Focus on Success and You'll Get It
I was in my first marriage with Vicki for 26 years and then a somewhat less than stellar brief marriage with Pam.
Lessons were gained from both and those relationship ‘goods and bads‘ all add to the experience of life and becoming a better person than I am now.
You should also look outside yourself (as I do) and speak to professionals and friends alike as to their unbiased beliefs in setting up for an enduring relationship.
Open Your God-Damn Mouth
Yeah, I’m dragging out the old communication chestnut again.
The thing is, everything is dragged down, illogical and sullied, by a lack of communication clarity and openness – everything!
- Confusion creeps in
- Wrongful beliefs develop
- Your partner’s head starts filling with suspicion or worry
You know what the biggest barrier is in you truly opening up and talking the right talk?
You are too freaking scared to actually open your mouth and say what’s on your mind!
- Some people say they prefer to avoid conflict – which gets no-one anywhere
- Some see speaking their mind, with love, conveys their intention of winning
- Some don’t even know they’re just bullshitting around, with themselves and their unsuspecting Significant Other.
Choice #2 is the one you need to make a habit of – speak up, speak out and speak often.
If you’re not doing it now then Start!
Land-mines Are Good
The more relationship land-mines you step on and clear out, the fewer there are to explode, in the future.
Oh, they’ll definitely cause some pain, in the beginning. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
But the more conflicts you own up to and resolve (by voicing openly and lovingly), the more clarity you both will gain.
Understanding comes from knowing yourself, your partner and the open sharing of that knowledge, with trust (refer the next point).
You’re standing on one side of an open field you’ve never walked through but you know it is laced with hidden land-mines.
Over on the other side, in the distance, is a magical pot of gold that you want in your life. Thankfully you’ve got magic legs that heal and become stronger.
- Are you going to keep standing there, frozen in fear?
- Let your internal chatter talk you out of the prize?
- Allow yourself that there’s other excuses you can use to not do what you first thought was worthy?
- Or do the walk, have the faith you will recover, clear the minefield and reap that reward, on the other side?
To the victor comes the spoils.
Trust Takes Many Forms
One person’s trust is another person’s poison.
Fundamentally, trust is centred on your moral code and always having your partner’s back, in everything you do during your time together.
You either live above the moral code or you dwell below the moral code.
Since we’re talking about two individuals, sharing the one life together, each will have a different viewpoint on their definition of what trust is, to them.
We all view life through our own rose-coloured glasses – it's a matter of discovering each other's and understanding the driving force … and then adapting.
With that in mind, my first point comes into play:
- Open your mouth and talk about it, for heaven’s sake!
- Understand each other’s definition and do it often.
The Danger With Undefined Trust
One point to make clear here, is historical events unconsciously modify our ongoing definition of trust.
Without the progressive chatter, you only have your own views and barriers to feed suspicion, doubt and the eventual mistrust; that will manifest.
What’s Your Real Agenda?
Every person on the planet has agendas, whether they be professionally or personally.
It’s human nature to want to win in life.
The nature and meaning changes significantly when you get in a relationship with another person, though.
You both need to, again, verbalise, where you both want to go in life. Agendas are now exposed to only that special someone you trust, in life.
Operating with secret and hidden agendas leads to more suspicion and different paths.
A real relationship has you both following the same (mutually agreed) path.
Why else are you in this relationship?
Are You Being Honest?
Those rose-coloured glasses of our own past lives and activity relates also to each other’s relationship with what honesty means too.
You might think your partner has been dishonest in some way when in actually fact they’re totally oblivious to any sort of misbehaviour.
And acting in complete honesty with you and their moral code.
Hello – It’s ‘open your freaking mouth time again’.
Get the facts, discuss your viewpoint (with love and wanting a win-win outcome for both) and get their understanding of why.
Last step, once you both have the understandings, is to learn what you both need to do so that land-mine doesn’t explode again.
And it might be that as human beings we also forget and continue to see things differently to others, including the person they love.
That’s not malice – it’s what the flawed human species do.
What’s Your Opinion?
- Do you honestly follow the ‘Open Your Mouth' rule?
- How do you handle the relationship landmine situation?
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