infidelity - do you check for telltale marks of cheating?

Cheating Can Be Different, Can’t It?

Well here’s an interesting conversation I just had with my second wife, Pam – it was around what she thought as cheating.

The night wore on and we all ended up in some seedy downstairs Strip Joint.

We were having a wine after we both got home from work and were chatting about the various behaviours of cheating in other countries.

I was indicating her home country of South Africa had a larger prevalence to males cheating on their partners and she suggested that was pretty much on par for all countries.

Anyway as we talked, she recalled a story I told her a year or so ago about a late night staff outing in the Brisbane Central Business District.


Many Years Ago

About 20 years ago, I was out with a bunch of work colleagues for a few drinks.

A few drinks turned into many drinks, as is often the case. We’re having a good fun time as we went from bar to bar.

The night wore on and we all ended up in some seedy downstairs Strip Joint.

Dark and some of those strippers had tight young bodies and quite an age on their face. Ever seen a stripper wearing sandals? That was funny indeed.

Anyway, we were all on the dance floor and having a good time.

Then the moment this conversation is all about. I gave one of my female peers (who I’ve known for many years) a French Kiss that lasted all of a few seconds.

demi moore in striptease


What’s The Problem?

So here we go.

  • I had no intention of anything sexual, none
  • It was a kiss, though I’m sure there was some saliva exchanged
  • Myself, I thought it was an innocent event – though inappropriate


The Other Side

So my wife suggests, in her mind, that it’s an affair.

  • Turning it around on me, would I like it if she did that
  • It wasn’t an innocent kiss on the cheek but a full kiss on the mouth
  • The above point certainly points to something more than innocence



The Retort

Well, those are certainly valid points which I can understand.

With that said, if she did do the same thing, I’d be asking questions to better understand the circumstances.

  • Yeah, a full kiss on the lips is inappropriate.
  • Did she take it further?
  • What was the intention?
    • So did she want to screw the guy?
    • If that was totally out of her thoughts, whilst being an inappropriate event, I can’t see it as an affair. It’s a somewhat innocent thing that shouldn’t have happened, regrettable and nothing sexual in mind or body.


When Is It An Affair Then?

For my understanding, it simply has to be in the intention.

And the intention needs to be willfully seeking something you could get within your relationship with your partner.

By that, I mean, you’re intentionally seeking sexual gratification or companionship.

If the innocent kiss also had an attached notion of playing the female into something sexual at a latter time, that would certainly have been involving cheating. In my case, we laughed it off the next day and continued with our lives.

Still being good work mates, from that time forward.


Intention and Willful Thought

Check out a post I did sometime back on Top Reasons Why People Cheat and check out the main reasons why it generally happens.

Point is, there has to be intention behind the thoughts to betray your partner as opposed to an innocent act that might well be simply inappropriate.


Speak Your Mind, With Your Opinion

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  • Can an innocent French Kiss be cheating if it had a lack of betrayal intention?
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And thanks for reading too – Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

When Is It Actually Cheating? 1

Enjoying newly found freedoms in South-East Asia, Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company. I’ll talk and try to help anyone.
Drop me a message and let’s start there, OK?

Martin Cooney – who has written posts on GeekandJock.

12 thoughts on “When Is It Actually Cheating?”
  1. Cheating is saying or doing something that u would not say or do in front of ur partner/spouse the question is if ur wife was there would u have ‘French kissed’ a colleague!

    1. Personally, I don’t agree with your definition of cheating to start with, Nik – though if the explaination suits your life and partner then that’s good too.
      If I was asked did I french kiss a collegue, at the time, I would have said I did and explained the circumstances. At the time, I certainly didn’t have cheating or a mindset to cheat and (in my mind) there wasn’t any cheating going on.
      If it wasn’t a kiss but holding her waist for 30 seconds and I didn’t tell my wife, is that cheating?
      It’s an interesting scenario though so I’d love to hear more from you on this.

  2. Yes, I would have been upset if my husband did something like that. Would I feel betrayed? Yes. Would I call it cheating? No. It may raise my suspicions, but my relationship is built on trust and the ability to forgive.

    I wouldn't call it cheating, I would call it very inappropriate and if it happened again I would probably be MUCH more upset.

    Another issue more and more people are talking about is emotional relationships. I have known many girls who would meet a guy online and become very close. No sexual relationship, just becoming very emotionally close and I have seen guys call it cheating. What is your opinion on that?

    Personally, I think it depends on exactly how far things go. Does it cause her to start keeping secrets? Is she spending more time talking to this other man? Is it causing strain in the relationship and if so is she going to continue?

