The Truth About Men
Men notice and store images without thinking and those images get recalled without any conscious effort or thought.
Without putting too fine a point on it, women might think that a short skirt and revealing blouse makes them look pretty and beautiful which they do.
From the masculine gender’s point of view though, the male eye instantly notices these things and they get stored.
Visuals and the Next Step
But do women actually know that those same eyes extrapolate the vision even further?
With those highly visual eyes and a mix of testosterone, it’s also likely that the woman with the plunging neckline has just been mentally undressed.
If she’s walking down the street in the City Centre, it’s probable that that woman has been mentally undressed by a hundred guys.
Do you have young daughters who wear short pants and tight-fitting tops?
You can probably understand why Fathers are more vocal about their daughters covering up ‘their bits’ as they well know what hormone-fueled young males will be thinking about.
I’m sure many feminists are likely to shout me down as they’d think that mindset belongs back in the stone-age BUT that’s just how our wiring is, plain and simple.
The only thing that feminism has done to those thought patterns is to lock them away in the ‘Man Vault’, where we rarely take them out.
What’s a Man Vault?
I’m going to let you ladies in on a secret.
And it’s secret men carry with them always.
A secret you might have some sort of idea but didn’t really understand the extent of it.
The vast majority of guys are very visual. You might not have ever noticed your male partner suddenly jerking his head away as you were walking along, have you? Maybe he doesn’t but this leads into what that ‘Male Vault’ is all about.
The wiring inside a man’s head continually captures images. Men have little control over the process. That lack of control extends to past images popping into their heads.
It’s more prevalent in younger males but older guys are similarly affected.
You Thought Guys Were Just Perverts?
Perverts? Not so.
As an example, I know of many other guys I’ve spoken to about that male visual vault.
Wow, that chick is one for the ‘spank bank’!
That’s a popular expression a few past colleagues had fun in yelling.
While I am very mindful and respectful in trying to avoid snapping these images in the company of my wife, today’s environment of sexual freedom, expression, and all the provocative advertising imagery make it so freaking difficult to avoid ‘snapping into the spank bank’.
To be honest, the only images I’d like in there are those of my wife – the one person in the world that I want to know everything about me (and should).
Impact On a Woman Partner
Interestingly though, the majority of wives and girlfriends also have their own self-image challenges.
Oddly enough, my second wife Pam Allen suggests she doesn’t – indicating she feels no hurt or internal dialogue if I were to linger on looking at another woman in the street.
That’s certainly the exception to the rule as well as being somewhat odd.
Most women are bombarded on a daily basis by media and peer pressures in having to be of a certain body type, breast size, facial feature, or hairstyle.
They then have to internally compete with their man’s attention with other shapely and attractive alternatives that are in constant view and which wives internally believe they’re unable to compete with.
That’s a lot of pressure.
While a man is wired in a certain way, there’s also a responsibility to aim at controlling the urge as well as respect for their lady and the protection of her self-confidence.
Speak Your Mind, With Your Opinion
Nice to see you made it to the end of the post. Here’s what you can do next:
- What’s your view on a man’s wiring?
- Does there need to be some thought given, on what a woman wears?
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And thanks for reading too – Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
31 thoughts on “Understanding the Male Radar”
It is a double standard. GOOD guys can control the urge to look, but it takes having a sense of purpose to think this way. Getting a good woman is usually that purpose. Boys think with their dicks (want to fuck everything) no matter what unless controlled by their mother or religion, so normally women in order to get ahead and be “hot” must think with men’s dicks as well, ie be “hard to catch,” be spank bank material, and play into the illusion that men perceive love to be. Sex and love do NOT go together. Love says “I think you are the best for me” and stops with that person. If that relationship progresses then sex is just the tip of the iceberg and not more. There is no “spank bank” or even desire to look in GOOD men.
Thanks for your visit and ‘interesting’ comments, Mara
I’m not sure where you’re getting your information from but boys don’t want to fuck everything – maybe you’re mixing in the wrong circles or reading too many Cleo mags?
Honestly, your comments sound like you’ve been recently hurt in a relationship.
If you really do wish to better understand what ‘GOOD’ men think, read this review and eBook (which was written by a woman) and take the enlightened path.
This was yet another A+ post. I tried to watch the Youtube video, however, it said it had been removed by the user. Is there any chance you may have another link or if you could possibly tell me what I’d need to search to see it. The curiosity is killing me!
Sorry about that, Jack. Not sure the exact video but changed it on the post to another that still reflects the spirit.
