I Love This Quote – It’s All About Healing Too.
Duke Ellington … A Problem Is A Chance For You To Do Your Best
Just read it again – A Problem Is A Chance For You To Do Your Best
What I found interesting was recalling all my previous relationships that failed.
My personal takeaway was there were things I needed to do – things that needed clarity and alteration inside my head.
I know a lot of guys who have gone through a divorce and they’ve literally sunk into depression as if all life has been lost.
Many of them have taken the ending of a relationship as a personal failure.
Why I Was Different, I Don’t Know.
I took the opportunity to re-evaluate what I was doing in my life as well as my mindset about marriage, who I wanted in my life, and, more importantly, where I wanted my life to go with a new partner.
A divorce or the ending of a relationship is a somewhat pivotal point in a person’s life.
You can either wallow in self-hate and your own pity OR give yourself a kick in the arse and get trucking again.
Obviously, you’ll want to start in low gear and regain some sensible bearings on the direction.
You need a reliable compass and a good roadmap too.
(Who’s getting tired of my analogies yet?)
Use The Word Challenge Instead Of Problem
The word ‘challenge’ chants for you to do your best and overcome, whereas ‘problem’ always gives me the feeling of a negative insurmountable mountain that you’re going to have difficulty climbing.
Challenge begs you to rise above the occasion and succeed.
I know it’s semantics and wordplay.
My belief though is the words we use to guide us.
I’d much prefer to react and act on positive words and feelings.
So What’s All This Got To Do With Relationships, Healthy or Otherwise?
Simply put, relationships have got to do with two people.
And all of the variables that are involved – you know yourself there’s a stack of them :)
The mix of emotion, action, and inaction invariably leads to friction points and challenges.
And that’s where a change of mindset or reframing of your thoughts brings a positive change.
My Own Relationship Example – Read On …
Please understand that when you’re able to rise above the occasion, that effort then becomes a learning experience.
That’s a huge positive, in moving forward with your lives.
OK, now for the example.
Think about one of your own previous relationships that have ended – I’m going to use one of my own.
We’re all different so some emotions and reactions have been altered to protect the innocent.
My first marriage ended.
It’s been a pretty crap time in there for a few years anyway so my gut probably saw it coming – and I wasn’t the one to end it either so there’s some fess-up time for you.
I knew in my heart that it would never amount to anything – both people involved had journeyed down different roads long ago.
I knew it was time to keep traveling by myself and this was the wake-up call I needed.
My first wife Vicki and I parted ways in the most friendly of terms – because why would you really want it otherwise?
Forget hatred and anger in your heart – it’ll eventually eat you alive.
Some Much Needed Relationship Breathing Time
Now that I’m out of the partnership, I felt a mindful breeze of fresh air wash over me.
In reality, this was definitely time for positive reflection and also time to take a look inside my head, from the outside.
I bet the majority of you reading this have never taken a good long hard look at your historical relationship behavior and then made a conscious decision to weed out your bullshit and replace it with daisies, as best as you’re able.
If you have, then I’d love more of your insight in the comments.
Here was the list of areas I needed personal improvement and growth (see if any match your own):
- In times of stress, I lied
- At other times, I hid the truth
- We never spoke about love, sex, and relationships
- In fact, talking and understanding (which are very different) was practically non-existent
- I needed to better understand the nuances of women and their values, priorities, and reactions
- I needed to better understand my own values since I’d always been in auto-pilot mode
- As a person, I was stagnating
How’s that for a list of unhealthy relationship traits? And I recognized those within me.
The Real-Life Journey Begins
Yep, I really needed some serious mind work and reframing to happen.
It was pivotal.
It was a relief.
It was the start of a whole NEW me.
I’m grateful that one relationship ended.
I took stock of myself and made a solemn promise to both researches myself and change into the person I wanted to become.
Indeed, the person I needed to become, lest history repeats itself – and that’s not going to happen.
Over To You
Now that we’ve reached the bottom, here’s what you can do next:
- Tell me if you can relate to any of my own challenges in your own life. Are there any that you had, that I didn’t?
- Have you ever analyzed your own historical behavior?
- Since you read all the way to the bottom, I’m guessing you’ve formed some viewpoint or opinion. I’d love you to share it in the comments, no matter what it is. I’m tough and can take criticism so go hard!
- Click a Share button – your friends can then enjoy this article too.
Express your thoughts, in the comments below.
37 thoughts on “Healing Yourself: Do You Have What It Takes To Fix a Problem?”
