I Think We Both Believed In Magic
This is going to be a disappointing read, for regular readers, so strap yourself in.
With regret, I have to announce my marriage and relationship to Pam is over.
Love can only get you so far.
Actually, it’s the start of a constant work in progress.
We started on such a high note, as can be read in the myriad of posts over the last 4 years, but regrettably, past circumstances simply can’t be forgotten or even worked on.
Action and Reaction
A total unwillingness of wanting to work at discovering something that can work.
You might have picked up the vibe over the last few months that my writing had turned to more of a reflective nature, wondering what I could do to recover our situation, into something more positive.
Suspicion, blame and a total lack of willingness has become the order of the day.
With these negative attributes being such an influence, the toll over past 2 or 3 years has meant I’ve questioned myself on whether my own actions have been true to my beliefs, on what a magical partnership should be.
I’ve recently spoken to Social Workers as well as a Psychologist, to check my path and question what I’ve attempted.
I admit that I’m giving them ‘my side’, they have been astounded by the unwillingness of wanting to work at discovering something that can work and make our relationship successful.
Getting Shutdown And Isolated
Without question, it has been a roller coaster ride, of ups and downs.
We’ve had unemployment (and the subsequent financial challenges), misunderstandings, trust issues and an ongoing suspicion that I don’t share her values.
I can cope with most hurdles in life but what cuts me to the bone is a reluctance to actively work, learn and move forward.
Most of you will have no idea what that is like.
The notion of ending my life has entered my mind, on more than a few occasions and that prompted me to see a professional.
Thank goodness I did!
Accusations, Prove Yourself And Control
Put yourself in the shoes of being labelled a sociopath, a sex addict and a control freak. And then asked whether I were sexually abused as a child and you’ll get some idea on where things have sunk.
Now, I admit, neither I or anyone else I know is the perfect person.
What I will say, unquestionably, is I wanted to try and succeed, in everything I do and everyone I am involved with, in life.
But it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?
No matter what the challenges you both face during your time together, if you aren’t facing them together then it’s a farce and it will ultimately fail.
During one recent set of accusations, I wanted to rekindle the feelings we both had for each other when we first started. Here’s my thoughts, below.
Unfortunately, no other feedback was ever forthcoming, despite my reminders that it might be a good exercise to restart things:
Deeper And Deeper Into Isolation
We all need to follow our beliefs in what makes a relationship a success.
Opinions will often differ however you have to both want to make it work.
It got to a point when I was shut down that I contacted an ex-husband to simply better understand her past and whether there was something I didn’t know that I needed to, to help us succeed.
The takeaway from those conversations was the same behaviour has been evident even with husband No #2 – and that one eventuated in divorce, with it’s failure apportioned to him being ‘controlling’.
Blame and diversion is an easy option when you’re unable (and unwilling) to learn from the past and change a ingrained flawed behaviour.
It’s been sad to be a part of, especially when you try, fail, try again and get screwed over by a partner that is unable to commit.
Truly Learn and Move Forward
It’s come to this point in our marriage a number of times during our few years together.
In hindsight, the writing was always on the wall.
With regret, it’s time to move on with whatever awaits us both.
Aggression Update 3 days later:
I hope I haven’t just been attention seeking but writing about my passion of relationships, to help others in areas I can offer some help and clarity.
Please do let me know if you think I’ve been using Pam just to seek attention though.
I think I know how mentally abused women must feel, after the subtle mind games that (I believe) have been played on me, over the last few years.
When you have a professional Psychologist tell you that a relationship is seriously broken when one partner refuses to commit and involve themselves, well, that was the turning point in knowing no matter what I tried to do, Pam would refuse to budge and continue to believe our relationship started with some lie.
Which I only discovered several weeks ago through her cousin, Maureen.
Isn’t it wonderful?
26 thoughts on “An End To What Was The Perfect Relationship”
I truly feel very sad for you. Even after nothing is left ,some things ares still repeating . I guess it is very painful . The only thing we can do is leave the past and should start living the present fully. If we go on thinking about past then we are even gonna ruin our present too.
I think the decision of getting separated was wise as living together freely independently is better than living together unconnected and individually. Even if we compromise on some things, a time will come when every thing bursts out.
There is nothing permanent in life . I even don’t call it a perfect relationship as no one is perfect . And if it was a perfect relation then it would not have been broken. I guess the best is even still to come . So leave your past and live the present is the only thing I can tell. I surely have learned many things from you. I hope you find someone who matches you better.
Thank you for sharing.