Thanks too for pointing that out, my friend.
I’ve never considered myself to be a jealous partner at all. I do completely understand though how some women who may not be as secure within their relationships and possibly within themselves find it difficult to process when their man ‘looks’ at another woman.
I did read something like this several years ago and having a keen interest in psychology I have seen similar topics and studies mentioned in the past. At the end of the day the only thing a man can really control is how well he HIDES this natural instinct. I have a real problem with a select few women out there who feel the need to control what their partners are and are not allowed to look at (and this includes certain pornography which is an entire response within itself,) and by doing so further the stereotype of the ‘controlling, bitchy, jealous woman/girlfriend.’
I hope some of these women read this post Geek and realise that their partners are not the dirty, ‘horrible’ perverts they first thought.
Wow, great comment, Anita.
There’s respect for your partner and there’s also a healthy outlook on what’s a natural instinct and your partner having a respect for that and what your actions are to minimise any hurt she may feel – which is also a natural response.
No man wants to live with a controlling bitch. And no woman (I think) wants to be one. Harmony and respect.
nice article and moment of truth to educate everyone on some of the inner workings of us deep thinking blokes! From a bloke – it's ok to have a look, I love women's shapes and love the effort so many go to in dressing lovely and am always impressed with the effort many yummy mummies go in keeping a real mother-nature healthy shape. I have no problems when my wife checks out a fit buffed guy, keeps me on my toes and gets me back into training. If she really wanted a piece of them she would and there'd be nothing I could do to stop her, so better to respect her as a loving mother and wife and do all I can to make every day a happy and loving one! Chill ladies!
Hey surfyn and welcome back, mate.
Now I must say, that's a fantastic mindset to have when it comes to your actions and what you control you have over your partner – you don't have any. That's really how it should be i.e. she doesn't have to be with you AS OPPOSED TO she wants to be with you.
That redefines a relationship. It redefines what you do. It redefines why you do things. It redefines your mindset and your view of your partner and the world.
My recent post 7 Foolproof Ways to Spot a Good Man
Good point Surfyn…. I must point out how you mentioned that if your wife checks out another guy you don't mind but it "keeps you on your toes" & makes you want to hit the gym & get into better shape. See, it affects you in the same manner it does women, makes you feel like you're not good enough, hence you have to "get back into training". Not a bad thing, but my point is it brings about the same emotion in you that it does in us women. Women think "My man is looking at another women so I must not be in good enough shape so I better go workout more etc, etc" …..just sayin! You men can say all you want about this topic but your post there proved in itself it affects us all the same way…men just don't have to worry about it as much because women just don't check out other men as much as men check out other women. Just our different natures.
I had another thought today as a comparison for how it might make men feel if their woman was constantly checking out the goods in other men. For me, the fact that my husband constantly wants to look at other women & cannot help but look because it's such a feat not to, makes me feel threatened & like I am not good enough. I often wonder how it would make my man feel if he felt like I was constantly comparing him to other men that were more successful or wealthy or more handsome & have me admiring that constantly in other men – very similar to him constantly admiring other beauty. I assume that he would feel threatened & "less than", just as I do when he is checking out the goods on another female. It just isn't fair & I wouldn't do something like that to him because it would hurt him, but women are supposed to just accept the fact that men "can't help it" when they look at other women. It's just a double standard. And it's funny to me that men cannot figure out why women are insecure…it stems from this kind of stuff. And then expect us to be very secure & tell us how being confident is so sexy in a woman. It's a mixed message there!
Sure, if you'd prefer to punish him instead of understand him, go right ahead.
Fact is women do look at other men and some women do take action on those feelings too – affairs have two people involved. Please don't go suggesting that it's only the male gender that are weak of flesh as that would be plain wrong.
Women are insecure for all manner of reasons, and I'd admit one potentially is partners looking at other women. That was one of the reasons I wrote this blog post – to give an insight, to explain the reason and allow women to better understand those reasons and their men and lessen the insecurity as it then doesn't mean it's impactful on the relationship.
