the zen of relationships

The Zen of Relationship Communication Really Is Your Vocal Cords!

Life is Simple but we insist on making it complicated

I have a relationship where I’m an external person (I much prefer to talk) and she’s an internal thinker (she prefers to mull things over in her head first).

Both are fine but it raises the question or maybe questions as to how best to facilitate solid relationship communication.

And let me tell you, this scenario has caused some conflict in working out disagreements.

But, life is a learning experience and always will be.

Why Complicate Your Life? 1
Can everyone’s relationship be peaceful and open?
What does it take for a couple to attain Zen and Harmony?


Communication – The Easy Ones

Well, some of the points above are so easy for both of us.

  • Saying I Love You?
    • That’s an easy one for most people that are already in a relationship
    • It’s obvious and conveys your true expression
  • Like something?
    • Usually, that’s pretty easy as well.


Granted, it’s going to be different for everyone and we all have a thinking process that differs from our partner – I get that too.

Let me repeat that:


Communication – Difficult Words To Get Out

Communicating in relationships can be really tough and exhausting.

I get that but you want to be better, don’t you?

The following are areas that carry the most benefit when it’s factored into making an open, transparent relationship reach new heights of harmony.

They will strengthen your relationship communication style and form a solid foundation for you both.

In my view, here are the top areas that a lot of couples have difficulty in properly communicating and/or simply can’t bring themselves to verbalize:

  • I Don’t Like Something
    • On the surface, you might think your objections could cause a negative reaction in your partner
    • There’s also a good chance they also don’t really like what you don’t like as well
    • Truth. Is keeping this stuff bottled up inside really good for you as well as ensuring you both understand each other?
  • I Want Something
    • Quite similar to the above. Needing something and letting your partner know what that is can really open up a relationship for you.
    • Your partner just might love to give you what you need
    • If not, at least you’ll know and why. Doesn’t this then open up communication to understand why as well as look for another goal?
  • I’ve Got Questions
    • We all suffer from the uncertainty as to whether to ask or not, don’t we?
    • It’s natural to hesitate when we’ve got doubts dancing inside our head
    • Questions lead to answers
    • Uncertainty dissolves into clarity
  • I Want To Be Understood
    • This is probably the one I’ve personally found to most challenging
    • I want to be understood in my language, with my history being taken into account
    • That’s often tough to convey, as I found out
    • Perseverance … arguments … conversation … eventual mutual understanding
    • A way better relationship that moves forward … we all want that


Why Complicate Your Life? 2
Where does your relationship sit in the pillar of Zen?
At the bottom with a great weight always on top of you or higher up with freedom?


Expression and Enlightenment

Zen emphasizes the personal expression of experiential wisdom in the attainment of enlightenment.


Speak Your Mind, With Your Opinion

Nice to see you made it to the end of the post. Here’s what you can do next:

  • What one thing you believe is the most challenging in gaining Relationship Zen?
  • Does your thinking differ from that of your partner?
  • Click one of the Share buttons – your friends can then enjoy this article too.

And thanks for reading too – Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Why Complicate Your Life? 3

Martin is an advocate for clear relationship communication as well as a dating and relationship coach and mentor. He also runs this site and has a professional interest in online marketing and human behaviour.

Martin Cooney – who has written posts on GeekandJock.

21 thoughts on “Why Complicate Your Life?”
  1. As a communicator, it is true that many a time getting our message through, especially with our loved ones, is difficult. I also agree with Raj. You should alwas speak from your heart and be totally honest.

    1. Just saw this Mariana and thank you.
      It’s interesting to note that while we all would like to speak from the heart and always be honest, a lot of other people either can’t cope with total honesty or they use the honesty that you have given them and use it against you.
      It takes all kinds and it’s good to be aware of who it is you’re dealing with, first.
      You get my point?

  2. I’m a communicator Martin so it’s hard for me at times to comprehend why people don’t just tell me what they want or don’t want for that matter.

    When I was in relationships in the past, it’s all about getting to know the other person. Once you do you understand why they think or react the way they do. Instead of jumping to conclusions, be patient. I would also ask them to sit down with me and let’s talk everything out. My ex-finance always had trouble remembering exactly everything he wanted to say so I had him write it down for me so I could read it instead of him saying it. It worked beautifully.

    When you love someone it’s all about working things out instead of letting your emotions get the best of you.