Yes…when will we start talking to each other. We are married to people we don’t feel comfortable talking to. Does that not seem weird to anyone else? I think it’s high time we start talking about sex, relationships, values and expectations. Secondly, I believe another valid point you made is taking time for true reflection (during the relationship). Now of course if you’re divorced get the mirror out. REFLECT. Last, we do need to reevaluate ourselves, pull out those ugly thorns and thistles and plant some roses (sorry I prefer roses instead of diasies …LOL).
Whoah, words of true wisdom from you, kjustice.
thanks so much for the comment and your first visit too.
Are you really surprised in this fast paced Internet-connected world that conversations between 2 people seem to dilute themselves down to short Status-length conversations, without too much substance and meaning.
Almost seems like part of future marriage vows will include a ‘Like’ button for each other to take home :)
It’s hard to be optimistic and reasonable when a relationship with someone you value so much fails. I completely agree that it is not tantamount to personal failure, there is still so much ahead of anyone who chooses to move on and learn from past mistakes.
It’s perfectly natural to feel sadness over a break-up, Emilia. I guess the post is more about how you pick yourself back up, learn from the past and better yourself in finding that ‘special person’ – in my opinion, that end goal is so very much worth the pain.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I think that one of the biggest challenges we are confronted with everyday is being able to sustain harmonious and meaningful relationships. The moment you feel that you are drifting apart from the people you value most in your life, communicate! Thanks for the inspiring share.
Hey Don, thanks for visiting and the comment.
What do you think of this: One of the biggest reasons for the ‘drifting’ is never realising you’ve failed to communicate?
It’s a Catch-22 situation in a lot of cases. You should be communicating but don’t and then lose people you love and the way to get them back is to communicate which is the very thing you’re not doing.
Enlightening post — thanks very much. What you’ve written, I believe, are not just for people who need to cope with a divorce case. It is for all people who are experiencing loss brought about by any relationship that didn’t work out well. As you said, among all the variables involved, the only thing we have complete control of is ourselves. It’s normal to go through the depression stage but we should never allow ourselves to get stuck in such a state. To get sad is normal, but to suffer and be miserable for the rest of our life is optional. We always have a choice and we need to take charge of our life by always choosing to be happy and positive regardless of life’s circumtances.
Oh, definitely about healing from any relationship break-down, Joy.
Strangely enough, I wasn’t depressed or sad when my divorce rolled into play though – maybe weird as the majority of my friends were saying I needed to make sure I wasn’t too depressed.
But anyway, different reactions since we’re all different.
You’re so right though. The only person we have the right to change is ourselves.
What a great post.
I believe we live in a world with a growing sense of entitlement…to be honest. This article challenges us to take a good look inside ourselves and see what we may be doing to contribute toward our own challenges rather than think of things not working out as they should from a victim’s standpoint…which renders us powerless.
I know one of the best things I’ve ever done was to learn to ask myself “what am I contributing here” when I am dissatisfied with circumstances. It’s a similar set of thoughts that can either get us slim and healthy or keep us fat and tired.
Really glad you got something out of the post, Dana.
Agree on your ‘entitlement’ comment too. Maybe that starts off when we are young and only think of our own needs which is basically a habit or pattern that needs adjustment when we’re older and go out into the world.
Think how teenagers are (mostly) self centred, as an example. That is a tough transition to make, to go from ‘only me and my needs’ to ‘only us and our needs’.
And you know, since my pivotal awakening that I mention here, I ask myself the same question as you :) We must be doing something right, huh?
Another nice post here Geek! I think you said it best when you said you “needed some reframing to happen”. That’s why this post is so important; because it lets Mariella (and all your readers) know that behaviours and patterns can be changed.
George Bernard Shaw’s quote is so resonating because we do create ourselves… but we can recreate ourselves too, which is perhaps even more compelling. It means if we are not happy with the way things are going, we can change them.
The most impressive change I see people make is when they are at a stage that I refer to as “threshold”. If you can answer a resounding “yes!” to the following 3 questions, then you are at threshold and any change you want to make should be easy:
1) does something have to change?
2) is that something you (or your responsibility)?
3) does it have to change now?
I’ll finish on another quote (since you’ve already used some goodies)… “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King.
Hey David – some great advice in your comment, mate.
Behaviours and patterns can be changed, for sure. Thing is, you need to be able to recognise that there is space for change and then, you need to WANT to change. Lots of people in my experience are resistant or unwilling to contemplate either change or there might be something (worth) to change.
