Should You Reevaluate Your Current Partner?

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Should You Reevaluate Your Current Partner?

Hindsight On Your Current Partner

Can you do the hindsight relationship test?

Can you do the hindsight relationship test?

Hindsight does have 20–20 vision.

It’s a wonderful tool for reflection.

You should use it as a learning tool, not to beat yourself up.

Use it for clarity in areas of choice and future decision making.

Since I’m now removed from the past few years of marriage solitude with a ‘wife’ of 3 years, I’ve pondered that eternal question of just why it went so horribly wrong when she ‘appeared’ to be ‘the one’.

It’s been helpful to leverage the thoughts and input of friends outside those people who have been influenced by ‘her’ since they’ve been duped, in much the same way as I had.

 

The Reevaluation Process

One process that I often use is mindmapping since it allows ideas to freely flow and get plugged into an appropriate thought-bucket.

Since I already had my beginning thoughts from a few failed attempts in getting my wife to tell me her same reasons, I’ve used that as a starting point which you can see below.

the real us mindmap in the beginning

The Dream – Click for Larger View

 

Odd Behaviour Leads To Truth, Eventually

Now, over the past 3 years I’ve been called a sociopath, sex addict and a control freak with her evidence being that these types of people never admitting to being these types of people.

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t, huh?

And stitching together disparate and out-of-context events to somehow justify her wild accusations.

In hindsight and reflection, do these sound like an honest and open individual, working towards a successful marriage?:

  • Rarely (if ever) had pictures of the two of us together on her Facebook but was fine with friends and family?
  • Avoided, like the plague, any sort of self-improvement, if I had anything to do with it
    • Usually then accusing me of being ‘controlling’
  • After 3 years together, openly admits her normal thought process is to be suspicious and she ‘look for clues’
  • Preferred to go out with their friends than with her husband
  • Physical intimacy was routine and rarely did she ever initiate – remember I’ve long been labelled a sex addict because I maintain it’s an important area for a healthy relationship.
    • No need to take any action if it’s all my issue, is there? :)
  • Calls me a weak person because, on one occasion, I would have loved her company when I went to sell my car
  • Didn’t wish to participate in any talks with her son as he was also a non-participant at home, with me.
    • I was told to sort that out myself
  • The list just goes on and on when it comes to a lack of action when I was involved in anything

After 2 years, here’s where our so-called loving relationship had devolved into:

the real us mindmap reality after 2 years

The Real Nightmare – Click for Larger View

 

So, Are You Still With The Person You Started With?

The moral of this story is one of reflection, learning, moving forward and keeping you both on track to success – before it’s too late (or unnecessarily protracted).

I do hope your current relationship is steaming ahead to success but not all partnerships are, are they?

While I constantly preach and strive for clarity in relationships, I stupidly trapped myself in one that I thought I could heal.

We all have doubts, at one point or another. That’s human nature, isn’t it?

It’s important to dispel the doubts by taking action. Any action to bring about clarity to enable you to move forward. That progress might be just yourself or, better still, for both you and your partner. In my case, it was the former which was a shame.

  • Do you both still have the same values in life you thought you started with?
  • Are you still mentally and spiritually connected?
  • Where are your mutual passion levels at, compared to when your partnership started?
  • Are you both working together, towards common life and relationship goals?
  • Has your inner love for your partner increased or decreased since you met?

 

Try The Hindsight Exerciser Yourself

It’s an interesting exercise though.

  • Sit down quietly and brainstorm why you came together with your current partner.
  • Take your time so you can jot down experiences and qualities.
    • It can be an affirmation of your current love as well.
  • Over the next day or so, do the same exercise using the same areas and think whether things still apply or they’ve changed, over time.
  • Are you still with the same person you started with or better still, you both have evolved together?

 

What’s Your Opinion?

  • Can you do the Relationship Hindsight test?
  • Have you been kidding yourself, all this time?
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Thankfully I’ve awoken from a long drawn-out nightmare that I thought was a dream.

Time for better dreams now.

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Avatar of Martin

Martin is a down to earth, honest, quirky humor, compassionate and upfront kinda guy. Easy going and love to laugh. Into good food, wine and great company – as well as coffee. I’ll talk to almost anyone …. ok, anyone….

Martin – who has written posts on GeekandJock.


Comments

  1. wrote on December 20th, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Tara

    I’m throwing in the towel on relationships. I’m 41 and have been miserably married 3 times. The energy I put into my current marriage absolutely exhausts me.

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on December 20th, 2013 at 4:18 pm

      Martin
      Twitter:

      It’s a good step forward to realise past mistakes. Jeez, I know my last had been a minefield for me. More importantly though, Tara, I firmly believe there’s the perfect partner for us all, somewhere and waiting to be discovered. For me, it’s a Ying and Yang or Balance type of thing. We are one half of a pair. I feel for your pain too, I really do.
      Making a mistake in picking the wrong person, as we both have, is soul destroying when the realisation finally takes hold.
      But it has to be ‘onwards and upwards’. Find a way to shake the BS of your past partners because they simply aren’t worth the effort – they’re the ones that have screwed up what could have been something wonderful.
      Pop over, join as a free member and get some release and guidance in the forums. It’s good for the soul :)
      Martin recently posted..Change Is Good For The Partnership SoulMy Profile

      • wrote on December 20th, 2013 at 11:41 pm

        Tara Ferguson

        Thank you Martin.
        Even though my husband has crossed the marital boundaries I still find myself sitting on the fence on what to do about it. He has devastated my self-esteem, trust, faith…so why do I question what I need to do? Wait…I know what to do…but why am I hesitant.
        *41 years old – Too old for the dating scene. No energy to date. Don’t want to be alone? Do not want to uproot my youngest daughter that is still at home? Don’t want to be divorced 3 times (first marriage/16years old; lasted 13 years. 2nd; having young children I was easily shmoozed/ended up an abuser/lasted 7 years)
        Yep…that is why.