My recent post Top 5 Ways to Make It In A Long Distance Relationship
I believe you yourself were the one who originally posted about men & how they are very weak of flesh & cannot help but look at other women & not only do you look, you mentally undress them & then think about what it would be like to have sex with them. Women don't have that problem, it's very rare that a woman breaks her neck to see a hot guy. Sure, we admire handsome hunks, but we don't have a problem not looking either. For women it's kind of a take it or leave it thing. Men, as you posted yourself, don't have that control, their urge is too strong. So I do believe men are much weaker of the flesh in that regard. I agree with you that women can be as weak when it comes to affairs – it takes 2, but we are talking about mens visual "spank banks" in this blog – not cheating …women don't have "spank banks". I'm sorry if I sound bitter, unfortunately after being with my husband, who is very different than men of my past, I have really lost respect for men. Like I said, I have never been with another man that was more interested in looking at other women when we go out than he is & he is usually sitting next to the most attractive woman in the room (me) about 90% of the time. So it is really a sore spot with me. As much as I have tried to understand it & be "okay" with it, I still think it's extremely disrespectful first & foremost & it is quite embarrassing also because there are times that the women he is looking at actually notice! And mind you, we have had many discussions about it. There is nothing I can do about it anymore other than try to ignore it but it will always bother me & always be disrespectful, he has tried to be better about it but it is still VERY noticeable when he looks then looks again then looks again…hard to hide. I guess he has zero self control & not a lot of respect for me.
Actually, I didn't post that they think about having sex with women that they look at.
But come on, women stare at guys – I've personally been in the company of women who ogle at guys walking past. You can't tell me they're not thinking sexual thoughts at some point.
That said, there does need to be aspects of respect for your partner. Respect and explanation on actions always needs to happen. Your husband needs to concentrate more on the respect side as well as reinforce your relationship and what you mean to him.
I do think you have a mental stumbling block that you do need to work on. From what you've said thus far, there's a hang-up on you being the better looking woman in room. Sounds extremely competitive and is impacting on your relationship.
My recent post How Fighting Can Actually Be Good
Good point, I do think I have a stumbling block, not about being competitive but rather respected. And maybe I want too much respect. The only reason I have said I am attractive is to point out that my husband doesn't look because I a slob that looks terrible & doesn't take care of myself. Quite the opposite. And I also point it out because I think in general, men & women think that if men end up marrying someone really attractive that somehow it would lesson the man's want/need to look at other women & that is just not the case. So that goes back to my original point that I don't think any man is completely satisfied with their wife, no matter how she looks. In the looks department anyway. There is always going to be something better to look at for them (even for a man married to a super model) & I have a hard time believing also that as men look they don't compare what they see to their own wife. I think they do compare. How could you not?
Oh great point to raise. It's irrelevant on the partner's beauty as it's an instinctive reaction so you're entirely.
However, there is NO comparison taking place either. It's instinctive to look.
My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and I still cop a glance. I never compare and it's never entered my mind to either. She's still the most beautiful and the only one for me and my world.
I wish all men were more like you but I don't think they are. I think it's great you put effort into not looking around when you are with your wife to respect her & make her feel secure. I just wish I had that as well.
I think most men tell their wife they think she is the most beautiful woman in the world but I'm not sure I believe it's really true. I think it's a romantic gesture to make their woman feel good but not truth necessarily. There are so so many beautiful women for our men to look at & admire.
Successful relationship take time, patience and effort. That's a given.
On your comment though, beauty is certainly in the eye of the beholder. One person's opinion on beauty is certainly not another's.
I value my wife and who she is. I love her and think she is the most beautiful. I tell her and express my thoughts on what she is wearing (leaving out fault) so she knows she's one sexy gal – to me anyway and that's what counts.
You're undervaluing men though. Sure, at times, they can lack emotion that women would like to see. They don't necessarily express themselves all that well, at times. But that's what makes up a man. Women do diferent things that don't make sense to men as well.
Deal with it and accept your guy does love, cherish you and think you're the most beautiful women in his world. Accept he is looking at others and tell him he needs to also show you more respect – and follow through with him when he doesn't so he learns.
My recent post Top 5 Health Benefits From Sex
Good point. I know he loves me, I have no doubt. Like I said, I never had this issue before being with him. I know men in my past looked also, they must have just been more discreet & better at hiding it. I have serious issues with men in general now though & that is a topic for a whole new blog, but that is my own issue. I try not to put all men in one category but have struggled with that lately. I just don't have as much respect for men as I used to. I think I was naive in the past.
I will tell you a story about a man I know who got married a few years ago & before he got married he told his mom that "she may not be the most beautiful girl in the world mom, but i love her"…she is an attractive, "cute" girl i would say but anyway my point is, i imagine that he does still tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world, but in reality he really doesn't think that, he told his own mother. So my point is I think that men telling women they are the most beautiful woman in the world is a romantic gesture alone. Sure, you love her & think she is beautiful but beyond that it's not total truth. But it is very nice non the less.
