I Love Her But I Don’t Like Her

Real beauty really is deeper than just skin deep.

This is a popular search term we get on the site, mainly to this relationship forum question by an anonymous person needing some help.

What is interesting is the question involves a ‘her’ so these searches are coming from guys.

There’s are two reasons why guys have this question.

I’d love to hear your agreement or disagreement in the comments, once you’ve pondered on what I have to say.


So here goes:

Reason No. 1 – Lust versus Love

love vs lust - like or love

Make no mistake – a guy will totally love you if you lust after him
We’re all wired differently

You know it.

Guys are predominately visual creatures.

When you take this into consideration, men could think they’re madly in love with what a woman looks like. That’s simply lusting after her external bits and pieces. Curvy bosoms and hips. Silky hair. Clear and radiant skin and complexion. The type of woman he simply keeps his eyes on.

But do you know what’s missing?


He Doesn’t Like Her Personality

Yep. It’s not until you get to actually know a person that you discover whether they really have something to offer.

By offer, I mean whether they float your boat. Not many of us can stand talking to a brick wall for too long. Longevity in any relationship relies upon a great flow of conversation between two people.

If you guys think you love a woman by her looks then think again.

It’s unlikely to last for long unless they have an engaging personality – a personality that is right for you.

If you haven’t approached her yet, go ask her for a coffee and see what pops out when you ask her details of what she likes in life.

That’ll be your first hint.


Reason No. 2 – Personality versus Physical Fault

Personality versus Physical

Some have zero personality and others are busting out on body.
It can be a tough obstacle for a guy … with doubts

This reason could be construed as almost the opposite of Reason 1, though there are a number of subtle but distinctly important differences.

A guy is in a relationship and has a deep connection with his lady.

But he has mind-talk going on inside the head.

  • Is there someone better than her out there for me?”
  • “We have a few disagreements so maybe she isn’t right for me”
  • “I wonder if I could find someone who has a better body?”
  • “I’m in a comfortable situation with XXXX but is there more adventure with someone else?”


He Wonders About a Better Body or Adventure

At some point in a guy’s life and relationship (same for women but for different), something will happen to make him wonder whether he’s doing the right thing, as far as a relationship goes – and the woman he’s picked, as well.

It might be seeing a fleeting sight of something gorgeous to the eye – and you know that gets quickly registered, in the male memory.

What could be more highly probable is his sexual un-happiness.

The majority of females are clueless when it comes to understanding just how closely a man’s feeling of being loved is tied and intertwined with his sex life.

It’s major, ladies!

By major, I mean frequency of sex (and him knowing he’s loved) and you being an active participant to clearly demonstrate you love sex and lovemaking with him.

Much like how women get that feeling of a lack of love from their man, in non-intimate times, a guy’s view on love is very much sexual. Nothing you can do about that – it’s how both genders are wired so it’s about coping, adjusting, and giving.

Lack of sex will very often lead to wandering eyes. So he’ll love you from a mental perspective but not like you on a number of fronts as his sexual and love needs remain unfulfilled (in his mind).


Restoring Liking Her as Well as Loving Her

love her and like her with realignment

This is easier than you think.
Reframing your thoughts, actions, and outlook.
… this is for women too

For a Guy:

It’s time to evaluate your internal thoughts and headspace.

Being constantly obsessed with her faults leads you down the path of continual negativity.

That’s going to get you nowhere but grief.

So sit your arse down and complete a list of at least 20 areas you like about her. This is aimed at getting you refocused on how she is beautiful. It needs to be a big list to allow your brain to expand into dimensions you may not have thought of.

Here are some examples that might help get you started:

  • I love how she holds out her delicate fingers when picking up a fork
  • I love her cute perky nipples
  • The nape of her neck is so deliciously kissable
  • I’ve just realized I can’t help but stare at her sexy bum – what a turn-on
  • I love drifting off to sleep as I simply smell her fragrance on the bed. I just love the very smell of her
  • She has the most gorgeous eyes
  • I love her cute ear lobes
  • ….. you get the idea? Only concentrate on the positive things. Everyone has negatives. Rarely do we take the time to focus on a person’s attributes and make that real in our heads.

How does she look in your eyes? That needs to be refocused on a holistic approach.

Real beauty really is deeper than just skin deep. Most people discover that as they get older and gather a few wrinkles and body areas start to sag. Attraction shifts to a whole different (and higher) level then.


For a Gal:

This is certainly not about him having an affair or leaving you. I’m talking about safeguarding a special guy in your life, with the view to your relationship’s continuity and perpetual happiness.

  • Keep a vigil on your guy becoming disconnected from your relationship.
  • Just how actively involved are you in your mutual (I said mutual) sex life?
    • Stand back and look from the outside. Are you a participant or a spectator? Avoid the latter.
  • Do you talk with him about his inner feelings?
  • Are you always 100% transparent and verbal?
    • A lack of trust/honesty/communication can lead to him wanting to explore it elsewhere.

At the end of the day, it’s about communicating.

He might be the silent type or you might be. Whoever is, is irrelevant – the big picture is for each other’s love areas to be catered for and without reservation and with understanding and love.


Over To You

Now that we’ve reached the bottom, here’s what you can do next:

  • Do you better understand how a guy could love and not like?
  • What other areas should either a woman or man think about?
  • Go check out my review on The Inner Lives of Men too? You’ll be glad you did, whether you’re a woman or man.
  • Click one of the Share buttons – your friends can then read this article too.

And thanks for reading too – I’ll see you in the comments.


I Love Her But I Don’t Want To Be With Her 1

Enjoying newly found freedoms in South-East Asia, Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company. I’ll talk and try to help anyone.
Drop me a message and let’s start there, OK?

Martin Cooney – who has written posts on GeekandJock.