Don’t worry at all, Sagar
I moved on past this nightmare of a relationship 6 months ago. Now living a far more happy existance in the present and amongst people with a brighter mindset and better inner soul.
Thanks for your comment and thoughts
Sorry to hear your marriage ended. I too found myself in a bad spot when a previous relationship ended. I found myself contemplating ending my life but didn’t follow through and started to see a therapist. I learned a lot about myself and emerged a stronger and smarter person. I am now in a relationship that is much better and I am so happy. I truly believe that you have to go through hell in order to find heaven.
Yeah, it is what it is, finally, Don.
A very tough and challenging past few months, for me. Discovered an enormous amount of past baggage which paved the way to the demise – that was the most heart-breaking for me.
Already much has dissolved within me, through support and various other processes so heaven is now just that much closer.
What was your most challenging time in the previous relationship, would you say, Don?
It seem like you’ve been well and truly conned by your wife from what I can see.
I find it strangely peculiar that she looks to be turning the blame back onto you, yet again with her BS text message. I think there’s some condition for people like that too.
Terrible to hear of any breakup but I think you are best served to move on from what seems like a broken woman.
I have only just heard the news. I’m so sorry.
One of the biggest losses in a breakup like this is loss of trust – not only trust in Pam, but trust in your own judgment. Our intuitions on what is right for us are so easily drowned out by the temptations of status, sex, money and convenience that we fail to pay attention to them.
I see control being mentioned here on both sides. Our take is that neither partner should try to control the other. Ever. This creates the opportunities to fully be yourself, and to appreciate the other for what they are.
So look deeply, but don’t beat yourself up too much.
So tragic. You deserve far better, Martin – Pam has just taken you for a ride.
I’ve been reading your exploits over the years and reading between the lines, it’s apparent Pam has never really been in the relationship as a normal woman should be.
From what I can see and read, Pam is the sociopath and control freak, not you. I’ve been with one and this is their behaviour to blame others, to hide themselves. A normal woman wants to succeed and work things out. She isn’t normal.
I wish you all the best for your future and I hope you’ve learnt from the deception you’ve so desperately tried to make right.
Thanks for the comment Nicky.
Yeah it is tragic to have your eyes opened to the fact that the woman you’ve so desperately tried to live with in harmony has lived her own lies and untruths as well as agendas. Seems obvious now as to why she never put any effort into healing the relationship, let alone moving forward to any success. That’s Pam’s own shit and demons to live with now though.
Thanks too for your well wishes, Nicky
I am sad to hear the pain, confusion and self doubt in your words. The support you are receiving from the group is beautiful and heart affirming and is supporting you to see that you have truly invested all your resources into the marriage and relationship and can move forward with grace and ease into the world and relationship you wish to create.
As you flow into your next connection I invite you to remember to look back..(as I am sure you have done).. to see your own patterns in relationship. This might support you in seeing why you chose Pam to lead you into your own learnings and growth…and to apply those learnings in a healthy way with your next choice of partner.
After all we choose who we love..from our own thoughts, feelings, reactions, conditioning, wounding, desires, beliefs and concepts…and to make it work we must continue to choose which of those parts we wish to retain .
Love in action is the action of loving.
May the beauty that fires your Heart heal your wounds with grace.
Thanks Keith for words of encouragement and reflection. Really appreciated.
We have a good bunch of people here.
You can count on me reflecting and learning from my mistakes which is what I’ve tried to do with Pam over our marriage and failed. But that’s a learning in itself too.
Oh my goodness this is tragic and sad, Martin. I am so sorry for you both.
I don’t want to be judgemental but I have read all your blogs and thoughts and know in my heart how you must have put every effort into saving your marriage.
I don’t know how many times Pam has been married or how many relationships she has had but it does sound like history is replaying itself for her, over and over, without her waking up to the fact that she isn’t giving herself over to trust and working on it. Trust is always a risk and has been for me too. But if you don’t, the same baggage follows you and I had that too.
I can see Pam has got some real anger issues so I hope for her and you she can see that and face her inner demons.
You both looked so very happy together and I’m sad for you both. This shouldn’t have happened :(
Well said Marie! It does sound like history is repeating itself for her which is such a shame for her and for Martin. Things should never get to this if you can talk and work on problems. I do hope she gets some professional help herself as it does sound like she needs some. I know myself too that it takes some pride swallowing to admit you might be wrong with other people. This is still sad news as they are a beautiful couple.
I know I was once as stubborn and self focussed as Pam looks to be, Bella. It took a bad breakup with a guy I really loved to make me face the reality that I was just getting in the way to my own happiness. Sadly too late. I do wish them both well in finding whatever it is that’s in front of them.