I appreciate your commenting with me back & forth. I need to try & rebuild my trust/respect in men as a whole. Right now even though I know my husband loves me, I still think men are visually overstimulated, sex crazed & have been told that it's ok because that is just the way it is. Men don't take responsibility for anything any more. Just use the excuse that their a man, we can't help it, that's just the way it is, it's a habit, etc etc. And society as a whole keeps feeding it to them on TV, internet, print, etc. And women are just told to deal with it, you're being too sensitive, get over it. It's definitely a man's world!
In the words of Yoda "There is no trying, only Doing".
While I think I'll write up a separate post on your story which I found quite interesting on a number of fronts, that last paragraph certainly gives me the impression there's some, in my opinion, issues that you have with men in general. That's a negative block and one that has the potential to destroy a relationship.
My recent post Review: For Women Only – Inner Lives Of Men
I agree, like I admitted I have developed a mistrust & disresprect for men in general & that it is my own issue. I would love to read your post if you do post something on that topic. I guess the bottom line is I know my husband loves me & wants me sexually but I don't believe I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him nor do I think I am the only one that does or can turn him on, that is just not reality.
Thanks for those words, cat – I’ve penned the outline of the post so hope to have it published soon(ish).
Can I suggest you sign up to our Newsletter so you can see it coming and get involved, if you care? Newsletter signup is top right of the page too.
My recent post 7 Foolproof Ways to Spot a Good Man
The other point being, yes my husband thinks I'm beautiful, he tells me all the time. Yes, we have a fulfilling sex life but I don't know if when we make love if he's thinking of me or some other "spank bank" material. This is my main point, yes, I know he loves me, yes I know he thinks i am the most beautiful woman in the world, but he also thinks there are a lot of other beautiful women in the world & he wants to look at them too & wants to make love to them too (at least in your head), so what is the diff? It just seems to me that sex & love are 2 totally different things for men, even when they are in love.
As I suggested in my previous comment, this is about looking, as in visual.
There's a vast difference between looking and doing. The urge to look isn't the same with the urge to act so perhaps that's what you might be confused on. If a man has the urge to act and take action to physically connect with another woman then that's adultery and a completely different conversation.
Your man is drawn to look. He isn't compelled or even wanting to have sex with them – he's drawn to you and you alone. Sex and love are more intertwined for men than women, just to be clear. A man feels he is loved and being loved when he's in an active sexual relationship, with a partner who finds him sexually desirable AND expresses that to him. Get that right and you've got yourself one loving guy who will always be on top of the world.
My recent post Review: For Women Only – Inner Lives Of Men
As a woman I have to disagree. Although I know very certainly that he loves me very much, I don't believe he is drawn to me & me alone. I believe men are always "drawn" to many beautiful woman they find sexually attractive, otherwise they wouldn't be "compelled" or "drawn" to look/stare. Why do men use porn so much, or go to strip joints. Because men get turned on by that, so for me to believe I am the only one that "does it" for him is unrealistic. I think the difference is he wants me to be the only one but in reality I'm not the only one. I think that is the main difference with men & women. For women, their man IS the only one that does it for them, & the only way for a woman to have another man arouse them is to have a deeper connection first. Men don't need that connection to be sexually attracted to other women. Remember, men are from mars & women are from venus :)
You know, cat, you got it all wrong.
There are male strippers and female strippers. There are male prostitutes and female prostitutes. The picture you're attempting to pain here is that all men are the same and that they would jump into bed at the first opportunity with any other woman.
Well, that's plain untrue. I've been to a strip club about twice in my entire life and those times were more than 25 years ago. Never been to one since.
While men have a compulsion to look, as I said before, that does not mean that looking means they're also fantasise about having sex with them. That's a giant leap which is untrue.
I discreetly look but there's no thought of having sex with other woman and never has.
Perhaps the men you know are completely different to the ones I do. Or maybe you're also reading more into this than is factual.
That said, I think you also need to readjust your outlook for both yourself as well as your husband as you're placing more on him than is likely to be true.
