divorce can be avoided at all costs

We all have crap that happens in our relationships

Relationships that are ending is a very sad scenario.

Divorce is a harsh reality.

Negative emotion permeates every corner of the home.

Children can be adversely affected since they’re often the pawns of this ‘man against woman’ chess game.

The entire situation plunges into an ever downward spiral.


Get Out of Your Own Way

As a glowing example of relationship excellence as we might appear (smiles), my second wife Pamela Allen and I have been through some terrible arguments.

And so bad that it’s looked like we were going to end things … a number of times.

Yeah, they got to the point of actually talking about what we need to do to break up, split up assets and go our separate ways.


In a relationship, and I mean in any relationship, situations arise where your mind gets blocked by negative thoughts. We were no different and the thing is, they’re usually trivial small issues.

Your thoughts are focussed on terminating the situation and getting the hell out of there. No one wants to be in a frustrating partnership. You’re both looking for a quick answer. And because you associate the negativity with a person, the easiest solution you arrive at is ridding your life of that other person.

You are actually acting irrationally!

I’ll repeat, we’ve been there a number of times ourselves so this irrational behavior is somewhat normal but it’s still irrational.

Why Arguing Couples Head For Divorce And How To Avoid It 1
You can only think of getting out
You SHOULD be thinking about how to get back in!


Options Can Be Positive, Once You Take A Breath

So again from personal experience, you both need to ask a different questions of each other.

Reframe time

Instead of:

“How do we separate as best we can so we can both be happy, once more”

Ask this question:

“What do we need to do to keep our relationship so we can both be happy, once more”

Subtle but you need to refocus

Let’s take that breath now and weigh up the Pros and Cons that will be common across most situations.


  • Everyone is going to end up hurt
  • You’ll end up fighting even more …
    • divorce often ends in bickering over assets
  • Children involved can be hurt too
  • Trust in future relationships will be an issue for you
  • You’ll end up with self-doubt
  • Someone’s got to find another place to live and it might be you
    • even more hassles
  • Add some more emotional baggage to your list
  • You’re likely to want to come out as the ‘winner’ too.
    • With this in mind, you’re going to end up actually hurting your partner and that’s deplorable.
  • You’ll end up forcing any mutual friends to ‘pick a side’.



  • Grow your love
  • Become better connected, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and physically
    • as an individual and a couple
  • Move forward in life with someone you can trust.
  • Improve your family’s foundation
  • A balanced family unit for your children’s growth and relationship education
  • Better financial stability
  • Ongoing support from friends and relatives
  • Your communication techniques improve with your partner
  • Future arguing turns into healthy non-confrontational debates
  • Magic!


What’s The Lesson In All This?


When you get into a nasty or negative argument, take a breath and ask a different question.

And a question with only positive outcomes and mindset.


Avoid and Be Happy

As an example, my wife and I have a female friend who’s about to embark on separation and divorce.

As it goes, we got the message she and her husband have spoken about their troubled marriage and decided that it’s over and they need to divorce.

They focussed on the negatives in their relationship and the problems were the focal points of the discussion.

Where else is that chat going to lead but to divorce and the sad end to something with the potential of greatness.

Yeah sure, they have marriage challenges.


  • They haven’t sought any professional help
  • They failed to engage any friends, with a specific path and mindset to fix things
  • They’ve hit some bumps in the marriage which has unfortunately steered things downhill, instead of taking decisive action to find mutual solutions
  • They got into their partnership for reasons. Love, attraction, mutual goals, and many more.
    • Those are foundational elements
    • Foundations are the pillars and building blocks for higher achievements
  • Without both of them agreeing to at least explore a ‘fix’, things are just going to go to crap


Why Arguing Couples Head For Divorce And How To Avoid It 2
This is the place you want to end up
Ask that question next time, OK?


What About You?

Have you ever gotten into a downward spiral?
What have you done to get out of it?
Express your thoughts, in the comments below.

Why Arguing Couples Head For Divorce And How To Avoid It 3

Enjoying newly found freedoms in South-East Asia, Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company. I’ll talk and try to help anyone.
Drop me a message and let’s start there, OK?

Martin Cooney – who has written posts on GeekandJock.