        I don’t want to deal with it….but I know I need to. Not only am I suffering emotionally, often frustrated, angry, anxious and depressed but it has taken a physical toll on me. I am not sleeping right and I do not eat right. I work 50 plus hours a week…between that and this…I am exhausted. Sigh…..

  2. Avatar of sally
    wrote on December 12th, 2013 at 8:31 am

    sally

    Hi Martin! I enjoyed reading this post as I am CONSTANTLY reevaluating my current long-distance ‘relationship’ (If i can call it that).
    I don’t know if this is the place to post my current situation (relationship problems) and to ask for help, as i’ve just joined this site today. But here we go!

    I met my current boyfriend back in 2008 when we worked together in the Navy. We are both out now and have been dating on and off again for a little over a year now. He lives in Virginia, i’m in Texas, and we’ve visited eachother all of twice. We’ve broken up twice, and all because of the same thing. I feel like it’s a pretty one-sided relationship, and that i’m doing all of the talking/ texting. Furthermore, I am the only one who initiates conversation. It’s rare that he strikes up a conversation, and that’s just sad. I feel like he doesn’t have time for me, or put forth the effort to communicate, when while in a long-distanced relationship that’s all we have!

    So in this time ,like i said before, we’ve broken up twice. Once for a week, and the second time for two months. Both times he’s called me wanting me back, and because I love him (I’m blinded by it and feel dumb), i take him back. I question myself all the time, WHY!? Why do i do this when i’m always looking at my situation and realizing that he makes me more upset, than happy? It’s because when we do talk, when we have visited eachother, i go back to thinking how incredibly happy we are when together.

    I question myself though. I know i deserve happiness more than this. I think i would be more happy in this long-distance relationship if it were two-sided, and if he talked to me more often.

    I know my whole situation probably seems dumb, but i’d really appreciate some advise on what i should do, could do to make this work. Or on the other hand, if i should stop kidding myself all together?

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on December 12th, 2013 at 1:06 pm

      Martin
      Twitter:

      A big welcome Sally and thank you so much for sharing as well.

      This post was an exercise I wish I had done myself sometime ago. It brings clarity around whether you and your partner are still on the same path that you began on. I wasn’t aware Pam was basically a repeat offender in her previous relationships, around failure to engage, plan together and work out problems. Doing this exercise certainly did open my eyes that she wasn’t interested in what I had to offer nor interested in a life together. It’s a freaking sad realisation to make and even sadder for her.

      It’s aways my wish that every relationship succeeds but it does take ‘two to tango’.

      At face value, your LDR sounds like it’s already on rocky ground. Could I suggest you also take a bit of time to ponder over ‘The Hindsight Test’ yourself?
      If there is a willingness with your boyfriend to find common ground with you, then all the better. If he is as stubborn, uncaring and oblivious to your needs as Pam was to mine, you’re probably kidding yourself. It’s a bit too early to tell quite yet until you do a bit of serious thought extraction.
      Martin recently posted..An End To What Was The Perfect RelationshipMy Profile

      • wrote on December 12th, 2013 at 1:15 pm

        sally

        Thanks for your response! I want it to work, but I know I still have a lot more to think about before making any rash decisions

  3. wrote on December 9th, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Yvonne

    awesome post.
    How do you make those map things?
    If your just starting out should you do this if both parties have come from “broken/ damaging ” relationships . Causing a bit of doubt and distance in both?

    • Avatar of Martin
      wrote on December 9th, 2013 at 12:42 pm

      Martin
      Twitter:

      Glad you enjoyed the article and got something of value from it, Yvonne.
      I use Novamind Mindmap software (Windows or OSX) – http://www.geekandjock.com/novamind – for all mindmaps that I do. Great process.

      As for your question about starting out and this process: what better time for you both to do a combined mindmap to gain clarity on where you both are headed or want to head, don’t you think?

      Things that are broken can be fixed if you really want them to be. If you keep doing the same thing, expect the same result. Do something different
      Martin recently posted..The Blindfold and The Leap of FaithMy Profile

    • Avatar of Bella
      wrote on December 10th, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      Bella

      oh what an awesome post, Martin. I’m with Yvonne – words and an exercise to live by lol!
      Your Pam was such a selfabsorbed woman and that is so true from what ive read over the years. she deserves the baggage if she cant move outside her own mistakes and sorry to say that but some people will never learn what working tiogetehr means. weird, stupid, unnecceasry

      I was just replying to Yvonne’s question in the forums too. here is a good place to say again that trust is a gift to another and not an expectation for yourself. I think your Pam has her tits in a tangle lol

      • wrote on December 21st, 2013 at 2:20 pm

        Charles

        well, if you ask me Bella, Pam Cooney or whoever she is, is an out and out lying bitch. I just read something about her BS and she is one woman that I’d call a golddigger and born sociopath. You read about serial killers where there friends and family all saw the person as sweet and kind and wouldn’t harm a fly. This Pam woman fits that mould to a tee, don’t you think?

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