My recent post Review: For Women Only – Inner Lives Of Men
I posted here because I had trouble posting on the blog page. Thanks for the input. We have had conversations & he has been better about it in my presence which I appreciate. However, I know when I am not around he is looking at other women & that thought bothers me. From what I read (including your article) when men notice attractive women they mentally undress them & fantasize about having sex with them or store them in the spank bank if they are worthy. I don't think I will ever be good enough to keep him from wanting to look at other women & although I know "that is just the way men are" it still hurts, always will. I can no longer "compete" (as you mentioned) with the women he notices that are 20/30 something since I am in my forties, even though I am attractive "for my age". I guess me only saving grace & something that makes me feel better is knowing other men are staring at me while he is noticing other women, just seems like a vicious cycle to me though. I wish men could just be happy & satisfied with what they have, but they never are.
Hi cat. Sorry you had difficulty with the forums – that's usually just a simple matter of choosing the appropriate forum and completing the form at the bottom.
Anyways, I think you might be missing the point though. Whilst men are highly visual and have no control over the spank bank, this still means they're completely happy with their partner. There's a wide difference between looking and consciously taking action on other extra marital urges – that's most definitely wrong.
Its a fact of nature and historical breeding that this occurs. The same as the majority of women also have self image issues – it just is.
Isn't the proof in the pudding with you two guys though? He's remained faithful and, presumably, expresses his love and desire for and of you? At a base level, you really do need to push aside the requirement of needing to change a primal reflex and find gratitude in him changing in your presence – that's respect for you.
My recent post Lasting Longer in Bed is a Team Sport
Thank you for your input again. I have heard & read that men love differently than women. I would like your opinion on that as well. When men are in love & completely happy in their relationship they still have the desire or need to fantasize & look at other women. To me as a woman, it's seems like an almost insatiable need. They would literally spend hours & hours a day staring at nude women if given the opportunity & it never changes, well, maybe a little as they age & get older. But a man could literally do that for weeks upon weeks before he tired of it, if ever. Women on the other hand have far less a want or need to be stimulated by other men sexually when they are in a happy loving relationship. So to me the difference is sexual attraction. Which I guess is no surprise. Men continue to be sexually stimulated by other women & want to be, even when in love & women do not. Pretty basic, but it makes me wonder then what love really is to men. I just don't think men love like women do, so I am always curious what it's like to be a man "in love". How does it feel? How is it that you can say you "love" someone but yet would jump at the chance to be stimulated sexually by other women if it were okay & didn't hurt your partner? Or would rather stare at the woman with big breasts as she walks by than pay attention to your own wife? Or search online porn or nude photos online while your wife is sleeping in bed? All of that is just so foreign to me. Please help me understand. It seems to me that as a woman being in love involves the whole package, sex, companionship, respect, values etc. With men it seems more compartmentalized. Yes, men love women for all the same things I mentioned, but they could separate the sex part to include enjoying sex with a multitude of people if given the go ahead, but still "love" their wife. There lies the difference I think. How would you describe the difference & am I totally off base or close?
Hi again cat,
I think you're misunderstanding me here.
If a man **has** to stare at other women for hours or days then there's a real problem with the guy. There's a huge difference between sexual stimulation, as you're referring, and visual curiosity which is what this post is about.
Men love women for all the same reasons you've mentioned. Their do, however, express that love in different ways. And the really big difference in how a man perceives that he is loved by his partner and that is through sex. It's a big driver, pardon the pun. When a man is sexually satisfied by an interested partner, his 'love bank' is complete.
In a healthy relationship, men want nothing more than to see their partner's sexual needs complete and very much satisfied. You have no idea just how much we want that to happen and because when our partner love their sex lives, ours is enriched too. It's an upward spiral. So I'd be more than confident in suggesting your husband would be certainly thinking of just you in the bedroom, if your sexual relationship is as good as you say it is.
I personally have struggled with this with my husband. I am a very attractive woman (the one that is usually stared at by other men) but I have noticed my husband looking at other women. I have never been with another man that has done this & most of the time the women are what I would consider less attractive than me. So I don't understand it, probably never will & it has led to several fights between us. I feel like men are never satisfied with their woman, no matter how smoking hot they are their man always wants to look at other hot women. Why is it that men can't just be satisfied with looking at their own woman? I'm not talking about "noticing" other attractive women, but looking over & over & over. Can you explain. To me if a man is satisfied with his woman & how she looks (which I know he loves the way I look) why would he want or have the need to see other women?
Hi cat and thanks for the comment and more importantly, the questions that followed.
The inner minds of men is something I'm expanding upon all the time in the blog. For this reason, I've created a Forum post using your comment as the base so we can expand on your questions further.
Please do click on over to HERE and I'll answer and you can ask more.