11 thoughts on “Why Arguing Couples Head For Divorce And How To Avoid It”
  1. It can be challenging but anything worth having is worth fighting for. I have found that a good way to avoid arguments is to ask a question of yourself before you react to a comment made.
    The question is…”is this really important?”
    If the answer is yes, we’re about to fly off a cliff as we have taken the wrong detour and we’ll all crash and burn a horrible death at the bottom, then it’s important to challenge the other person. If it’s merely you attempt at boosting your ego by proving your right (and lives won’t be lost) then you can let it slide. I could be wrong but often arguments often come when we MAJOR in the MINORS we get hung up on the small things!

  2. Hi,

    I know it’s always a two-way street and neither partner can absolve his/her self from the blame when the relationship sours. But how do you even begin the solution finding process when both are already defensive and tend to pass the buck? I find that this is the biggest hurdle to just even sitting calmly and soberly discussing the problems of their relationship.

    1. Great question, Amy.

      > You can not get what you’ve never had unless you’re willing to do what you’ve never done.

      It’s always going to be a change in mindset and approach. One partner HAS to be the first in knowing the approach needs to change. And the change needs to be determined as all people are different.

      Think of yourself as to what’s the trigger in your head that aggravates your temper. Ok, now when a flare up in the relationship happens, take and hold a breathe for a few seconds and mentally say to yourself … ‘Calm … Let’s just sit down’.

      Explain to your partner you both need to sit down and work through the issue. Here’s where you need to to be one to adopt a different strategy. Explain that too. Explain you both need to find a better way. 

      I might not work the first time either and that’s OK. Keep looking for the better approach. Remain positive, calm and solution focused. Blame gains nothing except further inflammation.

  3. Sometimes, I think that couples tend to overuse divorce. It’s actually sad how they can’t even just try so hard to patch things up before even deciding to get a divorce. I do believe it takes years of trying before actually deciding to get it, not months like what other couples usually do.

    1. Oh, for sure, Elena.
      I’d like to hear your view on why though.

      Mine is our current society tends to breed the fast food option to almost everything, marriage included. Quickie weddings and quickie divorces and then quickie relationships, as well.

      Certainly agree that any sort of stable and healthy relationship comes from years in the making and years in it’s construction and direction.

      1. Well, I just observed how a lot of couple these days get married for only a short period of time and then they get divorced. Then when they find someone else, they get married again. It’s like divorce is the number one option for an easy way out. Why can’t they just try to be in a long term relationship first than getting married too soon?

        1. Oh yeah, divorce is over used and a quick fix for a deeper problem.

          Funnily enough, when those couples do marry again, it’s usually to the same type of person as the first person they married. Do you find that?

          Check this article for my opinion on why that is. Interested in your viewpoint.

  4. Married couples who opt for a divorce is really a sad story, and for me, the children (if they have any) are the ones who suffer the most. I have friends who are in broken families, and there are times that they end up having broken families as well, which is a really really sad cycle. I’m glad my parents have stuck with each other through thick and thin, and even if they are not entirely perfect parents in the whole world, they are my parents who have loved and will always love me and my siblings.

    1. Welcome to the site, Felicia.
      Divorce is certainly a finality that has the potential to create even more negativity, for sure. While its usually a knee jerk reaction, the majority of couples in trouble don’t explore their full range of options in mending their marriage and instead opt for the easy way out.

      Married couples came together for reason – those reasons are probably still there but buried because of their current woes. It’s a matter of finding your way and uncover them again.

      What sort of reasons have you found that the people you know have split up?

      1. Hello again,
        My answer to your question “What sort of reasons have you found that the people you know have split up?”

        The number 1 reason is financial difficulties, which actually leads to abusive relationships (such as women and children being abused by frustrated husbands or fathers). This results to couples splitting up, with children suffering in the end.

        Another common reason is when the man is having an affair with another woman. Same goes with this scene, the children are the ones who suffer.

        1. Yes, financial woes probably are No. 1 – lots of potential stress and stain there.

          Though I read your reply and wonder whether you think men are the cause of break-ups?
          ‘women and children being abused’
          ‘man is having an affair’

          Would it surprise you that women can be just as abusive (though more emotionally) as men: and women are involved and commit adultery on almost the same level as guys do?

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