There are reasons why everyone does every in life, Marie but Pam sounds like an utter bitch if you ask me! She does need a wakeup call of some kind.
Oh my, that is so sad. I didn’t see this coming. Now I know why you’ve been interested in topics and comments about rekindling a once-happy relationship. :(
It must be very difficult, I really can’t imagine what it’s like. But like what the others have said, I too have faith that this will eventually pass, and that life will give you something better – something you truly deserve.
It’s probably been coming for years, Melissa. A couple is going nowhere if you can’t sit down and plan a future together, with mutual respect and mutual winning. I wasn’t even able to get Pam to tell me why we even came together without ‘but this’ and ‘but that’. Jeez, talk about avoidance and a non-committal attitude, to something that’s important to most rational people on the planet.
That’s life unfortunately and some people just won’t ever ‘get it’, will they.
And thank you too for reconfirming, in other comments, that normal couples do what I’ve been trying to do, with Pam. It was comforting.
I am so sorry to hear that Martin. As everyone above has already mentioned the only way now is UP. I am sure you will find someone who is right for you, I know its a hard time right now but spending a lifetime putting in effort with someone who won’t is not fair to you. I hope you find what you deserve.
Thank you Yvonne. It was indeed a bitter taste and jolt of reality that I wanted to avoid but when others tell me of her preference to avoid real meaningful conversations and resolutions and it’s happened in the past (without her seeing and learning), well, I knew my committment to our relationship’s success had always been a total waste of effort.
I’m sure I’ll eventually find who I deserve and thank you for your kind thoughts too.
I have little to no doubt (although some may not agree with me and that’s ok) that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.
People (expressions of all there is) change, grow and evolve. If two people come together under a certain set of circumstances, and those circumstances change due to someone changing, etc and the other one doesn’t – then sometimes, it’s inevitable.
I think the real suffering comes from the belief that it’s wrong to grow apart and go in separate directions when in reality, it can be the most natural thing there is…even if it’s incredibly painful…as I know this is.
I know you’ve worked hard. I know how much this meant to you and how much you value marriage and love.
I have complete faith that this will (eventually) bring you a version of reality that is far more in alignment than what has been because it has to. This is how it works.
But in the meantime friend, know you aren’t alone and people are sending you good thoughts :)
Oh for sure, Dana, they aren’t meant for a lifetime but you’d think we could have had some good years and good relationship times :)
It’s unfortunate to discover there were probably other agendas going on inside her as well but that’s baggage I prefer to purge and learn from. I share your faith in a new reality too. While I was seemingly the only one who worked hard as well as committed, there are other more deserving potential partners out there who would relish the same efforts for mutual success and happiness. Sad for that past and true for the future.
You are kidding me, right?
I can’t believe Pam couldn’t even try to work things out. That stupid and dumb to think any sort of marriage will fix itself without effort, Martin. I read all your stuff as you know and know your heart and committment. As Charles said, some people will never have any idea what they really. Sounds to me like she’s making the same mistake over and over again. Please do keep going and get the right lady for you, OK?
God, this is such sad news.
Yeah Bella, well, I spent the majority of our marriage trying to figure an answer to the question of ‘Why won’t Pam even try to work things out’ and just came up short. She avoided deep and meaningful conversations like the plague and I can’t even recall when last we had one that wasn’t steeped in attitude and internal aggression from her.
Thank you for your positive thoughts and wishes.
Oh my gosh! My girlfriends would give their right hand for meaningful talks with their guys lol
I’m so sorry Pam is that rare lady that can’t do them. She doesn’t know what she is missing but I think she never will either. I wish you all the best, Martin
oh my goodness!
That is so sad to hear of any marriage breaking up due to a lack of willingness to participate. I am so sorry for your both. At least you can take solace in knowing that the only way now is up.
My previous partner had the same lack of understanding and the same baggage she was unable to shake off. To this day I don’t know whether it was due to a lack of trust from her previous partners and experiences but I can tell you I tried everything I could think of to show her I was different and wanted things to work out for us both.
Some people can’t admit they might have a past problem and it becomes all your fault, for everything wrong. Sad, as you say Martin but that’s life with some people. I hope you find your real magic with someone who actually does care, I really do!
Thank you Charles for your kind words and your own story of a similar relationship where the person is unwilling to even see their responsibility in the relationship. It’s disappointing in knowing a reasonable thinking person won’t even consider they might have some part to play but, hey, we both now know those types of people are out there :)
We all have learnings in life and love. Some ‘say’ they learn and some actually look from the outside-in and really do learn.
To everyone reading this – Which one are you?