Aligns with your ‘threshold’ by the sounds of it. Love that Martin Luther King quote too.
Thank you for an excellent article. When I left my marriage of almost 23 years, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I used it to rediscover who I really was. I not only embraced the whole process of the separation and the divorce, but I embraced who I really was and started to step into my Greatness, if you will.
I too refer to problems as challenges. It is so important to embrace a challenge and learn and grow as we overcome whatever it may be.
How closely your wonderful story matches mine, Susan – thank you for sharing in the comments.
It certainly does seem to be how a lot of people finally discover that pivotal moment in their lives that propel them towards growth, don’t you think?
Can I ask what you think was the biggest challenge you were faced with when the split up happened? What process did you use to overcome it?
Having been through a divorce myself, I can tell you that even now after 7 years I still look back and wonder what was I thinking back then. When it comes to behavioral patterns in relationship, I analyzed mine a long time ago and realized that I probably act the same way in all my relationships. My conclusion was that there was no way to make it work. And yes, I did blame my ex and he blamed me, but in the end it was better for both of us.
The difference makes it when you truly find “the one” and all that was before is not going to matter, and marriage is just going to be a natural situation. That’s just what I’ve experienced anyway..
Hey Mariella. Thanks so much for your visit and sharing of your experiences – so cool.
When you say you probably act the same way in all relationships, does that mean you see nothing to change within yourself or unwilling to change anything? Hey, I’m 53 so maybe a little slow on the uptake :)
Well, basically I have a relationship pattern that I am usually stuck into. That pattern comes was formed over a number of years but what I have noticed is that it comes like 80% from imitating my parent’s relationship and that is really frustrating. I tried to change and I am still trying to do better in my relationship, even though nothing seems to change most of the time. I think it is essential to find someone that can accept your own patterns and not try to blow your head off over every small mistake that you make:)
Oh so true, Mariella.
We are creatures of habit and environment. Our own relationship history as well as what we see and are taught. I know in my first marriage, I had patterns that I mimicked from my parents and, in hindsight, weren’t right for me and contributed to challenges. Something I learnt from, at least.
Certainly never ever sweat the small stuff either. There’s a much bigger prize :)
for a long time after my divorce I went into a depression, because I fell into blaming myself for problems that weren’t mine, and was so focussed on things outside my control that I let myself wallow in self pitty.
There was infidelity invovled and I blamed myself for allowing it to happen, even thoguh it wasn’t me that cheated. Finally, I got sick of it and realized I had to let go and accept that there were things that weren’t my fault in the marriage.
I had to reach a point where I could forgive both her and myself, and let all that pain go. I have since realized that all suffering simply comes from holding on to painful moments long after their need has passed.
It is so easy to fall into blaming yourself, James, isn’t it?
There’s always a cause or causes. What’s important is the realisation of acceptance and moving past blame and anger. You’d be surprised how many men and women need to hold onto it and continuing to retaliate against the other partner – never understanding they’re pulling each down. It’s a choice.
What’s wonderful is you’ve moving on and that’s pivotal.
Have you reached the point yet of thinking about another relationship?
Yes I have. I am actually recently engaged. We have been dating for 3 years. And, we have both been through some similar relationship issues, so we understand the healing that we have both gone through, and it helps us to work on the areas where our past relationships are interfering with ours.
Now that truly is wonderful, James.
Isn’t it kind of funny that a lot of people need to go through the trial by fire before they get to what it is they were destined to have?
Maybe it’s the learning curve we’re all meant to take?
A Joseph Campbell admirer, too! Yes. Yes on everything. Revenge and spite don’t do anything. And with all the horrendous things going on in the world that we don’t even have to see, it is our responsibility to foster peace amongst those we know.
Thanks for your sharing and visit, Belle.
I usually always see that revenge and spite are two of the first emotions that kick into play when it comes to a relationship split up – what’s your view?
I’m guessing one reason for that is neither party wishes to be ‘seen’ as the loser by others.
I love how you said to “weed out the bullshit and replace them with daisies.” I think more people should do this, and do it after every relationship ends. Not everyone is willing to admit that they did something to contribute or add the death of the marriage or the relationship because it’s much easier to blame the other person. But the more that we are open to our flaws and our faults, and the more that we accept them, the clearer things become about what we want, what we need and who we want to be with. The end of every relationship is a pivotal moment in every person’s life, and we should take the opportunity to reflect, to reevaluate, and to change that that moment offers us. Let’s not just add it on our list of “life experiences.” Let’s learn from it. Thank you for this!