    We’ll never know unless we communicate with each other but either way it has to be done. Just be respectful of each other is what I say. I’m sure your “zen” methods work beautifully as well.


    1. Welcome back Adrienne and good comment too.
      There’s actually a pile of people who operate differently to you and me when it comes to communicating – internal thinkers who aren’t naturally ‘as open’.
      I love your technique of writing down points to chat about so you remember to talk about them. That’s a helpful tips from experience that others might like to use too.

  3. i am so guilty of not speaking up when I a) don’t like something b)i want something. I’m the type of girl that says “fine” when in fact, it is not fine. I really should take the effort to work on this aspect of my communication with my husband.

    Great post! :)

    1. And you know what else, Sam?
      When you speak to a guy in truth and stop futzing around with being fine when you aren’t, you’ll gain a whole different type of respect and trust in your marriage.
      You know yourself that guys dislike the ‘I’m Fine’ rubbish, don’t you? Speak truth, use diplomacy and talk from honesty and you’ll be surprised the new heights you both will acheive.
      Go slow at first as he might be a little shocked :)
      And tell him why too – that’s a good conversation starter, right there.

  4. As always, cool post Martin :)
    I can relate to keeping feelings and thoughts bottled up as well. The fear of what others think (or more accurately, WHAT WE THINK they think) in a society that’s been conditioned to be politically correct makes it easy to do this.

    And interestingly enough – we’ve seen such an increase in autoimmune disorders over the years…all ‘dis-eases’ of the body attacking itself. This can happen when energy is stuck…and energy gets stuck when thoughts and feelings (energy) has no room to escape and flow as it naturally should.

    1. Thank Dana – been a popular post this one.
      We all tend to bottle things up, some more than others. The learning is in the un-learning and that’s a lesson I’m constantly thinking about, in how best to be totally transparent. I know I dwell on how best to explain some situations a little longer than I think I should but that’s more the right delivery so no misunderstandings take place.
      Damn words can so easily be misunderstood, depending on your own rose-coloured glasses and history.

      1. “The learning is in the unlearning”. That is such a true statement. We’ve all “learned” how to think our whole lives – it’s any wonder that when our real feelings/intuition tries to speak to us, we measure them up against what we’ve been taught and assume we’re wrong for feeling the way we do. So we bottle stuff up. That’s one reason anyway.

        1. Well, I’m unlearning some of the learning that I previously unlearnt :)
          Just when you ‘think’ you learnt the right way, along comes a grenade hahaha
          Ahh, life is such an interesting journey of lessons, for us all.

    2. Too true, Dana.
      What do you think is the gender that keeps things bottled up the most?
      My vote goes to females – I think guys are far more likely to tell it the way it is, don’t you?
      Or I could have too much salt water in my ears too hahaha

      1. Honestly Mitch,
        I don’t know who bottles things up more. While women definitely do this, I think that men, out of fear of hurting a woman’s feelings, are capable of it too.
        We’re (unfortunately) a politically correct society, so while men would PREFER to tell it like it is, and many do, they’ve been shut down from doing so.
        Just my thoughts anyway.

        1. You know, that’s probably why I’m in a relationship with a lady from Thailand, Dana. Thinking back, it’s all the BS in Western culture towards the way a guy should behave that ticked me off.
          Thankfully with my work, I have access to and can discover the beauty of other cultures. Life is so much more at peace in Thailand and the people are really wonderful.

  5. Wow, you sure know how to cut to the chase of life’s outlook, don’t you? Yeah, I know I’m usually looking at the complicated view of most things. Maybe that’s just what a busy lifestyle tends to make me do. I dunno, what do you think?

    1. Busy people usually do tend to complicate their own lives, true that, Mitch.
      The hussle and bustle carries us away and our mindset stays in ‘busy mode’. The post was more a reflection that there’s always a different point of view on life.
      Calm down a little and smell the roses.

    1. Thanks Raaj – yeah, for too long in my life, I was the same as most people.
      Always careful to not say the wrong thing, reluctant to ask questions in case it caused an argument or even ask for want I want for fear of rejection.

      It’s way better to be honest and up-front. What’s the worst that happen? You’ll either be wrong, right or in a great conversation to understand the other person better.

      A good result either way.

      1. Exactly! It was just yesterday that we had a very important meeting in school auditorium. All the heads of the school, the parents, the students (of course!) etc. Many students had many questions and suggestions regarding the subject being discussed, but I was the only one who spoke from the students :)

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