    1. I’d like to add here that since this event occurred more than 20 years ago, I’ve grown as a human being and since that marital divorce have soul searched and, in my opinion, gained greater understanding of what it’s like to be a man acting above reproach in a loving and trusting relationship. That’s actually why I started this relationship based website, in fact.

      Anyway, onto the emotional relationship point you’ve raised. It’s really like a long distance relationship, if you ask me. In this instance though, the distance is sexual only.

      Looking back on a post I did on Long Distance Relationships, you can see that my wife and I started it all totally online, as in your example.

      Why is this important? Well, it’s based on the intention as opposed to anything physical. Thinking about another person with an intent of secrecy around an attachment is still cheating, in my opinion. Whether you physically fuck or mentally fuck, it’s still fucking and therefore still cheating.

      1. I agree that intent is important when it comes to cheating. I would classify a kiss like that to be inappropriate and a mistake, not as cheating.

        The thing is, even if I wouldn't call it cheating, it could still have a lot of the same effects on a relationship. Just something to note.

  3. Very great post for both men and women to see why men cheat. I think cheating is a very cultural thing too. In cultures where men are sees as more dominant cheating isn't viewed as big a deal as in cultures that men and women are seen as equals.

    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Robbie and welcome back, mate.

      While this recounted a personal experience which has never before or since occurred, there’s probably something in here for both genders.

      Women are the same as men when it comes to cheating on partners – though maybe better at it since they’re also far better at keeping secrets and thinking about long term consequences :)

      You do highlight an interesting point on the cultural aspect too. Though, would it be more a fact that male dominant cultures turn a blind eye to infidelity?

      I’m sure the partner being cheated on would have the same feelings as those in less male dominated cultures but aren’t ‘allowed’ to express their betrayal, anger and sadness openly. Which is sad.

  4. It sounds like you lost the *intention* to protect your relationship. It was infidelity. If you're not protecting your relationship, then you might as well expect to betray your wife. Failure to plan for events such as this party is planning to fail.

    1. Thanks for your honest feedback, Erin and welcome to the site.

      I’d disagree though

      I’d be interested to better understand why you think an inappropriate one-off kiss of a second or two, with zero intention before or after could be construed as infidelity? Sure, it was inappropriate, I take that onboard as well as admit it.

      What I know in my heart was the lack of intention towards any sort of betrayal of trust, loyalty or companionship. When there’s a lack of intent such as this, I’d love to understand why you think the way you do.

      Do you have some historical experience that relates to this? I’s love to know more

    2. Your statement "If you're not protecting your relationship…." really resonates with me. I'm in the middle of ending a relationship of 2.5 years where 'innocent' things would happen but I couldn't really call it cheating because he had no intention of doing anything with anyone else, that he loved and wanted to be with only me.

      Regardless of the intentions he had, he was not protecting our relationship.

      1. Thanks for your comment, Ana.

        I'm curious as to the sort of 'innocent things' that have been happening to cause you to end a 2.5 year relationship?

        If you know he only had you in his heart, what is your rationale in him not protecting the relationship? Did you take an active part in the protection as well? Did you call him out on these innocent things?

        1. It's a good question because, honestly, when I look at each individual thing, it wasn't a huge betrayal of trust or crossing boundaries by very far. Just enough to make me pause and ask what it meant – him feeling up a woman at a party, as an example, was embarrassing for me and I felt disrespected. So the discussion was had, what exactly did it mean? Was he attracted to her? Did he just not care how it would affect me? Yes, these questions were answered: It meant nothing, he wasn't attracted to her, and EVERYONE knew that we were together so why would it affect me in any way at all?? I was clearly being too insecure.

          Unfortunately, it was the frequency of these things rather then the nature, that made it difficult to deal with. I got emotionally tired of asking, of wondering. After a while, the words of me being the only one for him didn't add up to the same affect as his repeated actions.

          By the end, I just felt disrespected and taken advantage of. Worse, I actually started to feel resentful for having modified MY behaviour to make HIM feel safe – if it was a choice between doing something that would make him feel secure in my commitment or hurting his feelings, there was no question what I would do.

          At some point in a committed relationship, there needs to be a mutual understanding that you will meet each other's needs. That means you accept each other's needs and respect them and whatever they are, doing so will go a long way in protecting the relationship despite mistakes happening.

          Each relationship is different as every person's needs are different. But the basic principle remains the same: respect for what the other person needs and giving them the trust that you will do your best to meet them.

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