Hey Jan, thank you for taking the time to visit and a great comment too.
Oh, and don’t worry, I had some blame going on, prior to my ‘Ahha moment’. I’m just grateful for the turn of events that happened at this time, the wonderful people I met and how that time changed my outlook on life and my outlook on myself too.
What’s been your own experience in how best a person can make this change occur?
P.S Please go get yourself a Gravatar as well – makes things much more personal and connecting.
I was really struck on the second quote about creating yourself instead of finding yourself. I guess this explains why until now, i feel like i haven’t found myself yet.
Hey Sara, magical to see you back here.
Well, it wasn’t until my mid to late 40s that I even realized that I needed to find myself. That’s a journey in itself which I explained above.
Once I found the real me with all my faults that I then realised I wanted (and needed) to create the person I wanted to be. And here I am, still creating :)
I wasn’t sure about your comment though. Have you found the real you or do you think that needs more pondering?
My wife and I are getting a divorce! In fact, she wants to get divorced, but I have felt it from some time. Anyway, I should tell you that your marital problems are our marital problems, or I should say challenges. It is a rough time for me, but I know that this is the perfect moment to step back and look at our relationship, my mistakes and mostly it’s the moment for me to move forward! I could write you more, but for the time being, I have hundreds of feelings and emotions that even I can’t shape.
Thank you so much for your sharing and visit, Brian.
It’s always sad to witness a relationship end but, as they say, that is just life. More importantly for you, life goes on and your life is just beginning. You’ve had an awakening that you can either ignore or take by the horns and become the person you’ve always wanted to become.
Unlike many, you’re taking the first step in confessing you know there’s stuff to fix within – not many people can face that somewhat harsh reality so they bury it.
We can help with those hundreds of feelings and emotions too when you’re ready.
Thank you for the warm welcome, TheGeek! It is sad when a relationship ends, but the saddest thing is that we have a two year old daughter! Anyway, like I said, there are a lot of feelings and emotions that I cannot master, they come and go faster than the speed of light. I think I need some time to calm down and after that I can build my new me, but I’m going to miss my little angel so much!
Brian, my very piece of advice is to keep a constant focus on what the win-win outcome should be. Get rid of any anger you might hold towards your partner and yourself and find a winning solution to the relationship ending.
BRAVO – you learned to reinvent the wheel! You did it!
Sounds as if you went through a very much needed awakening and your was sponsored by your “non existent” relationship. Isn’t it funny that we don’t see things when we are in relationship but then when we step back and look – we go WOW what was I thinking???!
Been there, done it! The quote by Joseph Campbell is pretty powerful: We must let go of the life we have planned so to have the life that is awaiting for us. This one SCREAMS at me. I often wonder why did I have to go through 2 divorces when the only thing I wanted was to always be married? So that statement speaks to me in stating that I might have wanted a planned way of living but life has shown me that there is another way of living. I have found it through my own journey of self discovery. To this day, I”m stil learning, still discovering about relationships. I saw the statistics by Arielle Ford in her writing of Wabi Sabi love and it states: 50% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages end in divorce and 76% of third marriages end in divorce. WOW –
My fault is that I love too much – is there such a thing? Of course there is – I kept loving and forgiving in my second marriage – I wanted it to last and it didn’t due to his infidelity. So now I am visualizing and manifesting a wonderful loving, loyal relationship. I know he’s out there – I’m being patient and I keep on loving – but now I love myself first.
In love and light,
Thank you for being so transparent,
An awakening that just needed to happen, Nancy, yeah.
Interesting on those statistics on marriage too. My own personal opinion is people tend to hook up and remarry the same person, as in characteristics and values. They know no better and end up in the same place – which then fails, for all the same reasons.
Without taking stock of what you are looking for, your ‘internal radar’ is just tuned into the same rubbish.
P.S don’t forget to enter our Giveaway competition too for some free advertising, Nancy.
Hey mate, does that really happen? I mean hooking up and then remarrying the same person again. This post by Martin is certainly great and has explained some very important aspects in very simple and understandable words but your comment made me think actually :)
Yeah, Shiwangi, it happens time and time again.
People are creatures of habit and conditioning. How many times do you find yourself buying the same food or drink? Choosing another boyfriend or girlfriend tends to follow the same path of ‘comfort’ since you already have preconditioned characteristics ingrained in your head.
Kinda weird but that’s human beings for you.
:: Yeah I agree that it happens with food items or drinks or even clothing but never came across any such things in terms of relationships. Well thanks for your reply.