Talking Isn’t Talking
Read anything about what makes up a solid foundation for any couple and you’ll be told it’s about talking to each other.
Understanding one another and working through your differences is where all those potential problems are going to be squashed.
Think of when you’re single and you’ve got money issues.
You’ll probably ask friends or close family to help you out with advice in getting a solution in place so you can take the pain away, right?
When there’s two people involved in the same financial entanglement, it makes total sense to talk to them as well, yeah?
So That’s Talking But …
In that example, you’re talking about external stuff, aren’t you?
Question: What aren’t you doing?
Answer: You’re missing the ‘inside’ scoop!
As I said, there’s talking and then there’s real talking.
If all you’re doing is relaying what’s going on in the outside world, with facts and figures; and then talking about those situations then you might as well be chatting on Skype with a random person.
You’re living in an impersonal relationship, this is what you’re doing.
Get Some Real Couple Communication Now
Still on the same financial challenge example, what do you now think real couple’s communication is likely to entail?
Feelings, nothing but those feelings … deep inside!
Certainly do the problem solving part in getting a solution BUT also discover things like:
- How the current struggle might be affecting the their outlook on life
- How do you think it might be handled differently, if there’s a next time
- Do they have any skills they might be able to better equip you with
- Emotionally, is it affecting them?
- When did it starting affecting them?
- Is it having an affect of their feelings towards you?
- Anyone else?
- Do they think you could have been more supportive towards them?
- Have a conversation (make sure it remains passive) if you think they could have supported you better
It’s Communication, Not Talking
When you get right down to it, too many couples babble on and on about shit that has no bearing on their ultimate outcomes.
Sure, it’s good to relay important information about daily events and pending struggles that might impact the family, the finances and your lifestyle. No doubt about that.
But without the foundational structure of the honest two-way understanding and support, the rest pales into insignificance and will usually result in a breakdown, across many fronts.
- Talking is surface dwelling
- Communication is the deep and meaningful stuff that a lot of people are afraid to share.
- Without that sharing, you’re just dwelling!
- The relationship is simply stagnating and coasting along, without direction
Which would you rather have?
Which is, ultimately, going to the more fulfilling and life enriching? (Hint: If you pick talking, you’re doing it all wrong)
How Often DO You Both Share?
It’s the most difficult to do, yeah, I know.
People can’t and sometimes won’t drop their guard, to let others inside.
It can be a built-up unconscious habit they’re unaware of.
If you’re not doing the ‘share’ thing, it is never too late to start either.
Once you recognise it’s important.
Start slow and be mild towards your significant other – chances are it might come as a real shock so steady as she goes!
Speak Your Mind Because I Know You Have One
- Is your partner totally sharing with you?
- Do you suspect they’re bottling some stuff up?
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13 thoughts on “Couple Communication – It Is Not About Talking”
Communication is key, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to share all the time. Some people are able to deal with some problems themselves, but there comes a time where the only way to move forward is to open up.
‘Judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who you are’.
It can be tough to step outside of our emotions and take the position of the observer. In relationships – and life in general, it’s a pretty cool thing to learn to do…as it offers some additional clarity.
I love the concept of delving deeper than the surface bullshit. So often we think that it’s the external circumstances that are the reality of a situation – when in fact, they’re simply a reflection of our inner-environment.
Nice work Martin :)
Love this! Having experienced both the “real” and the superficial, there is no question that a relationship in which both parties aren’t able to achieve intimacy in communication is probably doomed. Or at the least, it won’t be very enjoyable. It’s a real sign of compatibility if two people can relate on a deeper level.
What, on your opinion, are the biggest stumbling blocks that allow this true path to communication, guys?
Really interested in what you have to say here.
One big one has got to be the inability to listen. It seems that often one party approaches a talk simply with the idea of getting something off her chest and isn’t terribly interested in what the other has to say. That’s especially true when what’s being said is something you really don’t want to hear. In that moment, it’s really hard not to get defensive and respond angrily without thinking about what your partner is really trying to communicate.
Another problem seems to come up when the relationship is somehow imbalanced. For instance, when one party is more invested than the other. In those cases, just about any deeper communication can be blocked by fear from the more invested one, of getting a response he may not like, or annoyance or impatience from the one less invested. In order for truly effective communication to occur, there has to be equal goodwill and a desire for the relationship to succeed.
nice job and so so true, i have learned this the hard way. glad i stumbled upon this today! looking forward to reading more from you :)
Care to share a little more on what you found was the hard way, Jacqueline?
Well said! Talking is so superficial. If you want a real bond, you should go deeper and share to your partner what you truly feel and think inside.
There’s talking and then there’s REALLY talking!
Thanks for your words, Melissa. I suppose I sometimes struggle with some people that can only talk, from the surface I.e. They can’t reveal themselves.
Have you ever found this yourself.
As a person who doesn’t have a problem revealing myself to my significant other, I also struggle with others who simply talk and not talk from within. I think it’s something they ought to learn and practice for the good of the relationship.
So tell me Melissa, in your view, 2 people in a relationship really do need to be able to fully disclose and reveal themselves to each other, yes or no?
And do you also see this within other successful relationships as well?
Yes, a couple should reveal themselves to each other.. but it doesn’t mean right away. Timing is important as well. My parents, for instance, are still together because of being “open” to one another.
Oh timing is always to be considered.
I find it quite puzzling though as to why couples in an established relationship are paralysed in revealing their true honest inner self. To the point of almost lying (though they probably don’t realise it). Very odd behaviour.