s negotiation again.
Any family unit that’s splitting up, through a divorce, is likely to have kids involved and your children are vitally important to protect against both emotional and financial harm.
Cover the subject of your children’s protection when you going through that level headed negotiation phase with your ex-partner. Children these days are used to the concept of divorce and being a part of a two family situation – certainly discuss that with them and give them credit for understanding.
Go through a frank and honest discussion with them whilst navigating away from the subject of diecting blame on any partner’s side – that’s a negative aspect and unnecessary.
You’ll look worse off if your child sees your blaming their own mother for something – keep it the conversation light and positive. Remember, they’re probably going through their own level of emotional confusion and hurt so keep your eye on the ball ensuring reassurance and effective discipline are the outcomes.
Your children are one of your most important assets during a marriage and that remains in place for a divorce. Without overcompensating through spoiling them, they’ll need love and attention through the term of a divorce and effective coaching and guidance when the physical split and move occurs.
Richard YiapParticipantOctober 10, 2010 at 12:32 pmPost count: 7
This is the latest trend in marital separations where both parents work out what is best for the children. The Australian Institute of Family studies have done long term longitudinal studies on divorced families and have shown that children function better in 2 separate happy homes than the one dysfunctional one where there is either open conflict or silent passive aggression.
Children are sensitive and intuitive and know what is going on. Parents cannot hide what is under the surface as the children just know. Sure, there is a period of instability where the children feel the emotional roller coaster of any separation. However, this can be minimised by both parties working for the betterment of the children and avoiding using them as a lever to get at the other party.
It took my son at 13 six months to get over my separation and he is now very settled and contented young man doing extremely well in school and life. During the six months, he went through a phase of being angry with me. This is a natural sequence of events and he got over it in time.
I know of husband & wife who have worked out living separate lives under the same roof while the children are young as part of the co-parenting arrangement. Their children know about the situation, understand and are happy that both parents are still in the same house, sleeping in separate rooms.
MartinKeymasterOctober 10, 2010 at 1:07 pmPost count: 250
Thanks so much on the comment, Richard.
Totally agree with yours also. Providing the continued love is there as well as the trust and nurturing, kids will see the truth that underlies the situation. It's a learning phase for both them as well as the separated parents as well.
Fantastic reading your insights on the site thus far – very cool, mate.
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