I Think We Both Believed In Magic
This is going to be a disappointing read, for regular readers, so strap yourself in.
With regret, I have to announce my marriage and relationship to Pam is over.
Love can only get you so far.
Actually, it’s the start of a constant work in progress.
We started on such a high note, as can be read in the myriad of posts over the last 4 years, but regrettably, past circumstances simply can’t be forgotten or even worked on.
Action and Reaction
A total unwillingness of wanting to work at discovering something that can work.
You might have picked up the vibe over the last few months that my writing had turned to more of a reflective nature, wondering what I could do to recover our situation, into something more positive.
Suspicion, blame and a total lack of willingness has become the order of the day.
With these negative attributes being such an influence, the toll over past 2 or 3 years has meant I’ve questioned myself on whether my own actions have been true to my beliefs, on what a magical partnership should be.
I’ve recently spoken to Social Workers as well as a Psychologist, to check my path and question what I’ve attempted.
I admit that I’m giving them ‘my side’, they have been astounded by the unwillingness of wanting to work at discovering something that can work and make our relationship successful.
Getting Shutdown And Isolated
Without question, it has been a roller coaster ride, of ups and downs.
We’ve had unemployment (and the subsequent financial challenges), misunderstandings, trust issues and an ongoing suspicion that I don’t share her values.
I can cope with most hurdles in life but what cuts me to the bone is a reluctance to actively work, learn and move forward.
Most of you will have no idea what that is like.
The notion of ending my life has entered my mind, on more than a few occasions and that prompted me to see a professional.
Thank goodness I did!
Accusations, Prove Yourself And Control
Put yourself in the shoes of being labelled a sociopath, a sex addict and a control freak. And then asked whether I were sexually abused as a child and you’ll get some idea on where things have sunk.
Now, I admit, neither I or anyone else I know is the perfect person.
What I will say, unquestionably, is I wanted to try and succeed, in everything I do and everyone I am involved with, in life.
But it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?
No matter what the challenges you both face during your time together, if you aren’t facing them together then it’s a farce and it will ultimately fail.
During one recent set of accusations, I wanted to rekindle the feelings we both had for each other when we first started. Here’s my thoughts, below.
Unfortunately, no other feedback was ever forthcoming, despite my reminders that it might be a good exercise to restart things:
Deeper And Deeper Into Isolation
We all need to follow our beliefs in what makes a relationship a success.
Opinions will often differ however you have to both want to make it work.
It got to a point when I was shut down that I contacted an ex-husband to simply better understand her past and whether there was something I didn’t know that I needed to, to help us succeed.
The takeaway from those conversations was the same behaviour has been evident even with husband No #2 – and that one eventuated in divorce, with it’s failure apportioned to him being ‘controlling’.
Blame and diversion is an easy option when you’re unable (and unwilling) to learn from the past and change a ingrained flawed behaviour.
It’s been sad to be a part of, especially when you try, fail, try again and get screwed over by a partner that is unable to commit.
Truly Learn and Move Forward
It’s come to this point in our marriage a number of times during our few years together.
In hindsight, the writing was always on the wall.
With regret, it’s time to move on with whatever awaits us both.
Aggression Update 3 days later:
I hope I haven’t just been attention seeking but writing about my passion of relationships, to help others in areas I can offer some help and clarity.
Please do let me know if you think I’ve been using Pam just to seek attention though.
I think I know how mentally abused women must feel, after the subtle mind games that (I believe) have been played on me, over the last few years.
When you have a professional Psychologist tell you that a relationship is seriously broken when one partner refuses to commit and involve themselves, well, that was the turning point in knowing no matter what I tried to do, Pam would refuse to budge and continue to believe our relationship started with some lie.
Which I only discovered several weeks ago through her cousin, Maureen.
Isn’t it wonderful?